Dr Sloth: A Short, Rather Random Autobiography by star_wars_gurl_2468 |  |
Author's note: This was actually written by Dr. Sloth. If you Neomail me your
questions, I'll make sure to give them to him. I--um, he, would really like to
know what you think. He is currently out of prison on good behavior *cough*, so
he will be writing in his comments as he edits. Be careful what you say while
reading--he can see you...
VIRUPETS STATION - Dr. Frank Sloth is frankly not my real name. My real name is Dr. Randall Eugene
Sloth (stop laughing, why do you think they call me Frank? Who would bow down
to Dr. Randall Eugene Sloth?). I would tell you my address, but all those stupid
stalkers could find me that way (Go stalk Jhudora! Geez…). Anyway… My hobbies
include making brownies, gardening, ballet, and of course, the occasional plot
to take over Neopia, and the minds of all the Neopets.
So far I have tried to take over Neopia 134 times, with no success. One time
I think I might have successfully brainwashed a rather dull Moehog, but I can't
be sure since he was such a long way behind what most people considered dim-witted.
The only thing he could say was "Asparagus with cheese, asparagus with cheese…"
over and over! I was shooting for something like "World domination, world domination…"
in a robotic, brainwashed tone, or "Muahahahaha" would have done fine… oh well!
My first attempt to take over the world was when I was 1. I stole a spaceship
single handed (The other hand was holding my pink rattle, and a space map),
and headed towards the small planet of Neopia that used to belong to me. On
my way, I accidentally ran into a passing chunk of space matter. I was actually
quite lucky I survived. From then on I vowed revenge on all space matter as
well as to capture Neopia (Evil minds must start young).
Many people don't know, I am NOT a neopet. I look like a balding mutated Grundo-Acara-Blumaroo-Grarrl-Lenny-Skeith
gone wrong, wearing a black robe, but I came to Neopia and owned it before Neopets
showed up (By the way black robes are quite fashionable).
I'm now on a stamp! I can't believe all over Neopia people are licking the
back of my head! (Well, the back of the stamp at least...)
Too bad my good buddy, Darigan, died (Now outdated, he didn't even CALL me
when he found out he wasn't dead... thanks a lot... *cough* sarcasm *cough*).
And so, now it says I will come back to take over Neopia soon on the New Features
page (attempt 135), and so I will, I'd tell you what my plan is, but wouldn't
that just ruin the whole Sloth plot? I think it would, and although I would
love to tell you just to make He-Who-Eats-Much-Asparagus mad, Mrs. Sloth (my
mother) won't let me… Mrs. Sloth won't let me do lots of things. If it weren't
for her, I would have taken over Neopia on my 102nd try, but she just HAD to
come ask me if I was wearing clean undies, in the middle of my BRAINWASHING
SESSION, and snapped all my brainwash-ees out of their trances (Then they all
started laughing at me, and I had to chase them out of the room with my bright
pink yo-yo of death, and my ultra scary Teenage Usuki doll).
And now I must eat low-fat and diet foods, and give up Neocola, (The choice
of intergalactic crimelords everywhere!), even the diet variety, all thanks
to the fact I have been sitting in the same chair for a year trying to come
up with an evil plot, and have gained 134 pounds (My species gains weight rather
rapidly, especially during prolonged exposure to evil plotting).
I sucked my thumb until I was 43 (I am now a young 234).
My species is superior to Neopets. We live longer (infinity squared to be exact),
and we help the economy more by buying 50 times the amount of sweets and cola
(not that I care that that's helpful or anything...).
I collect anything with baby faces on them (I have a weakness for cute babies,
and all things pink, pre-washed, and cuddly).
Fuzzles adore me by the way. No idea why… one time I went into outer space,
and found an entire planet of Fuzzles, who immediately declared me their ultimate
ruler, I didn't even have a chance to state my business (to take over the planet,
which I ended up leaving before I was destroyed by the Fuzzles' cuddliness),
before being hauled off by them yelling, "We wuv you! We wuv you! Be our weader!
We'll give you lots of huggy-wuggies!" It was quite cute really.
Some items featuring me! (One step closer to world domination):
Dr Sloth Poster, Dr. Sloth Stamp, Evil Sloth Clone #32, Grinning Sloth Stamp,
Scary Sloth Stories, Secret Sloth Slushie, Sloth Lunch Box, Sloth Ruler, Sloth
Surprise, and Splat-A-Sloth Stamp. And coming soon: Dr. Sloth Fuzzy Slippers
(100% cottony evil), and Dr. Sloth Rubber Bath Toy (It doesn't squeak, it Muahahahas!
Perfect for frightening small bath-faring children).
Despite numerous rumors, I only went out with Jhudora once, and once she threw
her Secret Jhudora Slushie at me (Which I had specially for her, from the most
disgusting ingredients available), I have disliked her since, although I will
not deny going out with various other dark and fire faeries, and Edna a few
times before settling down with the wonderful Mrs. Sloth a few years ago.
Through many attempts to take over the world, I have learned one thing, NEVER,
try to put Maraqua back together as a second headquarters. I lost over 10,000
robots to rust and giant sea snails.
NPv2 has been acting up again. All he will say is "Asparagus and dung, asparagus
and dung…" over and over. I think he got caught in one of my international brainwashing
waves, and ended up like that Moehog I mentioned earlier. NPv2 has always been
pretty dull however, once all he could say was, "Glff, glff," which didn't make
any sense, so, I guess you would call this an improvement… I think.
I rather enjoy some of Neopia's boy bands, mostly M*YNCI, Yes Boy Ice Cream,
and 2 Gallon Hatz. And quite frankly, Twisted Roses scare me…
Random facts about me:
I collect fuzzy petpets, posters of Fyora, Fuzzles, pink things, and anything
with my face on it. I sometimes imagine I can fly. I read dance books. I enter
the storytelling contest every day (You have to start world domination somewhere!),
and I loathe the color brown. Last, (but definitely not least) I eat asparagus
every day. I fancy wigs by the way (No one likes being a chicken head), so if
you happen to see one, buy it for me and send it to:
Dr. Frank Sloth
1234 World Domination Plaza,
Virtupets Space Station, 98765
11 stamps required for postage (Space mail is expensive now due to inflation),
all preferably with my face on them, plus 300 NP S&H. In return for your kindness,
I might not turn your brain to mush next time I try to enslave Neopia (Key word
is might).
I frequent the Virtupets board now that I am done with plotting my next scheme,
and am quite thrilled by some of what I see, there are some pretty nice plot
ideas there! Thank you to all my loyal fans. I will be holding a meeting for
all of my followers on Friday at the Virtupets space station. We will drink
tea, play Kau Korral with NPv2, and talk about world domination. See you there!
(It will be pot luck so please bring your own gross food to share!) Bye!
The End
Note: Dr. Sloth is watching you… MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! Tell me what you
think. I am NOT a Sloth follower, so don't Neomail me saying "OMG I lUv sLOth
2! SloTH rulz!" Or I will block you… Thank you for reading this! Sloth has successfully
brainwashed you while you read this story. Muahahahaha…
|
