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Cardboard Petpets - an Owner's Manual


by hugthepinapple

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Petpets. They’re fun, they’re lovable, and they eat all the food out of your refrigerator when you aren’t looking. Seriously, though. What if you just aren’t ready for the responsibility of having your very own petpet? What if your owner listens to your two thousand word presentation on the benefits of petpets and gives you a flat out no? What if a stray Meerca ate your wallet and you are out of money? Well, have no fear. My name is Monsieur_Bob, and I’m here to tell you all about your pet’s new best friend- cardboard.

Why should I get a cardboard petpet?

Great question! The answer is that cardboard petpets are low maintenance, adorable pals that you can completely trust with any of your so-called secrets. If you are low on neopoints, you can even make one yourself! It just takes ten minutes, and another seven to find your little sibling’s paste, providing they haven’t eaten it all already. Cardboard petpets are totally unique and personal, so you can suit them to fit your needs. Don’t like cute and cuddly? No problem! Add a tough looking collar or give it a little skateboard. On the contrary, you could give it multiple pink bows or manicures, and it will never, ever complain. Much.

What do they eat?

Cardboard pizza. All joking aside, this is one of the big perks of owning a cardboard petpet. Yeah, you heard me. You don’t have to feed them. Sure, every little child loves to dress their petpets up in fancy suits or dresses and sit them down for tea. But, never before have you been able to eat all of those delicious looking cookies by yourself. For once in your life, you and your petpet don’t have to share!

Why should I listen to you?

Because if you don’t, I shall attack you with my army of cardboard meepits. Next question.

Can they get wet?

Unless you are a big fan of soggy, disgusting piles of wet cardboard and peeling paint, no. Let’s just say... this is one petpet that hasn’t learnt how to swim.

Do you have a cardboard petpet?

Doesn’t everyone?

Will people laugh at my new petpet?

Honestly, the bet is that they will. My advice is to either not tell anyone, or to enroll yourself into therapy ahead of time.

Don’t they get a bit... boring?

Perish the thought! These petpets are ready for any surprise that you throw at them, be it tea parties or invading the Darigan citadel.

Do they talk?

No... no, of course not. *shifty eyes*

Will they plot world domination when I’m not paying attention?

Yes. That’s inevitable with any petpet, even if it is made of cardboard. If you discover that your petpet is plotting behind your back, there is no need to take drastic action. Chances are that unless you own a meepit, the plan will never be put into action.

What if I do own a meepit?

Run away as fast as possible, and don’t turn around.

Is the article done yet?

No. Next question.

What is the best part about owning a cardboard petpet?

Oh, that’s a hard one. I’d have to say the fact that they are so low maintenance. It’s nice not having to let them outside every second to ‘visit their favourite tree’, if you catch my drift.

What’s the catch?

Catch? No catch. They obviously can’t get wet, as I mentioned previously, for the obvious reasons. But, other then that, they are the perfect petpet.

Where can you buy cardboard petpets?

Ah, this might be that so-called catch. You see, you can’t buy them. Or trade them, for that matter. Cardboard petpets are given out only in newbie packs, though if you are feeling creative you could always make one yourself.

Are there any equally low maintenance alternatives?

Plushies. But they can’t talk. Of course, neither can cardboard petpets. *looks around nervously* Next question!

Can we speak to your cardboard petpet?

What’s the point? It won’t respond... I hope.

I just got my first cardboard petpet. What now?

First off, good on you, mate! You just made what was possibly the best decision of your life so far. The first step is to name your new family member. Pick a name that reflects its non-existent personality, but is stylish and classy. Next, you can take it for a walk, read it a story... whatever you want! Just remember... do not get it wet!

I got it wet. Now what?

First off, you should give yourself a time out for being such an irresponsible owner. Secondly, let it dry off in the sun while you shop for any spare parts needed. Rebuild your petpet, using your new parts and anything that wasn’t completely destroyed when it got wet. Finally, apologize and take it out for some ice cream, which it can’t eat.

I lost my petpet.

My, you are an irresponsible owner, aren’t you? No matter. Search every inch of your neohome. If you still can’t find it, check your fridge, behind the butter. I’ve found mine there countless times.

How do they get behind the butter?

By opening the refrigerator and squeezing in between the orange juice and the raspberry jam. Seriously though, I have no clue.

Can you have more then one cardboard petpet?

Why not? You can’t have them all equipped to you at once, but you can always keep the spares in your neohome.

Should I talk to my cardboard petpet?

Daily. I also recommend singing to them just before bed. Preferably a lullaby describing how much you love cardboard.

Do you like bananas?

Yes, I do. Why?

Just curious.

I see. Do you have any more questions about cardboard petpets?

Not really. Do you have anything else to say before we wrap this interview up?

I think that I’ve covered just about everything already. Just treat cardboard petpets like any other petpet. Keep them happy, talk to them and hope they don’t reply. If they do, it’s a good time to go to therapy. I know of a nice office on Mystery Island, if you’re interested. Just remember to love them... and, for the last time, please, don’t get them wet.

 
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