Guide to Professional Poking

I am referring to, of course, the Neopian Olympic Poking Events, which takes place around Neopia every four years. This year, Y8, the NOPEs were held in the Haunted Woods. The winner? None other than Mary Torrant, a young Usul, and a master of poking.

I am here today to tell you all about the Neopian Olympic Poking Events, how to poke and how to become a champion, so that you may participate in the NOPEs in Y12, which are going to take place in Shenkuu. It will take great skill, determination, and you will have to miss several meals, but hopefully, when you finish reading this article, you will be a poking champion.

Let's begin.

The NOPEs first took place in Y4. That year, it was held in Neopia Central. The winner was Jomie Keruschffat, a Lupe resident of the Haunted Woods with an extreme temper problem. He was almost disqualified for shouting at the referee during one of the events but they let him off. His winning score in the final event was poking the Shoyru a whopping 633,009 times in ten minutes. Witnesses claim that his arm 'was a blur. I couldn't see anything but a yellow cloud where his arm should be, it was moving so fast!'

The runner up that year was Liola Simpson, a Faerielandese JubJub. She had poked the Shoyru in the final even 633, 049 times, which was more than Kerushcffat, but she had obtained a warning by poking the referee in the second event instead of the target, deducting 50 pokes from her final score. In third place was James Rye, another Neopet from Faerieland, a Grarrl. His score was 630,313 pokes, giving him the bronze medal.

There are three events in the Neopian Olympic Poking Events. The first is where one must poke an angry zomutt which runs around and will bite the Poker if they are not careful. Many have failed at this first hurdle as the zomutt ran too fast for them to poke. The second is where one must poke a Skeith or Grarrl hard enough for them to feel it. The score one must get to pass this event is 20 or more pokes, as it is very hard to achieve. The final, third event is the poking of the Shoyru, which can fly around. It's a difficult event, but if you manage to do it, you are very likely to be in the top five.

Now let's talk about the actual poking. First of all, I'll just give you several terms you can use. 'Poke', of course, is the most common. You often see this around the Neoboards, where newbies and people training for the NOPEs often practise. 'Prod' is also often commonly used. 'Jab' is the third term, which you hardly see, as the term 'poke' is much more effective and to-the-point.

Now. How to poke. Please make sure there are no other distractions in the room before you start this process. Perhaps get a drink of water or dung-flavoured tea to drink before you begin, as this is a very strenuous activity and may result in fits of frustration or nerves.

When you are ready to begin, hold out your right hand (or, if you are left-handed, hold out your left). Make sure you feel comfortable. Curl your fingers up into a fist, so that you are doing a thumbs-up sign. Now bend your thumb to rest gently on your index finger.

This is a tricky bit. Uncurl your index finger and move your thumb so that it is now resting on your middle finger. Point your finger away from you to prevent serious injuries and/or poking yourself in the eye. Congratulations! You have completed step 1 of your poking lesson.

Step 2 is slightly more difficult. You will now have to find a target/victim upon which to practise. Your petpet is good to use, unless it has sharp teeth, as is your pillow, your friends, your family, and yes, even your bedroom walls. Move your arm so that your index finger is moving forward. Do not stop when the finger makes contact with your selected target - keep moving so that your finger makes a dent in whatever you are poking. Now withdraw your finger again and - voila! You have successfully poked for the first time! Give yourself a pat on the back and a cookie.

It is important to take a break between poking, as you can easily overpoke and give yourself an ulcer. Drink lots of water and eat lots of protein and carbohydrates to give you enough energy. Minimize the amount of junk food you eat.

I have been requested on numerous occasions to state what exercises would be useful to build up your poking-finger muscles and make you a champion, so here they are.

1. The Curl - this is a very easy exercise that you can do while reading or pretending to do your homework. Simply curl and uncurl your fingers several times to relax the muscles.

2. The Piston - start with your elbow tucked next to your body and lower arm straight out. Move your arm so that it is level with your shoulders and completely straight. Now move your arm back to the first position. And back to the second. And the first. And the second. Over and over again. This releases tension in your shoulder muscles and makes you accustomed to using the correct techniques while poking.

3. The Brick - position your finger for poking and get something small and hard (like a brick). Simply practise poking it for hours on end so that you are used to poking hard objects - remember, in the NOPEs, you often have to poke Skeiths and other Neopets with hard or scaly skin.

And there you have it! Keep up with the exercises and practise every day. Take up poking as a hobby. Show your family and friends. Astound and amaze your teachers. Be a champion! Please feel free to neomail me if you have any questions or comments about poking. Good luck!

Please feel free to neomail me with comments and suggestions - I'm happy to get neomails!