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It’s been a year or two or maybe ten— you don’t really remember as you log in and admire the vintage charm of the mostly-unchanged front page of Neopets.com. The News box flashes by with games you’ve never heard of and spiffy new NC Mall items for customizations scroll by, a feat you’ve never even attempted. What you do know, at least, is that it’s been four, five, six, or a hundred attempts of guessing at the fake birthday you cursed yourself with by using it for registration when you were eight. To your left, your pets are crying, “dying of hunger”— a phrase that terrified your younger self. How did you solve this again? Tap tap at your temple— aha! A quick visit to the Neolodge...

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