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Return of the Guide to Professional Poking

by jumanjiki


Hello, it’s me again, your expert to poking!

A while ago, you might have seen my article ‘Guide to Professional Poking’. I am now here to tell you all about the NOPEs in greater detail, as I have had many neomails with countless questions. So, here it is, your all-you-need-to-know guide to the NOPEs!

For those of you who have not read my previous article (and I suggest you do, as it would be very helpful to you if you are aspiring to continue a career in professional poking), NOPE stands for Neopian Olympic Poking Events, which take place every four years.

The NOPEs first took place in Y4. That year, it was held in Neopia Central. The winner was Jomie Keruschffat, a Lupe resident of the Haunted Woods with an extreme temper problem. He was almost disqualified for shouting at the referee during one of the events, but they let him off for reasons unknown to the public. His winning score in the final event was poking the Shoyru a whopping 633,009 times in ten minutes. One spectator, Jerry Mahe, claimed that his arm 'was a blur. I couldn't see anything but a yellow cloud where his arm should be, it was moving so fast!'

The runner up that year was Liola Simpson, a Faerielandese JubJub. She had poked the Shoyru in the final even 633,049 times, which was more than Kerushcffat, but she had obtained a warning by poking the referee in the second event instead of the target, deducting 50 pokes from her final score. In third place was James Rye, another Neopet from Faerieland, a Grarrl. His score was 630,313 pokes, giving him the bronze medal.

There are three events in the Neopian Olympic Poking Events. The first is where one must poke an angry zomutt which runs around and will bite the Poker if they are not careful. Many have failed at this first hurdle as the zomutt ran too fast for them to poke. The second is where one must poke a Skeith or Grarrl hard enough for them to feel it. The score one must get to pass this event is 20 or more pokes, as it is very hard to achieve. The final, third event is the poking of the Shoyru, which can fly around. It's a difficult event, but if you manage to do it, you are very likely to be in the top five.

And now onto the questions people have asked me.

1. My little Gwendolen would LOVE to participate, but she is a Uni, and therefore has hooves, not fingers. Plus, she can fly, so this might give her an unfair advantage in the Shoyru event. Will she be allowed to participate?

This is a very good question, and I’m glad you raised it. As there are Unis who participate in the NOPEs, a Poking Unit was invented (PU for short). A PU is simply a large plastic hand in the poking position (see my previous article for step by step instructions on how to achieve the poking position) that has a large strap around the bottom. It can then be fastened onto the preferred hoof and used for poking. However, the number of times one must poke to pass the event will increase if a PU is used, as it is easier to poke with. As to the fact that your Uni can fly – the wings will be fastened down during the third event (poking a flying Shoyru).

2. When and where are the next NOPEs?

Unless I am very much mistaken, the next NOPEs take place in Y12 in Shenkuu.

3. Are you a professional poker?

What a stupid question. Of course I am – why would I write an article about poking if I wasn’t?

4. Is it worth starting training for the NOPEs now?

It is always worth poking, no matter what. Who knows – start poking now and by the time the NOPEs come around you’ll be a fully-fledged champion.

5. Do you think it’s safe to poke an alabriss?

I would not suggest it. All alabriss petpets have a slight tendency to snap at the poker around the 100th poke. However, I think that the best petpets to poke are the kind with sharp teeth because a) the first event features a zomutt with sharp teeth, b) you become accustomed to having your fingers nibbled off and c) it will amuse me.

6. What are the best things to practise poking on?

Anything and everything! Just looking around my room … ahem, I mean, erm, my office, I can see many things that will be useful for poking practise eg. Pillow, quilt, lamp, chair, desk, keyboard, fluffy lupe plushie, meepit (not advisable, but good for practicing), xweetok, magical chia pop, handbag, candle, curtains, socks, ceiling, electrical socket. Poking works anywhere on anything, which is why it is such a brilliant hobby.

7. Are parents good poking targets?

I’m afraid not. Parents are extremely volatile and may ban you from your computer, poking and blinking for the rest of the life if you poke them, especially if they’re cooking dinner at the time. NOT a good idea.

8. Are the NOPEs real?

The amount of times I am asked this. *sigh* My friends, readers, the NOPEs are not real, although it is a brilliant idea, though I say so myself. But who knows? The amount of people complaining that my idea is too fantastic to pass up may not go unnoticed by TNT, and, indeed, they may have the NOPEs in Y12, if Neopia is still around by that time.

9. You said in your last article to pat yourself on the back and give yourself a cookie if you successfully poked something – but then you say not to eat junk food! What should I do?

Ah. I see. I had assumed that you were already half experts on poking but no, I guess not. Well, let me share with you a secret cookie recipe I discovered one day that will ensure you get a cookie and stay healthy at the same time!


Ingredients: butter, milk, flour and cinnamon

Method: Dump everything in a bowl and mix it with something long (a stick will do fine, just go outside and get one). When the mixture looks reasonably disgusting, bung it in the microwave until black smoke starts to leak under the door. Sprinkle more cinnamon on top and eat.

So there you have it. I hope it answered any questions you had about poking :) If you have any more, feel free to neomail me!

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