A Not-So-Helpful Guide to Gormball
Some deserted field in the middle of nowhere - Hello, everyone! What a
beautiful day we're having for the Annual Gormball Championship Game! It's such
a - hello? *looks around*
Oh great. This isn't the Annual Gormball Championship Game, is it? *sigh* Not
again. This is the third time this week.
So here I am... standing in the middle of an empty field... making a complete
fool of myself with nothing to write about. I mean, that Gormball tournament
was the only thing I had in mind. Wait a sec - I can still write about Gormball!
Yes, it's all coming to me now... I can write another completely pointless
and random article about a game based around sheer luck! Muahahaha, fear me.
So, let's get this article thingy started! Now I'm sure you have all heard
of Gormball. If you haven't, I suggest you go to this big, fun, and seemingly
magical place most people call "The Game Room".
Gormball is an old Neopian game which I believe used to be very popular. But
I suppose the gamers have moved on to more "actiony" games like Frumball and
Zurroball. But I don't see a single thing wrong with Gormball! I mean, it's
got a ball that explodes! Any game that involves exploding, destroying, or whacking
things is automatically fun to me.
But before you run out to try and see where on Neopia you can buy a Gormball,
I still have to bombard you with some advice, tips, and other guide junk! Yeah,
I'm so kind, aren't I?
Okay, most games need some sort of equipment. So here's the horribly long list
of equipment you will need to be able to even play this incredible sport.
A large, white ball that explodes in a matter of seconds, drenching the holder
in some sort of watery substance.
... Um, okay, so maybe the list wasn't very long after all. So forget the equipment
and let’s move on!
This section - which I hope will be longer than the last - is all about the
actual Champions of Gormball. The ones who have or will be playing in that Championship
tournament that I was supposed to actually be writing about. These champions
have been practicing and training for years! Or they’re just naturally good
at playing. It doesn’t really matter, as long as they can beat you a hundred
times in a row at this marvelous game! So here’s a list that’s longer than the
equipment one that is dedicated to those “professional” Gormball players!
Thyassa the Chia: AWWWWW! It’s a cute little Chia! They think he can
play really well because he’s got this whole “champion” thing going on, but
I know better! I bet he gets all this attention because he’s so cute and cuddly!
Everybody go really easy on him. I bet he’s always the first one out.
Brian the Scorchio: It’s been said that he loves to cheat. And that
he’s been kicked out of a tournament for using a rigged ball. Know what I have
to say ‘bout that? If he’s so obsessed with cheating, why doesn’t he go and
play that card game based around it? Sheesh, he’s playing the wrong game...
Gargarox Isafuhlarg: He makes odd, disgusting food, AND plays Gormball!
So, if you’re really hungry, and REALLY desperate, he’s the guy you’re looking
for! But the thing I’ve always wondered is this: How does he hold a fork, spoon,
and Gormball all at the same time? The world may never know...
Farvin III, Alien Aisha: He’s an alien Aisha. A really old alien Aisha.
That means his goal in life is to play Gormball all day and give food poisoning
to all the citizens of Neopia! Yay, food poisoning!
Ember the Fire Faerie: A really weird faerie bent on becoming the
Gormball Champion. All the faeries, neopets, and I laugh at her silly attempts.
She thinks magic and giving out quests are boring! Ha! But she’s completely
focused on winning the championship. Nothing can distract her! Unless she set’s
the arena on fire again...
Zargrold the COOL Grundo: It might just be me, but with those glasses
on, I think he looks like some really strange giant fly. Yup, that’s really
attractive. Oh, and when someone says he’s cool, he demands that it’s in capital
letters like it is above. He says Gormball is all easy and nothing really important
to him, and yet he’s still managed to make it to the finals. I think he’s in
it for those cheap, “magical” items...
Ursula the Usul: She claims to have been training for six years on
some “Mount Usalin” that I’ve never even heard of before. And she’s always bragging
about how it runs through her veins and that she will be the ultimate champion.
Yup, she is one crazed and obsessed little weirdo. ... Just like me! =D
Kevin the Korbat: Kevin has been stepping in for Dr. Sloth, making
it seem like this is a one time thing. He’s now been substituting for at least
a few years. Yup, Sloth will finally play this game anytime now... eventually...
within the next millennium...
So those are what I call the “professional Gormball players”. Where they get
the professional part, I have no idea. Don’t look at me, I just write the article.
Finally, we move on to the next part.
Playing the Game
I bet after hearing all about the champions, you’re dying to play the game!
If not, too bad.
So, let’s say the game starts and someone throws the Gormball to you. Well,
what are you waiting for? Throw it to someone else! Wait – no. Keep holding
it. This’ll be funny.
Okay, if you actually have enough common sense to know that you should throw
the ball to someone else before the ball explodes, then you won’t be out. If
you actually did hold on to the ball long enough for it to explode, than you’ll
be laughed and ridiculed by every living creature surrounding you. Oh, and you’ll
probably have rabid petpets thrown at you as well. Sounds fun, huh?
Now, I bet you’re wondering who to throw it to. My answer: It doesn’t matter!
It can be a player standing next to you, it can be that poor little Puppyblew
sitting a couple yards away, or it could even be that angry looking fire faerie
floating by! Though if you throw it to that last one, I will not be held responsible
for any incidents involving fire and horrible lifelong curses that happen to
So, let’s say you throw it to a player. Good thinking! I bet they were SO not
expecting that because throwing it to someone who’s not even playing would make
a lot more sense! And if it explodes on them, you get to be the one doing the
laughing, ridiculing, and rabid petpet throwing!
Now all I have to say for this section is to just keep repeating what I’ve
told you to do. Keep throwing it to other players and make sure the ball explodes
on them. Tempting as it is, when they throw the ball back to you, please don’t
let out a high pitch squeal and drop the ball. It counts as disqualification
and there is plenty of time for that after the game. When everyone else is out,
um, you win! Good for you. And guess what you’ll get as a prize for all you’re
hard work? Some cheap item and perhaps a couple hundred neopoints. Lucky you!
And... well... that’s it! ^^ I’ve summed up all I know about this fun little
game. And now, take this Gormball and go out and play it yourself! *Gormball
explodes* Okay, you’ll have to go find a Gormball on your own. Have fun!
Ugh, this stuff is water... right? ... Right?