Invisible Paint Brushes rock Circulation: 114,369,520 Issue: 229 | 23rd day of Awakening, Y8
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Rule Number One on Terror Mountain


by shadow_zapdos

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I may not be the smartest Lupe in Neopia, but usually I'm smart enough to not do anything TOO stupid... up until about two weeks ago. I was on an errand to Terror Mountain with my sister, Nuclear_Airax, known as Airax to most. I can still remember my owner Hawk's voice so clearly... "Firehawk, would you and Airax mind going up to Terror Mountain to get some Snow Puffs for dessert tonight?" That's me, x_Firehawk_x. Anyways, it all started when Airax and I were standing outside our Neohome that fateful day...

      ***

      "So remind me again why I have to ride on your back when we could just take the Eyrie taxi?" I asked Airax. She's a Christmas Pteri and I'm a mutant Lupe, so obviously she can fly and I can't. But why do I have to cling to her helplessly all the way there?

      "Because you have to pay to ride the Eyrie taxi! Hawk isn't the Money Tree, you know!" sniveled Airax. You can always count on my oldest sister to be a goody-two-shoes, although I'm Hawk's favourite and she knows it.

      "Oh? Then explain our swimming pool!" I shot back.

      Airax hesitated for a moment, thinking. Which is something she rarely does. "Well... I guess you're right, but-"

      "And why do I have to ride on YOUR back? Why not Dragon's or Padme's?" I asked. My two other sisters-__DragonLily__ the mutant Lenny, and __Padme_Amidala___, the red Hissi. After all, Lennies and Hissies both have wings, right?

      "Because they're too weak to carry you!" Airax thrust her red-and-white chest out proudly. "Did you know my strength level is 35? And my defence is 22?"

      That did it. That was the straw that broke the Uni's back. I was mad enough at Airax already, but no, she had to go and gloat like that. At that moment, I thought of a plan so crafty that I grinned.

      "Okay, Airax, my dear sister. I will ride on your lovely chocolate-brown back," I said sweetly. Airax just stared at me as I climbed onto her back. She knew I was up to something. She just didn't know what.

      ***

      Riding on Airax's back was a real pain. The freezing wind whipped around my ears, and I had lived in the Lost Desert all my life, so I was used to boiling temperatures all year round. This just wasn't right. My tail waved back and forth in the wind like a purple flag, and Airax's feathers poked into my fur like a thousand pointy quills. Lupes just weren't meant for flying. But when I put my plan into action, it would be worth it.

      ***

      Well, we finally got to Terror Mountain, and Airax landed in front of the Super Happy Icy Fun Snow Shop. Just the place to carry out my perfect prank on that selfish, bossy, pointy-feathered Pteri.

      "Okay, we're here to get Snow Puffs, right?" asked Airax.

      "No, we're here to get lottery tickets. What do you think, feather-brain?" I snapped. She was so stupid.

      Airax just rolled her eyes and started looking over the shelf of multicolored Snow Puffs. Now was my chance! I rushed over to the counter and said to the Lenny there, "One Blue Orange Chia Pop, please!"

      "Yes sir," said the Lenny as he turned to get what I had asked for. I would have bitten his head off for calling me a guy, but I was in too much of a good mood to do that right now.

     I pushed the Neopoints across the counter towards the Lenny, and he gave me a tube with blue-and-orange stripes of slush inside it. I tore the top open with my teeth, took aim-and hurled the Chia Pop straight at Airax.

      There was a satisfying yelp as the slush hit its target. Airax was covered from head to toe in slush! I laughed so hard that I fell onto the floor and rolled around. However, I didn't notice Airax point her Demonic Bow at me. It was no longer red, but orange shot with streaks of blue.

      "You get to clean it, wise guy," she growled. Then, another voice spoke.

      "You two should settle this outside." It was the Lenny shopkeeper. He was pointing towards the door. I smirked as Airax and I marched outside. I was still carrying Airax's bow. I loved Chia Pops, so I figured I'd take a lick-big mistake!

      As soon as I tried to remove my tongue from the bow, I knew something wasn't right. My tongue was stuck to the bow! I had forgotten that one important rule-never stick your tongue to metal in winter. I tried to free my tongue by putting the tip of the bow in my mouth and pulling-but then my lips became stuck, too!

      "Firehawk, hurry-" began Airax, but when she saw me sucking on her precious bow, her eyeballs almost popped out of her head. "Oh my Fyora! What were you thinking!" she screamed as she rushed towards me.

      "MMMmmmMMMMM!" I pointed at the Pteri Egg amulet that Airax always wore around her neck. I hoped she would get the idea!

      "My amulet? what about it?" asked Airax, puzzled.

      "MMmmmmMMMm!" I tried to talk, but my lips were stuck. I pointed to the amulet and then to my mouth.

      "You want to eat my amulet? Sorry, but it cost over 20,000 Neopoints," said Airax, shaking her head and staring at me like I was a mutant-um, I mean a freak.

      I began making gestures wildly with my paws, hoping Airax would finally understand. "You want to wear our Neohome while sitting on a case... no, a pack of exploding Ogrins?" guessed Airax. I shook my head furiously and began making more gestures. "You want me to give... um, fry... no, put my amulet by your mouth and... um... smash, er, use it!" exclaimed Airax.

      I nodded so hard I thought my neck would come off of its hinges.

      "Of course! The amulet heats up when I use it!" Airax leaned in close to my face, muttered a few words, and the amulet began to glow with a yellow light-and with a loud pop, a huge rotten tomato appeared on my head.

      "Darn it, what's wrong with this thing?" groaned Airax. "Look, maybe we should just fly back to Hawk and see if she can do anything about this." I looked at Airax with a puzzled expression. And just how would we do that?

     I soon found out.

      ***

      When we got into the air, I hoped that my tongue would stay stuck to the bow instead of coming off. Airax, wanting to show off her strength, was holding the handle of the bow in her claws-while I dangled pitifully over the ocean, clinging to the bow for dear life! I was now even madder at Airax, although I just wanted to get this bow off of my tongue and this tomato off of my head. It seemed to have frozen to my head as well. That's all I needed, another thing sticking out of my head.

      "Look, Firehawk, there's our house straight ahead!" Airax called over her shoulder as she made a terrifying downward dive. I grumbled angrily when my feet finally touched solid ground.

      "Oh, good, you're back! How did it go?" asked Hawk cheerfully.

      "Guess," groaned Airax, stepping aside to reveal me, with the bow still in my mouth.

      "Oh dear," said Hawk, who seemed to be not worried at all. "Honestly, Firehawk, how do you get yourself into situations like this? Come on, let's get you to the hospital-and let's take the taxi this time, shall we?"

      ***

      When we got to the hospital, people stared at us-and not just ordinary stares, we-think-you-guys-are-all-completely-whacked stares. After all, who wouldn't think a Christmas Pteri whose feathers were sticky with Chia Pop juice and a human holding a bow that was sticking out of a mutant Lupe's mouth were crazy? When we saw the Gelert doctor, all he could do was stare in bewilderment at the sight.

       "Um... well, what seems to be the problem?" he asked. As if he didn't know already!

      "My Lupe here seems to have a bow stuck to her tongue," said Hawk, grinning slightly.

      "Ah, she forgot rule number one on Terror Mountain, eh?" said the doctor, smiling back.

      "What's rule number one?" I tried to ask.

      "Oh, you'll figure it out yourself, don't you worry," said the doctor. "But now, to remove that bow." He walked over to the sink and motioned for Firehawk to come with him. "The least painful way to get your tongue off is to run your mouth under hot water-it'll burn a little, but I think you'll agree that it's better than having a bow sticking out of your mouth." I just nodded and leaned over the sink, glad that I would be free soon.

      ***

      The doctor finally managed to get both the bow and the tomato off of my head with just some hot water-well, he had to use a chisel for the tomato, but it worked out anyways. However, my sisters and Hawk never stopped bugging me about it.

      "Hey, Firehawk, did you lick any bows today? I hear they're rather tasty," said Dragon in a mocking voice.

      "Hawk, they're bugging me again!" I called to my owner.

      Hawk just sighed "Well, Firehawk, there are three kinds of accidents. Avoidable, unavoidable, and just plain stupid."

      "And since mine was avoidable, that's why they bug me?" I guessed.

      "Nope, because it was just plain stupid," Hawk said, starting to laugh as I chased her around the kitchen.

      ***

      Well, ever since that happened, I've tried to be more careful, even though I look back on it and laugh. Hmmm... I guess you're wondering if I ever figured out what rule number one on Terror Mountain was. I certainly did, after a while...

     Never, ever get too close to a metal object with your mouth. Believe me, you'll regret it.

The End

 
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