A Yurble stole my cinnamon roll! Circulation: 170,229,176 Issue: 391 | 8th day of Hunting, Y11
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by black_sunset01


Hello and Good... erm... whatever it is. Morning, Noon, Night. I’d just like to start off this little piece by telling you a bit about myself. My name Eliza, short for Elizabeth (what else?). I am a Kyrii. Quite happy to be one, actually. I am only warning you now; this article is subject to bias. Apple-lovers are free to leave this page right now, I promise not to hold it against you if choose to do so. Ehem. Aside from that, my owner allowed me to take up a pen and write out my anger. [See “Managing Anger” section 4]. In neoschool, we were asked to write a persuasive piece, and I seized this opportunity to hit two Gelerts with one pet rock. Actually, I have been meaning to write this up, anyways. I was only a little Kyrii when I had been inspired to write this article.

See, one day, year 9, I think it was, Month of Hiding, I was walking about town. Now, I live in Terror Mountain, a lovely little place. Well, lovely, that is, after you get past the cold and snow and life endangering cliffs. I happened upon the Super Happy Icy Fun Snow Shop, and decided to stop in for a snack. The cold does make you awfully hungry, you know. I was caught between my favorites, a Snowberry Chia pop, or the Snow Toast? Then that crazy Lenny brought out a whole new batch of chia pops. I was a small Kyrii then, as I said, so I just had to have one. New is better when you’re young. I foolishly grabbed a pop at random, a pretty green one with blue stripes. I pulled out some neopoints, stuffing the pop into my mouth. I do not remember the flavor, I just remember the horrifying itching that followed. Never had I felt any less Super Happy Icy Fun. Well, of course my owner hurried me off to the doctor, and I was told I had Itchy Scratchies. That Itchy Scratchy Cream was rancid; I smelled of expired yogurt and dung slorg. So concludes my story of inspiration. Here is the actual article that I’m sure you would rather be reading.

For thousands of years, throughout the history of Neopia, pets have been falling victim to the Malus domestica’s awful children. Yes, my young neopets, I am referring to The Apple.

The dangerous substance can be purchased and traded in almost every food market in Neopia. Even the Advent Calendar ventured to give out apples several days in a row. Markets such as the Health Food store in Neopia Central often sell this offensive fruit in varied forms. Some of our very own citizens have even gone around publishing guides on which apples to eat. *cough* These such articles are scams, all apples are equally bad. Very bad indeed. The apples only wish to confuse you. Watch out, the Apple is a sneaky food.

Apples can appear in sweets, chia pops, pie, slushies, and yes, my pets, even the ever so sacred neocola. Apples such as the rosy apple, the green apple, and the sand apple are harder to recognize than their original red form, but beware, the danger is still the same. Even some non-food items containing the world apple, like the book Bad Apples are O.K. to touch, but still toxic to eat.

Some fruits are even named after the rancid apple. The pineapple is a prime example. I personally find the pineapple quite enjoyable. Why it is named after such a fruit, I could not guess.

For those of you striving to enter the Gourmet Food Club, the list will contain apple products, so continue at your own risks. However, I urge you to think of the poor pet forced to eat the red demons, and to take pity on them.

Kyrii in particular have a profound weakness for apples. If it consumes an apple, the poor creature will come down with Itchy Scratchies. If you are not aware of this disease, I will only tell you that it is very uncomfortable and upsetting. For those of you more concerned about the NP aspect of this tragedy, then the medicine Itchy Scratchy Cream totals at 600 neopoints, every single time your pet eats an apple. Say you have a poor memory, and endlessly feed your pet apples. Or say you have just spent all of your NP on a pretty paintbrush, and the only food item you have is a Cheese and Onion Baked Apple. Wouldn’t it be easier if apples did not exist, and you simply could feed your pet cheese and onions? A much safer alternative.

I believe the very best example of an apple is represented by the Rotten Wormy Apple. This apple reveals the true nature of the fruit. Brown and slimy, the very living space of the common worm. Is this what you want to feed your pets? Just wait a few days, and even the best of apples will be reduced to nothing more than a disgusting haven for the crawlers and critters of the night.

The very worst of apples in the world have to be the ones sold in the tower of the Fairy Queen herself. All due respect to the lovely lady; I am a fan of her myself. However, the danger proposed by the Everlasting Apple is overwhelming. An apple that lasts forever, that can never be eaten nor destroyed. This, my friends, is the ultimate weapon for those who wish to cause Neopia distress, such as Dr. Sloth. This apple could be force fed to pets all over the world, a new method of torture!! Think of the pain that could be inflicted to Kyrii everywhere. Your older brother, the neighbor down the street, Stan from Grand Theft Ummagine.

Now I ask you, Neopia, do you still wish for this Apple Madness to continue? Horrible, it really is very horrible. But we can stop it! Together, we can petition the Man. We can boycott the producers, boycott the stores, boycott the Apple. The first step, my friends, is to purchase the Kyrii I Hate Apples Sign. By purchasing this sign, you can let others know about the dangers of the Apple. All proceeds go to the KUAA fund. (Kyrii United Against Apples.) Now, go, all of you. I urge you, my fellow Neopians, to use this newfound knowledge to do good in the world.

Note: This article was not created to offend any Chia painted to resemble an apple; it was simply a poor laps of judgement on your owner’s part, and I forgive you for it.

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