Where there's a Weewoo, there's a way Circulation: 90,555,864 Issue: 166 | 12th day of Storing, Y6
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Wrawk the Merciless: Part One

by simsman24000


"You need to shave."

     "I do not!"

     "Do too!"

     "Do not!"

     "Why in the heck do you want to keep that thing on your face anyways?" Keego stood there, arms on her hip-like structures that Kikos are known for, staring at a green Kiko with a metal plate on his head and a long, scraggly green beard that was darker than his bright skin.

     "If you're talking about Oswald," Wrawk said, closing his eyes as he scratched his beard, "I'd prefer that you address him appropriately."

     Keego stared disbelievingly at her boss. "You named it?"

     "Him," Wrawk corrected his assistant, "I named him."

     "IT'S A BEARD!" screeched Keego, throwing up her arms in argument. "IT'S GOT AS MUCH GENDER AS DIRT!"

     Wrawk gasped. "Don't you dare bring Muddy into this!"

     "Oh, this is ridiculous," said Keego, storming off out of the window-filled room where the smart Kiko-oh, and Wrawk-stood debating strands of hair.

     "Fine!" shouted Wrawk, scrunching up his face. "Now I can actually get back to plotting my evil schemes!"

     Wrawk about-faced from the door and stood in the middle of his lab. He wore a gold metal plate on his head that he called his 'Thinking Cap' and a silky purple cape that draped onto the floor-both in an attempt to look more evil. His dark green mustache and green beard-like object grew out of his leathery green skin, and as he faced a beige wall covered entirely in blueprints, his white gloved hand scratched his chin again.

     "Now..." said Wrawk in deep thought, thinking, while thinking aloud to himself. "If my knowledge serves me correctly, Lennies are still the most popular Neopets, making Neopoints is out of style, and best of all, Neopets still hate polyester. Yes, this plan will be my greatest work ever!"

     Cackling like Edna, Wrawk moseyed on over to a box marked "Polly & Esther." With a big black crowbar, he wrenched it open and gazed down at what would help him take over Neopia: bright blue polyester.

     "Victory will be mine!" he shouted gleefully, closing his eyes in happiness.

     "Bad plan," came a voice from behind.

     "Oh, what now, Keego?" asked Wrawk irritated, whirling around to see the Pink Kiko leaning against the door. She wore a black leather suit with pink stripes on it, and her hands had a pink glow around them. If pink was the Neopian Word of the Day, she'd go crazy.

     "What is it with you and bad plans?"

     "Funny," scoffed Wrawk. "How do you know this is a bad plan?"

     "I'm not quite sure," Keego said as she feigned puzzlement. "Maybe because it's yours?"

     "Ah, my dear Keego," sighed Wrawk, looking at her with sorrowful eyes. "You sweet, sweet woman-you'll understand it when you're older."

     "What are you talking about!?" she exclaimed. "I'm older than you!"

     "Ha ha!" laughed Wrawk, "I knew it!"

     Keego just looked at him. "Do you even hear yourself?"

     "Enough with this nonsense!" shouted Wrawk. "It's time to unveil my plan!"

     "You already did," Keego said, raising an eyebrow.

     "N...no, I didn't," Wrawk said, eyes darting around the laboratory for some reassurance from one of the many metal contraptions that made their home there.

     "Yes, you did," sighed Keego, walking over to him. "You don't remember?"

     "Of course I remember!" laughed Wrawk suddenly. "I was just testing you! But clearly, a plan this great must be reunveiled!"

     "I---you---reunveiled?---I don't---" Keego was at a loss for words. "Oh, I give up. Oh, mighty and wonderful Wrawk, what is this plan you have devised to wreak havoc upon Neopia?"

     "Two words," laughed the Kiko. "Polyester!" Wrawk walked over to a large screen that lay against another wall in his laboratory. "Ahem," he coughed. "Slide, please."

     Immediately, a tiny black Spyder scuttled out of a dark corner between two tall file cabinet/world domination devices and towards a black box that stood on the other end of the room. Wrawk and Keego looked on as the Spyder crawled quickly up the wall, leaped onto the black box, pulled one switch that turned off the lights, and then another that suddenly projected a beam of colorful light towards the wall.

     "Thank you, Lip-Balm," Wrawk said, bowing towards the Spyder.

     "Now," he began, pointing towards the screen. On it was a picture of the Haunted Woods Plushie Factory, or HWPF for those that want to call it that for some reason.

     "This is the Haunted Woods Plushie Factory, or HWPF for those that want to call it that for some reason. It's where all the plushie factories across Neopia get their NeoFoam to make their plushies. If I steal the world's supply of NeoFoam and replace it with the ever itchy polyester, they'll have to worship me to get it back!"

     Wrawk signaled to Lip-Balm to shut off the slide projector, and happily awaited Keego's non-existent response. "Well? What do you think?"

     "First off," began Keego, "Normal Neopets show a slide show that usually has more than one slide in it. But no, you're not a normal Neopet, are you? Instead you're one that plans to dominate Neopia with fabric! But that's not enough, is it? IS IT? No, you've just got to name every inanimate object around you with an incredibly stupid name, like Ultrasonic the toilet and Volleyball the beach ball! YOU'RE A BUFFOON!!!!!"

     Wrawk stared at Keego with curious eyes. "Yes, but what do you think about the plan?"

     "Just---just---take me with you, whatever," Keego muttered. "I'm taking a vow of silence."

     "That's wonderful! I love Kaus," Wrawk said happily. "But in that case, let me debut the debut of my newest debut into Neopia!" Wrawk walked over to an object ten times his size covered with purple cloth. "Introducing, the F.L.O.T.S.A.M.!" He whipped off the cloth and displayed his greatest invention yet.

     It was the front of a huge red Flotsam head, complete with horn and shiny skin. The back of the head was hollowed out for passengers and storage, and controls filled its inside. Enormous motorized flippers jutted out from the passenger side of the vehicle.

     "Like it?" asked Wrawk, noticing Keego's awestruck expression. "I had it imported from the Space Station at half price."

     "I thought you said you invented it," said Keego, the expression vanishing from her pink face.

     "Invented, imported, tomato, potato-it's all the same." Wrawk was clearly happy with it, and his assistant seemed quite pleased also.

     "What does it stand for?" asked Keego, touching the shiny outer shell.

     "F.L.O.T.S.A.M.," Wrawk said, grabbing a piece of paper from a nearby file cabinet/world domination device. "Flying Lightweight Overweight Travel Shuttle And Massager"

     "A massager?" asked Keego.

     "Sometimes being evil can be stressful," replied Wrawk. "Now, on to the Haunted Woods to begin Operation: Steal-NeoFoam-And-Replace-It-With-Polyester!" Keego stared at Wrawk with slanted eyes. "Fine, Operation: Foam. Let's just go."


     "I can't find a parking space!"

     "It's the Haunted Woods! There are no parking spaces! Just pull in between those two trees."

     "Those two trees-yeah, that helps."

     "Just LAND!"

     "Keego!" said Wrawk, putting the F.L.O.T.S.A.M. on hold. "Who's the evil genius here?"

     "Not you," she muttered under her breath. "Look, just pull into that clearing between the pumpkin patch and that castle run by the Kacheek."

     "That Usul's been in there for ages, eh?"

     "Just pull in."


     The F.L.O.T.S.A.M. landed gracefully on a patch of brown dirt surrounded by hundreds of spooky looking trees. A short distance away was the Haunted Woods Plushie Factory, or HWPF for those that want to call it that for some reason. As the F.L.O.T.S.A.M. ceased its hissing, Wrawk and Keego carefully got out of the vehicle.

     "I don't like this place," whispered Wrawk, looking around at the trees that seemed to stare back at him.

     "Why?" asked Keego, putting a "Please Don't Steal" sign in front of the F.L.O.T.S.A.M.. "It's too creepy? Kooky? All together ooky?"

     "No," said Wrawk, gazing at the trees again. "It's chilly." Wrawk hopped back inside the F.L.O.T.S.A.M. and re-emerged with a thick parka that looked as if Edna the Witch had vomited on it.

     "Well, there's the plushie factory," Keego said, pointing to a tall silver building that she spotted between two trees. "Let's get going."

     "Good idea!" Wrawk leaned yet again into the F.L.O.T.S.A.M. And grabbed a small Bubble Blaster.

     "What is that?"

     "My Bubble Blaster!" Wrawk said proudly. "Don't you like it? I named it Going."

     "You-" Keego stared. "Fine, whatever."

     Now, normally, this would be the part of the story where the author (that is, me) describes the long, boring walk that Wrawk and Keego took. So, for the sake of using up those ninety-nine more words that require me to fully meet the requirements that call for this story's publishing, I will now list the adjectives that describe the two Kikos' trek across the Haunted Woods: excruciating, boring, hard on their feet, dull, deadly, tiring, eighteen words left, now fifteen, thirteen left, eleven more words describing their walk, five more words, two more... done.

To be continued...

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