Finding My Wings

     “No no no!” She cried. “I can’t do this, I can’t do this.” She felt her heart racing. The anxiety was taking over and getting worse. She shouldn’t have come here. She definitely shouldn’t be asking to do things that no other faerie has ever done before. The hope didn’t matter. The dream didn’t matter. It was too much. All of it. Everything was too much.

     Beside her, a lavender mist started swirling, and the wind began howling. That could only mean one thing. It was too late.

     “Jordan,” Fyora said as she emerged behind the cloud. “What are you doing here? Are you okay? I heard you outside.”

     “Hi, ma’am. Miss. Queen. Erm…” She stammered. She tried to stop her hands from shaking and tried to remember how to breathe.

     “I told you before, my door is always open. Why don’t we go inside? You can talk to me about what troubles you.”

     With a flick of her hand, the door to her tower opened up, and Fyora gestured Jordan inside. She felt herself walking forward, although she wasn’t sure if it was of her own doing.

     “It’s okay, there’s nothing my star faerie could tell me that can hurt over some nice fresh Fresh Faerie Fruit Parasol Punch! Come! Sit.”

     Jordan nervously sat down on one of several Queen Fyora Rocking Chairs that were set up in her living room. It was perfectly pillowy soft and made absolutely no noise when she sat down. A Fresh Faerie Fruit Parasol Punch appeared next to her on the Enchanting Round Table between the two of them. She looked at it, then looked up at her Queen, who smiled gently.

     “You didn’t come all this way just to enjoy a drink. I can tell. What is troubling you?”

     Jordan looked away. She thought maybe she could get it out if she wasn’t looking at her. It made it less real that way somehow. She took a deep breath.

     “I don’t know if I have the right words for this,” she began with a slight tremor in her voice. She cleared her throat. “But something deep within me has always felt off. I’ve never known what it was. I thought it might be my element, or me being a faerie. But you always believed in me. And I do enjoy my job and helping Neopians, I really do. I look forward to it even. But something still feels wrong. It has always felt wrong. Something about me and my place in Neopia. How do I fit into it? How I look to others. For years, I tried to stuff the hole with hobbies or clear the clouds with grades.” Her metaphors were getting confusing, and she realised she was rambling. She glanced up at Fyora. Her eyes were soft and kind, and she was listening intensely.

     “To get to the point,” she began as she shifted her gaze down to her lap. “I heard that Neopets can have their gender changed by a mad scientist. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, imagining it, hoping for it. I think that’s it.”

     “What’s it?” Fyora asked, clearly puzzled. “You’re not a Neopet.”

     That felt like a punch to the gut for Jordan. Maybe she didn’t get it. She deluded herself into thinking Fyora understood or would be capable of understanding.

     They sat in silence for a few moments.

     Jordan took a deep breath and forced herself to look the Queen in the eyes.

     “I am not a Neopet. But I think I’m a boy. A male faerie.”

     Queen Fyora furrowed her brows. This didn’t seem like anger; it seemed like confusion, or perhaps unease.

     “I see,” she said plainly.

     Jordan closed her eyes. This was not going well.

     “You know what, Jordan?” Fyora asked. There was no anger in her voice, but Jordan was afraid she was angry. Fyora was never one to shout. Jordan opened her eyes and braced herself for the worst. She was going to get stripped of her wings. Banished from Neopia. Launched into Dr. Sloth’s orbit.

     “Ma’am?”

     “I’ve never known a male faerie. I’ve never even considered a male faerie. But you’re right. Neopets change their gender to feel more like themselves. They are happier, healthier, and more confident. You have always had some anxious energy about you. If you think that would help ease yourself and make you feel like yourself, I want to support you.”

     Jordan was stunned. Although this is what she wanted to hear, this isn’t what she expected Fyora to say.

     “So. How do we start this? How can I help?”

     “I don’t know. I never got that far in my fantasies. Frankly, I thought you would tell me this is impossible.”

     “Nothing is impossible, dear,” Fyora said with a smirk.

     “Well, I like my name. I always have since it’s considered gender-neutral. So I can keep it.”

     “Okay.”

     “But pronouns?”

     “He and him?”

     “Yes.”

     “Okay.”

     “Can I cut my hair?”

     “Of course.”

     “And a different faerie uniform?” She… no, from now on it is he. Finally. He winced at this.

     “Done. It will be at your Neohome when you return today.”

     They stared at each other in silence. Jordan wasn’t sure what else to say. A trip to the lab ray didn’t seem needed, but he thought this whole process would be a lot more cinematic.

     Fyora broke it first, almost reading his thoughts. “We can visit the scientist if you want. You don’t have to have him officially do it. You can if you want. But this is enough, for either now or forever. You only owe anything to yourself.”

     Jordan considered this. He had thought the magic zap would do it, but maybe he wanted to try living like this first before considering that. He didn’t even know if the scientist could zap faeries or if it was for Neopets only. Perhaps Fyora didn’t either and was just trying to help. Perhaps he could ask himself or a Neopet.

     “Thank you, ma’am.” He wasn’t sure what else to say. “I guess I will go home now.”

     He awkwardly got up and walked to the front door.

     “Jordan?” Fyora called behind him.

     He turned to face her.

     “Thank you for finally being honest with yourself and with me.”

     He searched for the words, but he couldn’t find them. He smiled and felt tears form in his eyes. Fyora nodded.

     He got back home and, as promised, a new fire faerie uniform was wrapped up in sparkly purple packaging waiting outside. A bright red suit. A full suit! He adored it. Slipping into that suit made everything feel right. He went into his bathroom and cut his hair shorter, modelling it after Jeran. When he finished, he looked at himself in the mirror and, for the first time in his life, he liked what he saw. The Jordan in the mirror finally looked like the Jordan he felt. The cloud above him started to clear up, and the hole inside him got a little more filled.

     The next morning, he went to work with all the other faeries. He was both excited and terrified. He wasn’t sure if he would be embraced, but he was sure he would finally be able to stand tall.

     “Jordan?” Emma, one of the water faeries, came up to him. “What are you wearing? What happened to your hair?”

     Others started looking over, some even walking over.

     “Hi Emma,” Jordan winced. “I’m a male. I think I’ve always known. Maybe you all have always known. But Queen Fyora helped me fully get to this place. I will still work here, collecting clothes and blessing Neopets, just as a male faerie. Perhaps as the first male faerie.”

     There were a few snickers in the crowd. Some actual laughter. Some boos, even. But he did not care. For the first time in his life, he did not care what others thought of him because, for the first time in his life, he felt like Jordan and not an imposter.

     “Oh, that’s wonderful! You look so good in this suit. I’ve honestly never seen you so glowing and happy!” She gave him a big hug and went to join the other water faeries.

     A few others said kind words throughout the day. Many Neopets were confused as well, but once Jordan explained it’s like the lab ray, just less official, they understood and were cool with it, so long as they were able to still get their strength up, they did not much care about the specifics. Those who were not supportive mostly kept their distance, which was the best he could hope for.

     Jordan only became a better faerie from that point on. He was more personable, charismatic, and overall better with her abilities. And he was what he always wanted to be: confident. It didn’t take long for him to notice that the hole inside him was finally filled, and the cloud above his head was gone.

     He finally found power in his voice and strength in his abilities. He finally was able to fully understand what it meant to be a faerie despite so many countless hours studying and straight As. He was finally able to truly find his wings because he found his true self.

     The End.