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Slothic Neopets: Your Minion of DOOM and You!

by carrotopian


We all know that there are some topics that one simply does not raise in polite company. Their stigma is too severe, their humiliation too heavy to bear and the likelihood of being offered the last slice of chocolate sponge cake and/or being invited to any subsequent genteel gatherings is remote.

However, when you find that you have begun harbouring ugly suspicions that one of your Neopets is an undeclared devotee of Dr. Frank himself, whom do you turn to? Family, friends, neighbours, one of the myriad Neoboards and risk running the gauntlet of ridicule, morbid curiosity and inappropriate low ball offers on your trades...?

The truth is that one often finds oneself completely alone in these situations because of the barriers Neosociety throws up when one of your Neopets does not quite conform. The prospect of becoming a social outcast because one of your Neopets is “different” can be a terrifying one but, when all is finally said and done, they are still your Neopet and, as their owner, you have an unconditional duty to defend them.

Let me ask you this: could you really abandon your Neopet, your little buddy, just because he (or she) is out of the ordinary? How many Neopets do you think have ended up languishing in the Neopian Pound because their owners were ill-equipped to deal with their seditious conduct? What about those unfortunate Neopets who have suffered all manner of outrageous modifications in desperate attempts to cover their owners’ shame?

None of these approaches works; if they have indeed become a secret Sloth supporter, it is too late - you cannot ‘re-program’ your Neopet (that is a something that only a tyrannical overlord of evil can do and, where your Neopet is concerned, you are doubtless already right at the back of the line there). You have no choice but to accept your Neopet as they are and love them because of it; if you cannot, then there are really only two courses of action open to you.

One choice is to dispatch your Neopet to the Neopian Pound. As a responsible Neopet owner, can you honestly say that you would not feel horrible to the core if you sent the tiny chap (or chap-ette) to that unfriendly detention centre for Neopia’s unloved, unwanted and possibly unwashed? Look deep into the limpid eyes of your little Neopet. Would you, could you cast them out indefinitely, maybe forever...? I sincerely hope not.

Another option is to find them an alternative, loving home with a Neofamily who are better capable of administering to their unique, Slothic needs, but is that really what you want? It really is better for your Neopet if you can accept that they are altered and work on helping them, not turning your back on them just because things have become a little awkward at the Neopet Owners Annual Social on Mystery Island; life can’t all be grass skirts, tropical breezes and coconut juice - you hear what I am saying?

However, let me issue you with these firm words of warning; if your Neopet is truly a secret Sloth supporter and you decide to be there for them, always be aware of this. No matter how much you love them, you can never completely trust them. You must be on your guard at all times; otherwise, if you are not extremely careful, they will most certainly do everything in their power to re-program you! You can never be too cautious around a Slothic Neopet, and the information contained below is designed to help you continue caring for your special little guy (or gal) in the face of adversity.

Hints and tips on how to tell if you actually are inadvertently harbouring a secret Sloth supporter; signs to be vigilant of are as follows:

A hitherto unnoticed tendency to favour the colour olive.

An unnatural desire to tinker about with cloning.

Frequent and unreasonable demands to be referred to as #32.

Designing and wearing DOOM-themed underwear.*

Uncontrolled expressions of glee following the mutation of any Neopet or Petpet.

Furious gelling of the fur, on the crown of the head.

An inexplicable aversion to wearing socks.

New friends that have more than the usual number of eyes and/or limbs.

Hidden caches of suspicious bottles that contain unidentifiable liquids.

Suspicious neomails to or from someone calling themselves “Francis”.

Your Neopet may display any or all of the behaviours indicated above or, he (or she) may exhibit none at all; it is easier said than done to make a concrete diagnosis, which is what makes this condition so appallingly problematical to identify and provide proper therapy for.

Ridiculous myths about coping strategies debunked:

Daily rub-downs with pink glittery body gel do not work; they just make your Neopet sticky and can cause a particularly nasty rash.

Keeping the Neovision tuned to the happy channel, twenty four hours a day is pointless; it will merely drive you all slowly insane.

Putting four times the recommended daily allowance of sugar in all your Neopet’s food and drink will just lead to tooth decay.

These ideas are completely foolish. There is no credibility in these methods whatsoever and all such nonsense should be ignored. You cannot cure a Neopet of having a mind of their own (even if you are suspicious that their mind is in fact, not their own and that they have, in point of fact, become a victim of mind control).

How you can help your Slothic Neopet:

Regular trips to swamps, dark forests and rubbish tips are high up on their preferred jaunts. They also quite like playing Frisbee (no, I don’t understand that either).

Be patient with them; there is love in their twisted, black hearts. Really.

Try to understand that they may prefer stay isolated in their room for hours, playing mind-warping ‘music’ and colouring their paws black; it’s OK - they are only expressing themselves.

And finally – trust me, you cannot have enough pairs of industrial-strength rubber gloves.

Remember: if other Neopians and/or Neopets are cruel to you or your Slothic Neopet, it is to their detriment; ignore them and their narrow-mindedness. Instead, be the one to set an example; by keeping your chin up, you will encourage your Neopet to hold their head high (or heads, depending on how far gone they actually are).

*Not to be confused with Underwear of DOOM™.

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