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Sir Tormund Ellis: A Documentary: Part Four

by theschizophrenicpunk


Sophie the Swamp Witch (Potions Maker and Witchy Extraordinaire. Species: Ixi. Colour: Green. Gender: Female.): Those children? Nuisances! They came into my home, interrupting my potion making, ticking off all of those stupid Werelupes, and making a mess of the entire Werelupe Woods! They cut down every last juppie and chokato plant, sent all the Sludgies on a rampage, and even collected all of my ergyfruit for themselves! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to grow ergyfruit in a swamp? The answer is very!

They come into my swamp, and — and, you know what? Disrespectful. That's what it is. Disrespectful! Not even those stupid, smelly Werelupes get up in my swamp like that, 'less I tell ol' kingy and his little servants to fetch me some ingredients. No, they stay away, because they know I don't deal with their nonsense, and the king has learned by now not to send anybody my way, 'less he wants more of his so-called "warriors" turned into Blechies.

But in struts those two kids, out of the blue, no regard for me or anything I'm doing! Let me tell you, if my darling little Meowclops didn't take such a liking to that sorceress, the world wouldn't've gotten saved, because those rotten heroes would have been Slorg food! Interrupting my brewing — bah!

But since my darling Miss Kitty seemed to like them, I figured I might as well use their goody-goody hero hearts for my benefit.

Hehe, the look that sorceress gave me when I told them to fetch me wartroot... you'd think a magic user wouldn't've been so opposed to it. What's wrong with wartroot, anyway? It only smells bad if you think it smells bad, and that's a fact. But that knight didn't mind. He didn't mind at all.

I asked them if they were looking for the Werelupe King, and that little boy tells me yes like it's life or death. I tell him it's suicidal! Foolish, stupid, but he didn't have none of it. I told him I wouldn't tell 'em how to get into the king's lair unless they fetched me some ingredients, and he said fine — off he ran, dragging that poor girl with him, off through the swamps of who-knows-where. Came back right quick. You know, come to think of it, I should employ them to run my errands more often...

But regardless, I tell 'em that I had made a fang necklace that would allow entrance into the burrows for some sorry sod a few years ago, and that he still had it... on his skeleton, that is. (she cackles) But, pah, that foolish little Lupe asked me to make him a new one... I told him no, you nit, go and find the old one! It's still potent! Hehe, that sorceress' face again... but off they ran, into the crypts, without a second thought. Didn't care at all for the dangers. Hmm...

I'll tell you one thing, I think that little boy had something personal against the Werelupes, 'specially ol' kingy. I do. Second I mentioned the brute's name, that little knight's face fell flat as a hotcake. Scowling like crazy. Never seen such fury. He had it out for the Werelupes, like he wanted revenge or something.

Don't know what that was about, but it sure was cute. Hehe, little ones in all their anger... I love to see the young ones turn cold so soon...

Lady Roberta: Tor never fully explained to me what he had against the Werelupes, but there was definitely something deeper than just the king's taking of Illusen's charm. I heard stories of him fighting off the beast Gnarfas and chasing away the king, but I think — no, I know — that something else must have happened between them when he was up in Illusen's canopy that day. I just... never really asked, I guess. It was always such a hard-hitting topic for him. A part of me really feared prodding, not wanting to upset him, you know?

The Assassin: Pfft, the little run-in we had by the crypts was no fun. That knight had no patience. I was hoping to get at least a tiny bit of entertainment out of him, expecting him to come at me like usual, but he wouldn't have any of it. No talking back, no empty threats, nothing. Wasn't worth my time. So I just sent some of those dumb skeletons after them and waited until his little temper tantrum wore off. It was truly frustrating that his typically-entertaining brash sass just wasn't there that day.

Hmm, brash sass...

Try saying that five times fast.

Lady Roberta: Those crypts were a mess, and Tor's weird mood surrounding the whole place didn't help make figuring out the way through any easier. Figuring out those weird puzzles was probably one of my most shining moments on our journey, actually. He kept running up to those weird magic doors and trying to bash his way through, but I knew it wouldn't work. He was just so eager to find the king and get whatever revenge he so badly wanted. It was truly an odd experience. But, I suppose it was no real matter, as we found the necklace and the king eventually.

Well... no, no, it wasn't that simple.

That travel through the burrows was really something else. It was... probably the most worried I was during our journey. See, Tor and I had to split up to cover more ground, seeing how huge the Werelupes' burrows were. It was truly an incredible sight, but... also quite a terrifying one. I found Illusen's charm before him, but...

(she sighs) You know, that king and his subjects might look stupid, but I think they're more intelligent than we give them credit for. They definitely knew we would be coming and looking for the charm — there's no doubt about that. They absolutely knew. And, well... I must admit, I was foolish, and I didn't stop to consider that they might be prepared. I, uh... I ended up being captured by those Werelupes and held as prisoner... (she shudders)

But Tor... he came to my rescue without a second thought. As if it weren't bad enough that he had that strange vendetta against the king already, when he saw that I had been captured, the poor thing, he seemed to fly into some sort of rage. I've never seen him fight with such vigour. He charged at the king with no mercy. No matter how loud the other Werelupes cheered, and no matter what the king threw at him, he fought on, brave as a Blurgah. And that Werelupe King was easily four times his size.

If I didn't respect Tor's strength enough before then, that was... that was really a defining moment.

Sophie: (she cackles) Ol' kingy sure did get his fur ruffled, that's for sure! The big oaf, he was such a mess afterwards. I'll tell you, after that battle, I didn't think he was ever gonna stop pouting. Never seen a Werelupe look so embarrassed. Hilarious! (she cackles)

The Assassin: Eh, the Werelupe King's just a lot of fluff and talk. Defeating him in battle is child's play, truly. I don't know why everyone thinks it's so amazing that the knight managed to do it.

Lady Roberta: Tor helped me down from my prison and off we ran to Illusen's Glade, hoping to free her from that wicked faerie's grasp.

The Assassin: (he snickers) They were so frustrated when I cut the line for the lift. Ah, now that's the kind of fun I live for.

Lady Roberta: Ugh, talk about annoying.

The Assassin: The lift is the only way for wingless people without magical skill like mine to get into Illusen's canopy... and, well, I smashed it. Simple as that. (he snickers) I told them that the lift was out of service and that they needed to find another way up if they wanted to see to the faerie. That little Lupe, he got so frustrated. Him and his little threats... he told me to come fight him, as if that would really be worth my time and trouble. It was always so hilarious...

Lady Roberta: So we had to run around... again... But, luckily, it wasn't too big of a nuisance. We still had to save the rest of the realm from the monsters imprisoning it, after all.

Well, Tor was incredibly worried about his family, so Meri Acres was our first destination. Luckily, Tor's farm was also the place where we found a way to get into Illusen's canopy — Tor's father's little fruit picking invention.

It was just... getting to that point that was difficult.

The Assassin: (he snickers) I stopped them on the road to Meridell, and boy was that little Lupe frustrated. He came charging at me as if I was the one blocking off the city with dark faerie magic. Please, do I look like a dark faerie to you? I certainly hope not.

But he didn't miss a beat. Charged straight for me, sword drawn. It was pathetic. All it took was one half of a shove and he went toppling to the ground like a tipped Kau. Never had an easier time kicking a target to the dirt. I swear, all of your little interviewees who keep saying things about his "strength" need to get their facts straight — what that kid has? That's not strength, that's cockiness. Only a fool would get the two mixed up. Though I suppose Meridell is a realm full of fools, so it doesn't really surprise me that they all think he's such a hero.

Either way, I must say, getting around that wall of magic through Drackon Ridge was somewhat impressive. Those beastly petpets are trouble enough when the sun is shining. The taint from the clouds didn't make them any happier. But, still. (he waves his hand passively) Just fancy sword flailing and some weak spells. Child's play.

Lady Roberta: Puh-lease. It wasn't getting through the ridge that was difficult — don't listen to that guy. He has no idea what he's talking about.

No, no, what was difficult was trying to keep Tormund calm when he learned that his family was in danger...

Lucy Ellis: I was really scared... The big clouds came, and everyone got really mean, and then the thorns and the vines from Shadowglen came and grabbed us all. Just grabbed us! Everyone on the farms, all my friends, and my parents, and my friends' parents — just took us all! That big, stupid juppie monster held us like it wanted us for dinner. Hmph.

Patricia Ellis: All of us truly thought that day would be our last. When the vines came and took us, we all seemed to surrender collectively. I remember being dragged through the brush and into the forest, and when I was tied up and held still, I looked around and saw all my friends and family — my husband, my daughter — everyone just... there. Tied up and helpless.

Farmer Tessa: It was such a terrifying experience, and I was so scared of everything that was happening...

Well... I suppose it's still a terrifying thought. Something like that stays with you forever. Being that helpless, unable to move, unable to fight... and seeing your children beside you — that is what truly tore me down. Seeing my baby Luke tied up and crying, thinking he was going to die. That was my worst nightmare. Well, it still is my worst nightmare. In fact, I think that's probably true for every mother.

Lucy Ellis: I had been taken by that stupid plant before, you know, but it was different this time. It looked all different. It had grown a bunch of these gross spiky things, and it changed colour even. It was more evil than before! It was scarier, too, and... and...

I just... I didn't think Tor would come. Because he had been gone for so long. He was a knight, and he had to do knight things, and... and the clouds were over Meridell before they were over anywhere else, so...

(she sniffles) I thought Tor was already dead...

The Assassin: I didn't know that those families were in direct danger, and that the children were the only way of saving them. How could I have known that? If I had known, I would have, er, postponed my little games. No use in ending lives without pay, right?

(he sighs) Well... all jokes aside, I suppose a part of me is glad that those children didn't get eaten by the monsters I threw them to in Shadowglen. It would have made the rest of my life easier if they had been, of course, but... well, they call me ruthless, not heartless. I would've hated to see those completely innocent farmers and their spouses and children be devoured by that foul juppie beast. Too much innocent bloodshed.

... What? Why are you looking at me like that? Am I not allowed to care?

You act as if I want to see the whole world burn...

Lady Roberta: The assassin tricked us, and we ended up falling into this trap hole full of plant monsters; but, again, they were no match for Tor, especially since his family was in danger. He would have gone to the end of the world and back to save them. As if he wasn't heated enough during our quest through Werelupe Woods and the battle with the king, having his family directly in peril sent him completely over the edge. I don’t think he stopped running the entire time we were in Shadowglen. He sliced through every monster with ease, checked every shadow and cave for those missing, called out their names every second... My own heart was racing just seeing how scared he was. The panic in his eyes...

I don't know what would have happened if we hadn't gotten there in time to save them. I don't know if he would have survived knowing that his family did not...

Patricia Ellis: We had all lost hope... but then Tor arrived with his little friend, just in the nick of time.

Lucy Ellis: And then, whoosh! Right in the last second, in comes Tormund! He was in all this cool armour, and he had this fancy shiny sword made out of Kreludite! How cool is that?! And he was like, (she pantomimes swordfighting) hi-ya! Take that, you monster! Let them go! Crash, crash! It was so cool! And he had, like, these cool flames on his sword, and they were like, whoosh! And burned through the plant thing, and it screamed so loud, and then it collapsed all on the ground, all crumpled and withered-like. It was crazy cool!

(she sighs dreamily) My brother is so awesome...

Hubert Ellis: Boy, was I proud of my son, seeing him fight off such a giant beast, no fear, no remorse, nothing but strength and love in his eyes. He saved all of us, he did. No doubt about it. We would have never made it out of there alive it weren't for my boy.

Uh, and his little friend, of course...

Prince Tourin: Yes, the dreadful clouds, they filled my heart with such cruelty — such woe! I felt my blood run cold, and I felt my rage turn seething. And I cursed the skies — yes, the foul, wretched skies!

But just then, a shining ray of hope, a true white knight, a blessing from Fyora herself... young Hero Tormund — yes, hero, I say! He came with his sword held high, and he slew the beast which tied the clouds to this land — indeed, he slew the clouds themselves! They perished, and the waters turned pure, and the skies turned clear. Yes, oh yes, and my heart, it ceased its yearning, for the hero Tor, he brought with him word from my love — my dearest, darling Dona! She received the golden rose of my affection, and young Tor, as her emissary, he came to me with the fruits of her love in his arms — the letters! The love letters, so pure and full of passion — my dearest Dona's adoration! Yes, yes, I knew I could count on the brave hero to save my heart from a cruel demise, and he did not let me down — no, no, he did not!

Lady Roberta: With Tor's farm saved, we were eager to get back to Illusen and save her from the Darkest Faerie's grasp, but then...

Mayor Jurgin: The Ixi Chieftain went mad, I tell you! Absolutely mad!

Lady Roberta: (she sighs) Then Cogham came calling...

We'll be right back after these messages...

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Other Episodes

» Sir Tormund Ellis: A Documentary: Part One
» Sir Tormund Ellis: A Documentary: Part Two
» Sir Tormund Ellis: A Documentary: Part Three

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