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51 Things You Should Know When Playing NeoQuest II

by extreme_fj0rd


NEOQUEST - Here once again is the incandescently beautiful (someone in the audience snorts, then falls over laughing)... AHEM! ...The incandescently beautiful extreme_fj0rd. She’s back... with NeoQuest II!

So here we are again... with a list of 51 things you should know when you play NeoQuest II; this includes info on its characters, and its villains. Oh, and by the way, these are not in order :)

51. Mipsy wears invisible shoes.

50. Talinia, Mipsy and Rohane have odd dreams about a spaceship. The voices in their heads tell them it’s real life, but they know better than to listen to them ;)

49. Tuskaninnies bite you.

48. Sometimes they miss. It’s kind of hard to imagine, but I guess it’s possible. *imagines a Tuskaninny trying to bite someone and missing* *falls over laughing*

47. Mipsy zaps her victims. With the Lab Ray?

46. Sometimes she casts spells.

45. Sometimes they don’t work.

44. Rohane slashes people with his sword.

43. Talinia pierces people with her arrows. In the earlobe? Lip? Tongue? We probably don’t want to know...

42. Sometimes she fires a spray of arrows. I wonder what the spray of arrows did to get fired... and where they can get another job... perhaps at Ultimate Bullseye, even though it is a long way from Terror Mountain to Meridell.

41. It is very hard to get out of the village of Happy Valley.

40. A glottal stop is hard to describe.

39. Cragstone Tuskaninnies are impossibly annoying. Look, there are three! Now there are two and a mountain Lupe... oh, darn, they’re attacking us.

38. Healing potions are very handy things to own.

37. The Chias of Chia Oscuro are really Blumaroo-and Acara-eating monsters. The Wordstone translates improperly, which is why the Leximp stole it in the first place.

36. The Leximp is not evil. C’mon, guys, he’s cute! Plus he wears glasses, and no bad guy in the history of Neopia wears glasses.

35. Poor little ghosts... poor Miner Foreman... wah.

34. Zombom was tricked into being evil. Elephantes are WAY too cutesy to be evil.

33. Zombom’s master was the real evil wizard.

32. But they don’t tell you that so you beat poor little Zombom.

31. Caves are universally Damp and Smelly, even though there’s only one that is officially.

30. The ‘adventurer’s encampment’ is really an outpost of the monsters. So that’s how all those amber dervishes and crevice Korbats and other random evil things knew you were coming...

29. Why are they called the Lost Caves if they’re right there in front of you?

28. Come to think of it, why are the caves all named things like ‘Dark Caves’ or ‘Caves of Terror’? Just for once I’d like to see the ‘Happy Fun Icy Non-horrific Absolutely-no-monsters Cave’. Just once. JUST ONCE, YOU HEAR ME? JUST ONCE! –cough- Sure, Fj0rd’s sane. However did you get the idea that she wasn’t?

27. There are infinite varieties of the creatures that attack you in the first level of the Lost Caves. There could be an amber dervish and two crevice Korbats... or TWO amber dervishes and ONE crevice Korbat... or... well, that’s it really.

26. Amber dervishes try to slash you. No wonder they miss a lot; it’s really hard to slash people with three-fingered paws and no sword.

25. Mipsy’s attacks are probably the most effective.. and she isn’t even the one with the sword! No, all that SHE gets is a cardboard wand... or maybe a plywood one...

24. Shockwave is no longer only an Internet plugin. Now it’s one of Talinia’s abilities, too!

23. When you are given the password to get into the desert city of Phorofor by the hermit, you don’t even have to copy-paste it to remember it, or memorize it, or anything. All you have to do is go to the hermit, go to the city, and click on the link that says “The password is ____” (how stupid do you think I am, that I would put it in an NT article? You’d probably just copy-paste it and... er... well... whatever.)

22. Although the Lost Caves are called caves, the name doesn’t make much sense, as soon it becomes more of a tower-type thing... not a cave...

21. The Normal mode is not, repeat not, like Sneaking in NeoQuest. Believe me. I tried.

20. There is no such thing as Sneaking in NeoQuest II. What’s that supposed to mean, we don’t get to sneak around like secret agents and hum theme songs? Aw, man... and I had my trench coat and dark glasses all ready, too!

19. Cave scorpions have little footprints in green on their shells. Who in Neopia would be brave enough to put green paint on their feet and then dance on a cave scorpion’s shell?

18. Who in Neopia has feet like that anyway?

17. Why aren’t cave scorpions available for adoption like Rukis and Yurbles? I want one, I want one! I shall call it, er, hard-shell, and it shall be mine, for it is my hard-shell. ;)

16. All of the monsters are impossibly stupid. They try to hit Rohane or Talinia instead of Mipsy, when obviously Mipsy would be easier to defeat.

15. Wait a sec, is that a good thing or a bad thing?

14. Now I’ve gone and given them ideas...

13. Hey, you! Monster! Yeah, you. Give back my magic-user! No! Noooo... MIPSY!!!!

12. For some reason, you can walk through tables. Look, Ma, I’m insubstantial!

11. For some equally mysterious reason, you can walk through trees, but not trees in a village.

10. Wizard’s robes come equipped with hoods.

9. For some reason that is just as mysterious as those in 40 and 41, Rohane doesn’t freeze on Terror Mountain regardless of the fact that pretty much all he’s wearing is armour...

8. Same as above, only with Talinia and an archer’s tunic.

6. Same as the two above, only with Mipsy and her robes. I mean, really—those robes are made of pretty flimsy cloth.

5. Bosses are almost always a let-down. They die much more easily than their servitors.

4. Hm... why not get their servitors to rebel? Then the servitors take care of the boss, you get the profit, and everyone goes on their merry way.

3. Are there labor laws or minimum wage laws for undead skeletons, cave scorpions, or amber dervishes?

2. If there aren’t, make some up.

1. You get the most experience points from the easiest fights. From the ones that are hard, all you get are a few.

And the number one...er... zero thing you should know when playing NeoQuest II is:

Rohane refers to himself in the plural, saying such things as “We are victorious!” when he is alone.

Some theories:

  • Rohane is schizophrenic.

  • Rohane believes that he is an emperor, therefore he refers to himself with the imperial ‘we’.

  • Rohane is a schizophrenic who thinks he’s an emperor.

  • Rohane has strange dreams about someone who controls his life fate with a click of a mouse. He tries to placate this great being by including it in his victory speech.

  • He has delusions of grandeur.

  • He has a petpet which follows him, just off the edge of the screen—always four squares ahead, three squares behind, four squares below him, or five squares above him.

  • This petpet does not help in his battles.

  • He speaks to the creature he just defeated, even though the defeated creature was not victorious and therefore telling it that they are victorious is a complete and total lie.

  • Ro-hane’s a li-ar! Ro-hane’s a li-ar! ^^

So, there you have it. Fifty-one things you should know when playing NeoQuest II.

Disclaimer: If you already knew most of these things, please do not sue. I am too busy playing NeoQuest to come to court. Thank you!

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