Finding the Perfect Anti-Valentines Day Gift

"An Anti-Valentine's Day gift? What's that?" you say. Well, there's no real science behind the name. It's a gift you give on Valentine's Day... that isn't exactly conventional. I'll help you through the process if you seriously need my help... wait, you do? I mean, how hard is it to... oh, I see. Colorblind. That might be a problem. Anyway, onto the guide.

1. Does it say "I don't love you"?

This one is pretty straightforward. Take the Heart Shaped Box of Toffee. This has nothing negative about it, at first glance, anyway. You could make sure that every single one has coconut filling and give it to someone who hates coconuts... but that's overanalyzing and takes more time to get the satisfaction of an unhappy person, instead of, say, a Dung Heart. First instinct is "Oh, a heart! How cute! Ew... what's that smell?" It's perfect to say "I don't love you enough to get you something unique, so I went to the Second-Hand Shoppe and got a pile of dung and shaped it." Plus, that smell never comes out. Onto the next!

2. Is it overly adorable?

If it's cute, it gets the boot. No questions asked. Yes, that means no Feepit Heart Ornament. If I got one of those, I'd automatically assume they liked me. No, you need to go for a Heart Cactus. Not cute, but very painful. Pain is good on this day, unless your "friend" is painted Fire, in which case... no pain. If your "friend" is, indeed, painted Fire, reading this article is a bad idea. Next, please!

3. Is it subtle?

Think about it... would you rather have them happy about a gift, and then crushed when they realize it's Anti-Valentines? Yes. They can just throw out a Mouldy Chocolate Heart, because it smells bad and mould spreads, but take a Bleeding Heart. Sure, it's pretty. It's very pretty. Not many people look at the name. But when you realize it... not so nice anymore, is it? Yeah, you're starting to get the hang of this now, aren't you?

4. Is it expensive?

Of course, this is the kicker. Your gift might be the most horrible, disgusting, evil display of hatred that would make Sloth hug the Money Tree... but it you paid three hundred thousand neopoints for it... it loses the evil quality. So, even though the message of "I want to step on your heart" is very good, the price tag on a Heart Stepping Stone just renders the message irrelevant. However, a nice alternative is just some Angry Emoticon Hearts, saying "Your heart is mad and I'd like to eat it."

So, using these guidelines, I went ahead and just compiled a list of my favorite Anti-Valentine's Day gifts.

10. Ripped Valentines Chia Plushie

This plushie was once adorable, but it was ripped, tattered, and torn (and for good reason, too. Who needs that much joy in the world on Valentine's Day? It just makes no sense!) But there are two major things wrong with this Anti-gift.

a) It's expensive as is. Do you want to spend 40k on your "friend"? I thought not.

b) It's fixable. You don't want them to be able to go to Donny and make it better than new, and resell it or worse... KEEP it. Nonono, let's move on.

9. Bleeding Heart

Hey... I've seen this before! Yes, it was a good enough example for guideline number three that it merits a spot on the list. Yes, it has a quite nasty message, and it's pretty enough to sit on a mantle for as long as someone doesn't realize it, AND there's the bonus of wilting eventually, but it doesn't come cheap, so this one only makes number nine.

8. Broken Heart Cookie

What could be more symbolic than a broken heart? A delicious heart snapped in two, with little crumbs of love scattered in the wind. But yes, it is delicious, so that just can't go. We want them crying and cringing, not sighing contentedly with a nice cookie. Moving on.

7. Broken Heart Flower

The description says it all. "No one likes to receive this plant." It's true. It's not even remotely pretty, just a slightly dead-looking plant, and from personal experience, it never dies, so you're stuck with it. But the downside to this is that it never dies. You can shove it in your closet and it won't die, so you don't get the guilt, but you don't have to see it.

6. A Very Un-Valentines Gift Wrap

Now, if it were up to me, I'd put this as... well... the number 1 is to little a number, so maybe one hundredth? But it's not. I answer to the King of Anti-Valentine's Day, the Pant Devil (please someone help me he's forcing me to write this oh my goodness some help ple-) who is just fan-diddly-astic and will one day be supreme ruler of Neopia... but he can't buy NC mall cards, so this one's only at number 6.

5. Bitten Heart Muffin

I'd like to take a chomp out of your heart! At least, that's what someone giving this gift would be saying. And honestly, who wouldn't, if all hearts were made in delectable little muffins with the most darling little icing on top? Which is why it's only number 5.

4. Black Licorice Hearts

Ignore the description; they're not tasty. They're actually quite revolting, and I think whoever wrote the description was a fellow Anti-Valentiner, so that makes sense that they'd lead you off the trail of revulsion with an anti-caveat for this anti-day. However, the natural instinct is to not eat blackened food, so, four.

3. Broken Heart Pendant

Broken jewelry. Nothing much to say about it. Diamonds may be a girl's best friend, but these were not diamonds, and these were not friendly. Perhaps they were small amounts of table salt? We'll never know, because it's been obliterated so we cannot get the satisfaction of what broke.

2. Oozing Chocolate Heart

This is a yummy little heart, but it's cracked, and "bleeding" cherry filling. Aw, your heart is leaking? Sorry, I guess you just couldn't take 100% of Anti-Valentine's Day badness. Good luck next year!

1. Heart Breath Mints

This employs each guideline perfectly. It says "your breath smells really bad, here, have some mints", so you can go ahead and check off number one. It's certainly not very cute, because... well... it's a mint tin... so check off number two. At first you're distracted by the glimmering tin, but while the person's sneaking away you realize the subtext behind it, so yes, check off three. And finally... it's not a chip out of your bank account, but it's not a giant hunk, so yes, you can finally check off four.

So here you are. The Pant De- erm... I mean, MY top ten Anti-Valentine's Day gifts, and some guidelines if you want to go out and get your own. Now please... someone get me away from here?