Everyone, once again I've made an incredible discovery.
After talking to the Trading
Post bugs and finding out that Dr. Sloth is STILL attempting to
subvert Neopia to his evil will I decided to hop a shuttle up to VirtuPets
Space Station and do some nosing around. Once I got there, I went away
from the main lobby area, into the "staff only" part of VirtuPets space
station. This wasn't hard to do…there was a VirtuPets Military Surplus
shop in the marketplace that had uniforms. The first thing that caught
my eye was a plain, unmarked door hidden behind a pile of boxes. The reason
this caught my eye is because the boxes were the only group of "garbage"
left out in the otherwise immaculate station.
I moved aside the boxes, and jimmied the lock on the
door. Apparently this had been around since the beginning of the Station…it
lacked the retinal ID scanners, fingerprint scanners or voice-recognition
systems that seemed par for the VirtuPets course. Some fiddling of my
discount card in the crack of the door and, viola!
The room itself was dark and dust-filled. After a little
quiet coughing, I found a light switch. What I saw was a small, cozy study
filled with bookshelves, a mahogany desk and a computer. I immediately
began rifling through the drawers, looking for tax reports, credit card
receipts, film, anything and everything that could shed some light on
Dr. Sloth's insidious nature. Well, besides some receipts for a suite
at the AstroVilla
and a takeout menu for Grundo's, I found a small pile of diskettes.
Suddenly, in the distance I heard an alarm go off. The
ambient lighting changed to rotating, flashing lights that let me know
that either a) VirtuPets was opening a nightclub or b) someone (most likely
me) was in a LOT of trouble. So I did what any red-blooded journalist
would do…I grabbed the disks and ran for my life!
Well, back home on Mystery Island I set to work decoding
the heavily encrypted disks. After about a week I realized that this was
no encryption process I had ever seen…that, in fact, the entire thing
was written in Pig Latin. Fortunately for the safety of the Free World,
I am fluent in Pig Latin, as well as goat and cow Latin. Anyway, it was
an easy few week's work to translate the contents of the disks.
What I found amazed me. Dr. Sloth was, apparently, so
sure of his victory over the denizens of Neopia that he was starting on
a handbook outlining his methods for success, in order to fuel the desires
of a whole new generation of evil overlords and overladies. So I now present
to you "Evil Overlording For Dummies", Dr. Frank Sloth's secret manuscripts….
Personal Disclaimer: I don't recommend Evil Overlording
as a hobby, profession or team sport, nor do I approve of puppy kicking,
pushing old Lennys down stairs, or any of the other evil overlording techniques
listed within…except maybe wearing leather.
So you want to rule a world of your own, eh? Well, who
can blame you? Ever since I was a little intern I, Doctor Frank Sloth,
Ruler of Virtopia (formerly Neopia) and Potentate most Exponential, have
wanted to dominate and force my evil will upon others. I remember it like
it was only yesterday…
I was in my crib, playing with my first prototype Transmogrification
ray. My mother looked down at me with pride in her eyes. My father, unfortunately,
was in jail for public displays of depraved indifference. "Frankie," mom
said to me, "you make me so happy. You're going to be a great man someday…you'll
fulfill your father's dream and rule a world. Maybe not this one…maybe
not even a world dominated by humanoids…maybe not even a world with intelligent
At this point I decided to test out the ray. Fortunately
for my mother, it failed, and instead of turning into my very first grotesque
monstrous slave all my Mom turned was a little charred 'round the edges.
Still, it taught her a lesson, and she never went displayed her stupidity
to me like that again. But I'll go more into conditioning your family
in Chapter Two: World Domination Begins At Home.
For now, just let me say this. Conquering a world may
not be for everyone, and even the best of you will NEVER be as brilliantly
successful as I am. However if you follow my instructions you too can
find yourself the unquestioned master of all you survey!
Disclaimer: Dr. Frank Sloth takes no responsibility
for the actions of anyone who reads this document. Any conquest, coup
or governmental upsets it causes are the sole responsibility of the perpetrator.
Any general life-altering mess-ups that occur to the perpetrator are ALSO
the sole responsibility of said perpetrator.
Stay tuned for Part Two: Preparing For Badness...