A Beginner's (Satirical) Guide to Key Quest Beta

Have you heard all the hype about the new Neopets game Key Quest and are you ready to play for the very first time? Well, this is the guide for you*! Once you finish this article, you will be prepared on what to expect during your first game. Since the game is still in Beta testing, be prepared for a few glitches here and there!

(*Note: This guide is satirical in nature and may not be the guide for you. The guide is based solely upon the recent experiences of the author of the guide and may or may not be of any actual use. Further reading of the guide implies you will not take the guide to heart and will not send angry neomails to the author about being a useless guide writer.)

Step 1: Finding Key Quest

(i) You read about it in the news and see topics about it on the games boards, but where exactly is Key Quest? Click the games link in the navigation tool bar to get to the massive hoard of games Neopia has to offer. Using the handy search tool, enter ‘Key Quest’. You should get a message that says “Sorry, we didn't find a game with 'key quest' in the name” complete with an image of a sad blue Grundo (poor guy probably wanted to play too). Obviously the game is not located there, which is a bit strange, but it’s in beta, so we’ll let that slide.

(ii) Repeat that step, but this time using the site-wide search tool. Click the first result, and voila! Key Quest. Around this time, you might also notice that when you hover your mouse over the games link, Key Quest is actually the first option in the drop down menu. Keep this in mind for next time.

Step 2: Starting Key Quest

(i) Ignore all that mumbo-jumbo about a collector’s case and a vault, and just skip down to the To Get Started part. Skip the part about the tutorial (you want to get playing!) and click the Play link. You should be brought to a new page, complete with theme music! Take a quick glance at the disclaimer of the game being in beta testing and how you should be patient with any glitches. Laugh them off; they’re not likely to happen to you!

(ii) Ignore the tutorial button in the bottom left corner. Instead, try aimlessly to click the 2 Key Games option until you realize it can’t be done. Give up and click the Newbies option instead (you probably shouldn’t be clicking Expert at this point). You will see a list of names, some smiley faces, and some keys.

(iii) Attempt to Click on one the games with all yellow smilies, repeatedly click “Join Game”, and despite not being able to join in on anything, pass it off as your first glitch. Keep clicking.

(iv) Come to the conclusion that the yellow smilies mean those spots are taken and the green ones indicate open spots. Pick out a game with at least one green smiley face and click “Join Game”. Rejoice when you are brought to a room with checkerboard floors. Ignore the tutorial button.

(v) Follow the instructions that prompt you to select your token base color. Scorn when you see everyone else has already chosen a color and you are left with your least favorite.

(vi) Watch as players come and go, come and go, come and go... until finally you get a lucky bunch that decide to stick around. Wonder why one person has a crown on their token. Also wonder why the door on the left is glowing green. While you’re at it, wonder why the screen has said “Loading” during all this time. Wait for a few minutes until you figure out that this is probably one of those glitches. Move your mouse around until you discover that the door on the right is the exit. Click it.

(vii) Repeat step 2(ii), skip step 2(iii), and repeat steps 2(iv) and 2(v). Roll the die as prompted. Watch as someone chooses the house you wanted, then choose the only one left. Hold your breath as you see you’re finally about to start the game!

Step 3: Playing Key Quest

(i) Watch the other players hop around, or stay stationary, and wonder what’s taking them so long. When it’s your turn, roll the die and choose an arrow. Watch yourself hop around. Repeat until something exciting happens.

(ii) If you receive a power-up, click Okay without reading what it does.

(iii) If you receive a key, click Okay.

(iv) When you or someone else activates a mini game, read the instructions quickly. Read the screen with suggestions of what to do while waiting for the other players, and realize you haven’t actually twiddled your thumbs in a long time. Twiddle them until the mini game starts. When it does, try to remember what the instructions said, but mostly just click around. Realize that you lost the mini game, and make an attempt to thoroughly read the instructions next time.

(v) At this point, you’ll likely notice someone has said something in the chat box. Click the space where you type, then pout as you notice you have to choose one of many pre-determined phrases. Become overwhelmed with choices, then finally select “Them’s fightin’ words” under the Warnings category, no matter what the other person said. Giggle lightly at the reactions of the other players.

(vi) Realize you have missed your turn while trying to find something weird to say. Frown in dismay, then select “What has it got in its pocketses?” under Questions.

(vii) The next time you play a mini game, read the instructions well. Play the game. You’ll likely end up doing no better than when you didn’t have a clue what you were supposed to do. Blame your poor performance on your lame internet connection and/or speed.

(viii) As you collect your fourth green key, you’ll notice the other players only have one of each. Realize that this is, in fact, the point of the game. Make a conscious effort to collect different colored keys from now on.

(ix) Pout as you accidentally click the wrong arrow direction and wind up with a fifth green key.

(x) Ponder about how a neopet the size of those in play could possibly live in the houses the size of those on the game board.

(xi) Ponder about why, now that you think about it, everyone else you’ve attempted to play with has a different neopet while you always get stuck with a red Meerca.

(xii) Watch in despair as another player makes their way to the glowing green door and the game ends. Pout that you end up in fourth place.

(xiii) Click Claim Prize frivolously in fear a glitch is occurring and you won’t get your neopoints. Grunt in anger when you don’t see an increase in neopoints as you are brought back to the main page. Refresh the page, then laugh when you notice your NP has indeed increased appropriately.

Step 4: Playing Key Quest... Again

(i) Attempt to find a button that allows you to turn off the theme music, then give up after about thirty seconds.

(ii) Notice the Quick Game option and click it. Rejoice in the quickness of this option.

(iii) Repeat steps 2(v), 3(i), and 3(vii). This time around, read what the power-ups say and attempt to use them strategically. Also attempt to collect one key of each color.

(iv) Once you collect all five keys, try to make your way to the glowing green door. Watch in dismay as, right at the beginning of your turn, the screen turns grey and says “You have been disconnected”.

(v) *Headdesk* repeatedly.

(vi) Return to the main page of Key Quest. Click the Tutorial button. Read entire thing.

Step 5: Playing Key Quest Using the Knowledge You Gained from the Tutorial

(i) Play as explained in the tutorial.