How to Pretend to Be Sick

     1.) Achy Head -- To pretend you have Achy Head, you must fool your owner into thinking you have a nasty headache. So squint at bright lights and recoil every time you hear a loud or high-pitched noise. Try rubbing your head a few times for good measure. You also need to fake being under the weather in general, so tone down any enthusiasm you might normally have. Yes, even if your owner just gave you a Faerie Queen Doll to play with.

     2.) Bloaty Belly -- Seeing as the only way (besides magical events like Hubrid Nox and the Discarded Magical Grundo Plushie) you can get this disease is by eating too much, the best way of faking Bloaty Belly (in addition to lying that you feel bloated) is to convince your owner that you ate too much. Try stealing a bunch of snacks from the pantry and hiding them under your bed, or going to the doughnut shop, eating one doughnut and leaving the crumbs all over your face, and lying that you actually ate ten doughnuts. And whatever you do, don't eat anything until you get "better"! Nobody who actually has Bloaty Belly wants to eat, remember, not even if it's a Chia Pop.

     3.) Bloaty Feet -- Unless you know of a spell to actually enlarge your feet, the only way to pretend you have Bloaty Feet is by wearing socks and gradually stuffing them with feathers, pillow stuffing, or anything you can find. If your owner questions why you're wearing socks, just claim you feel cold.

     4.) Blurred Vision -- Act like you can't see what's right in front of you. Bump into things, and claim you didn't see them. Try holding things up very close to your face as if you can't see very far. And once in a while, claim you're seeing spots.

     5.) Bubbles -- Swallow a glass of water very quickly to give yourself the hiccups, and then quickly wash your mouth out with soap. The after-effects look very similar to a case of Bubbles.

     6.) Chickaroo -- Walk around clucking instead of speaking and, if you are a male Neopet, crow occasionally, especially at sunrise. If you have wings, flap them, but don't fly gracefully as you might normally fly. If you don't have wings, flap your arms or forelegs or whatever you have instead. And every now and then, tilt your head and peck at the ground.

     7.) Cricky Neck -- The key to faking this illness is to hold your neck out straight, pretend that it hurts, and don't move it at all. Not an inch. Act as though if you move your neck, you'd be in terrible pain.

     8.) D'achoo -- Throw pepper in your face. This will both make you sneeze and make your eyes hurt, which will mimic the symptoms of D'achoo to a T.

     9.) Doldrums -- Find the darkest, coldest part of your house. That might be the basement, the attic, or just a dark corner. And act as though it's the best place in the world and refuse to come out of there for all the tea in Shenkuu. I don't care if it's damp or if it gives you the creeps, that's what you get when faking a case of Doldrums.

     10.) Floppy Tongue -- Stick your tongue out like a Warf and refuse to put it back in, letting your drool get all over the place. Remember to loosen your tongue muscles also, so that your tongue appears as large as it can be.

     11.) Fuzzitus -- Start itching, squinting your eyes, and generally acting as though you have allergies when in the vicinity of anything fluffy. This includes fluffy rugs, feather boas, and yes, even your own Walking Carpet. If you're a JubJub, exaggerate your symptoms even more.

     12.) Fuzzy Fungus -- If you're a furry Neopet, simply paint yourself purple. If you're not a furry Neopet, you'll need to find some purple fuzz and stick it to yourself with temporary glue. I recommend going to a craft store -- you'll find both purple fuzz and glue there.

     13.) Grumbles -- Skip breakfast, or lunch, or dinner. Whichever meal is your next one. This will make you very hungry and thus your stomach will start rumbling. But remember not to let your owner realise you skipped a meal, or else they will know you're just hungry.

     14.) Hoochie Coochies -- Grab some paint or pens and paint blue and green spots all over you. Always wanted to be an artist? Well, now's your chance.

     15.) Itchy Scratchies -- Make red lumps out of papier mache and stick them all over your body, then scratch them like mad. Make sure to use a glue that isn't permanent, but nevertheless will ensure that the fake lumps remain on your body when you scratch.

     16.) Jitters -- This isn't a disease suitable for a lazy Neopet to fake. It's more suited for an active Neopet who doesn't want to fake an illness like NeoFlu where you must lay in bed. To convince your owner you have Jitters, run and run like there's no tomorrow. You need to be in shape to fake this illness, so you won't get out of breath.

     17.) Kikoughela -- Deliberately cough several times a day, making it seem uncontrollable. Also, it's best to speak hoarsely, so that everyone will think you have a sore throat. No singing or yelling.

     18.) Lumps -- Same as Itchy Scratchies, except here, the papier mache lumps need to be made yellow instead of red, and you need to make them bigger.

     19.) Neezles -- Grab a red pen or some red paint and draw spots all over your body.

     20.) Neggitus -- Wear a headscarf, earmuffs, or a hat so that your owner won't notice your ears aren't really swollen. If they question why you're wearing it, claim it helps with the pain. Act dizzy; walk around as though you can't quite find your footing. Remember that time the Merry-Go-Round went too fast? Walk like you did after that.

     21.) NeoBlues -- Act sad. And I don't mean sad like "I didn't win anything at the Wheel of Misfortune" sad. I mean sad like "I'm watching 'The Noil King' on Grey Day" sad. Act as though nothing on Neopia could ever cheer you up, even things you usually enjoy.

     22.) Neo Flu -- Buy some blush from a cosmetics store and put some on so that your face looks flushed. Then, act very sleepy. As though you can barely keep your eyes open. Walk slowly, yawn a lot, and pretend to fall asleep at desks and tables. You also need to refuse to eat -- yes, even if your owner is offering you a Neocola float.

     23.) Neogitus -- Whenever you eat or drink, act as though you're in pain and grab at your mouth. Keep your mouth closed, too, so that your owner won't be able to tell that your gums aren't actually swollen.

     24.) Neomites -- Go outside and gather a bunch of Petpetpets. Then, promise them a snack as payment if they hop around in your skin and make you itch. Make sure to tell them to hop off the moment your owner takes you to the Healing Springs or gives you an injection.

     25.) Neomonia -- Much like NeoFlu, you need to pretend to be tired, so faking a case of Neomonia is a perfect excuse to stay in bed. If you can't stay in bed, act like you could fall asleep at any moment. You also need to act grumpy, which means complaining about anything and snapping at people for the most minor of things -- the Giant Omelette served you Plain Omelette again? Growl. It's too sunny or too rainy? Whine. Your owner is trying to play with you? Demand that they buy you more toys. Also, much like with Achy Head, Neomonia involves feeling sick in general, so try to act listless and unenthusiastic.

     26.) NeoPhobia -- Act like leaving the house is the scariest thing ever. If your owner suggests going anywhere, even if it's to Happy Valley, act as though you'd rather be visited by the Shadow Usul than leave the house. And if you already *are* outside the house, act scared out of your wits and demand to go home.

     27.) NeoPox -- Much like Neezles, this disease requires you to paint red spots on yourself. However, the spots on NeoPox are itchy, so you'll need to scratch at them to seal the deal.

     28.) NeoWarts -- Glue a bunch of cauliflowers to your body to make it seem as if they are growing on you.

     29.) Pollenitus -- Like D'achoo, you can fake this illness by throwing pepper in your face to make you sneeze and make your eyes sting. However, only fake Pollenitus around the change of the seasons and when plants are in bloom, or else your owner will get suspicious.

     30.) Reptillioritus -- Paint yourself red and scratch yourself from time to time. Like Bloaty Belly and NeoFlu, you will need to refuse any and all food. I know that pizza looks delicious, but you'll have to pretend you don't want it! Finally, much like NeoFlu and Neomonia, you will need to pretend to be tired, so walk slowly, act like you could nod off at any time, and spend a lot of time in bed if applicable.

     31.) Shaky Flakys -- Put some PVA glue on your body so that your skin will appear to be peeling off. Then, shake like mad. Act as though someone's thrown ice on you.

     32.) Shock-a-Lots -- Scuff your feet against the carpet to produce a static charge. If you have fur, you'll know it's starting to work when it begins to stand on end.

     33.) Sneezles -- Like D'achoo and Pollenitus, you can use pepper for this, but you don't need to throw it in your eyes since your eyes don't hurt with Sneezles; you just have to sneeze, so inhaling it would work fine.

     34.) Spyder Bite -- Act as though any and all Spyders scare the living daylights out of you. This can be a perfect excuse if you don't want to go to the Haunted Woods; just pretend you're too scared to see the Spyder Grundo. Warning: do not fake a case of Spyder Bite if you own a Spyder yourself. Your owner might think your Petpet gave you the disease and give the Spyder away!

     35.) Ugga-Ugga -- Cough from time to time, and most importantly, don't say anything other than "Ugga"! If your owner catches you saying *any* actual word -- even a simple "yes" or "no" -- the jig is up.

     36.) Watery Eyes -- Cut an onion or pour some water into your eyes. Sure it will sting, but it'll give the impression of having Watery Eyes all right.

     And there you have it -- a complete guide to faking all 36 diseases! Now you'll know what to do the next time your owner wants to take you down the Lair of the Beast. Just don't let your owner see this article, or they will get suspicious.