What if the White Weewoo Were a BD Challenger?

     We all know the pen is mightier than the sword, but what if that sword comes from the Hidden Tower? What then, huh? Well I'll tell you what then, but that’s later. First, I'm gonna tell you some other stuff.

     Many of the most famous Neopians, heroes and villains alike, have prowled the site for years, challenging any pet daring enough to face them in the Battledome. This provided a great outlet to get back at those characters for randomly messing with you. Mad about the Pant Devil stealing your stuff? Go fight him in the Battledome! Mad about the Tax Beast taxing your stuff? Go fight him in the Battledome! Mad about the Turmaculus eating your stuff? Go fight him in the Battledome! Mad about the Lab Ray Scientist changing your stuff? Go fight him in the Battledome! (And hope he changes it back.) Mad about the White Weewoo rejecting your totally awesome and relevant anniversary issue Neopian Times article that you worked really hard on and now you're never gonna get that avatar? (Why, Weewoo? WHYYY?!) Tough luck.

     But what if there was something you could do about it (besides writing a better article)? What if the White Weewoo stopped redlining our hopes and dreams and stepped foot in the Battledome? Would you be able to redline its HP bar?

      Location

     Most challengers are hidden around the site, waiting for worthy opponents to cross their path. Commander Garoo is holed up on the Space Station, the Ghost Lupe is lounging in his home at 131 Soup Alley, and the Snowbeast hangs out at Terror Mountain. (Trust me, he's there. Just keep refreshing.) The White Weewoo would naturally have its own hiding spot. But to find it you would need to know a bit about its origin. The White Weewoo was not originally the mascot of the Neopian Times. In fact, it didn't even exist until some NT writers organized in 2003 and began including the White Weewoo in their submissions. In October of the same year, White Weewoos were officially released to Neopia and every contributor to that week's Neopian Times issue was awarded a White Petpet Paint Brush. Revisiting that issue would reward players with the White Weewoo challenger.

     Difficulty

     Average: 150

     Strong: 500

     Mighty: 1,200

      Weapons

     Iconic challengers each have their own iconic weapons. Along with some existing weapons, I've drafted a few new ones specially for the White Weewoo to rough you up with.

     Battle Quill: Obviously. Deals 6 icons, blocks 3. It can write. It can fight. Basic dual-duty.

     Creativity: Deals 12 Air icons. Heals for 33% of missing HP. Multiple use.

     Imagination: Deals 8 Air, 6 Earth, and 1-4 Physical icons. Also blocks 5 Earth and 5 Dark icons.

     Originality: Deals 15 Physical icons and an extra 1.25-9 Physical icons. Alternative name: Sword of Lacisyhp (The BD Chat will get it.)

     Writer's Block: Blocks 100% of two random icons. Has a 10% chance of freezing your opponent and a 10% chance of freezing yourself. (And a 10% chance of freezing your account.)

     Neopian Times Coin: Heads they win, tails you lose. 50% chance of dealing 12 Air icons and a 50% chance of dealing 12 Physical icons.

     Neopian Times White Weewoo Plushie: It doesn't do anything. Just there to look cute.

     Ghostkersword: Betchya didn't see that one coming! Which one's mightier? Who cares! This Weewoo's dual-wielding and dishing out rejections! (But really, the sword deals 16-31 icons, so it's technically mightier.)

      Abilities

     These are pretty standard abilities for 1P challengers, so you can gloss over them if you're already familiar with the Battledome.

     Drizzle - Actually the tears of a rejected writer. Not my tears, just...other peoples' tears. Deals some Water icons.

     Meditate - Heals 5 HP, then heals another 5 HP the following round.

     Meh - The sound you make when you pretend you don't really care that your article was rejected even though you're actually dying inside. Reduces damage taken by 5%. (But not the damage to my heart.)

     An Icicle - Deals more Water icons.

     Shhhhhhh... - The favorite phrase of someone who's just trying to read the newest issue of the Neopian Times. Disables your opponent's ability for the round.

     Warlock's Rage - More like BD Chat's Rage, am I right? Disables your opponent's weapons and abilities for the round.

     Drain Life - Drains 11% of your opponent's current HP and heals you for the same amount. Drain is capped at 100 HP.

     How to Win

     Picking Your Weapons

     The White Weewoo's setup is rather powerful, with strong offensive weapons and multiple sources of healing. But don't let that deter you. The Weewoo's offense is heavily indexed into Air and Physical icons, leaving you with straightforward choices for your primary defensive weapons. The Altadorian Swordbreaker is among the best and cheapest ways to block 100% of Physical icons, and it would be my first pick here. The Swordbreaker also deals 5 Earth icons, which will come in handy. There's also the Winged Scarab for a cheaper alternative, although it will let through a bit of Physical damage and is lacking in offense.

     While Air defense also comes in many flavors, they're all pretty expensive. The 100% Air blockers range from tens of millions of Neopoints to hundreds of millions of Neopoints. Slightly cheaper options include the Hubrid Nox Memorial Shield (also provides some Physical defense) or the 75% Air reflector Triple Turbo Dryer. If those are still out of your price range, you can equip a few of the single-use Carafe of Corruption (which packs a decent offensive punch to go with its 100% Air defense), or go with a 50% reflector in the Double Dryer (although it does have a small chance of breaking permanently).

     You should round out your defense with a few general defensive items and abilities. The Downsize! is a cheap once-per-battle item that blocks 50% of all icons. You can also include a single-use Thick Smoke Bomb, which will block 100% of all icons. For your abilities, Lens Flare (level 50) will be a big help as it disables your opponent's weapons and abilities for the round. Additionally, the level 5 ability, Shade, will provide some extra defense against 3 random icons, and Positive Thinking (level 10) can be used to mitigate some of the early damage. It heals for 5% of your current health, so be sure to use it on the very first round for maximum effect. For higher level pets who want to attempt the Medium or Hard difficulties, take Burrow or Float (level 100) for another layer of defense, Warlock's Rage (level 200) for a second round of disabling the Weewoo's weapons, Rejuvenate (level 300) to get a free full heal, Reflect (level 400) to throw 66% of the Weewoo's damage back in its face, and finally Summon Monoceraptor at level 500 to block 99% of all icons (can only be used once per day, so make it count).

     Picking out your 2-3 offensive weapons is a lot more open-ended for two reasons: first, the Weewoo has very narrow defense. Just avoid Earth and Dark icons and you'll be fine. (Ok, it's not entirely trivial. Earth and Dark are really common icons at all levels of weaponry.) Second, the ability to block two random icons means you can either spread out your icons so you only lose a bit of damage each time, or you can stack 1-2 icons and just occasionally deal no damage at all.

     If you want to spread out your icons, the cheaper options include Solar Burrito, Bow of the Fire Faerie, and Rusty Pitchfork (I know the Pitchfork has some Earth icons, but it also has Physical defense). Those weapons deal 11 icons each, but augment them with your 6-icon Icicle ability and you should have enough damage. Mid-level options (13-15 icons) include Dr. Sloths Personal Bath Buddy, Altador Cup Throwing Star, and Wand of Reality. The final upgrade on this side would be the Fan of Swords. Yes, it has some Earth and Dark icons, but take those away and you're still left with 14 offensive icons and 5 Physical defense. Stack two of these and you'll have a solid (albeit expensive) counter to the Weewoo's set.

     If you would rather put all your chickens in one basket, your hits will be stronger, but you do run the risk of the Weewoo occasionally bringing your damage all the way down to zero. If you do decide to go this route, I strongly suggest picking Water and/or Light as your main icons. This will allow you to stack your weapons with the Icicle and Static Cling abilities. The starter option for Water is the Water Powered Pistol, and for Light there’s the Yooyu Knuckle Duster. You can upgrade the Pistol to a Kelpbeards Trident or Sword of Tawre, and the Knuckle Duster can be upgraded to the Sword of Thigl or the Sword of White Lies.

     Complete your set with a freezer, the best healer you can afford, and a Ghostkerbomb (if your budget allows) to take full advantage of your freeze round.

     The Battle

     Once you’ve got your weapons and abilities picked out get ready to dot your tees and cross your eyes, because this Weewoo won’t wane easily. You need to be dealing damage as quickly as possible to avoid the Weewoo healing back up, but you can’t leave yourself completely defenseless because one good hit from the Weewoo could cost you the fight. For the lowest difficulty, I would recommend training to at least 55 HP and Strength (and defense if you plan on using a Hubrid Nox Memorial Shield), and knowing your own max damage. (Go fight a few rounds against Punchbag Bob using your strongest weapons and make a note of your damage.)

     Early in the fight, you should prioritize damage over defense. Abilities like Meditate and Shade should be enough to keep you alive, freeing up your weapon slots for your heavy-hitters. Be sure to save your freezer and Lens Flare for later. If you want to get really aggressive, figure out the Weewoo’s max damage and go full-out offensive whenever your HP is above that threshold.

     After the first few rounds, or whenever your HP starts to drop, switch one of your offensive weapons for a shield and start using Static Cling or Icicle to augment your damage. If you’re using dual-duties (like the Altadorian Swordbreaker or Double/Triple Dryer) you can even switch to two defensive weapons if needed. As always, heal when your HP gets dangerously low. Your goal for this part of the fight is to get the Weewoo’s HP low enough for you to win with a freeze round. This is where knowing your max damage comes into play.

     When the Weewoo’s HP gets low enough, you’ll want to use your freezer, your strongest weapon, and your Lens Flare ability. This will prevent the Weewoo from getting in a sneaky heal and ruining your final round. Using Lens Flare also means you don’t have to worry about taking damage or having your own damage blocked, so you can get a free hit in to ensure that you finish off the Weewoo on the following freeze round.

     So now you’ve beaten the White Weewoo and assuaged your bloodlust. What loot did you get? Well, probably not a fancy avatar or a limited edition item. Unfortunately, as with most things in life, violence isn’t going to solve your problems. Even if the White Weewoo were a real challenger, it might feel cathartic to go beat it up now and then, but if you really want one of those Neopian Times avatars, you’re going to have to put down the swords and pick up a pen. Er, a keyboard. But I gotta tie it all back into that opening bit and nobody says “the keyboard is mightier than the sword” even though that would be a much more modern and accurate thing to say.