Battle of the Kings: Skarl vs. Coltzan
Neopia. It's a place. Sometimes it's cheerful, sometimes it's gloomy. Sometimes
it's crowded, sometimes it's roomy. Sometimes it rhymes, sometimes it... doesn't.
Sometimes it's a free-for-all, and sometimes it's a monarchy. Neopia is, well,
lots of things.
Neopia is a wonderful place divided into several different continents, if you
will. There's Faerieland, the home of pompous little winged-creatures, Mystery
Island, the cannibalistic paradise, and Tyrannia, the only place more primitive
than the Neopets headquarters. Oh, and there's also the Haunted Woods, Terror
Mountain, Krawk Island, and Virtupets Space Station, but nobody cares about
those. No, what we care about (well, for this article at least) are two little
places that I (and everyone else) like to call Meridell and the Lost Desert.
But some people like to call it “Muffin” and “Cheesecake.” We call those people
Sure, you might be thinking, "But mister! These places have nothing in common!"
Or you might be thinking "Gee, I could really go for a cheese sandwich right
now." But if you're thinking of the first option, you're absolutely, 100%, positively
WRONG. Meridell and the Lost Desert have plenty in common... I
For one thing, they, um... both have... um... a river. And some shops. Oh!
And they both have card games! ...Okay, fine, Meridell and the Lost Desert have
almost nothing in common. But the key word here is almost, for they do,
in fact, have something in common.
Both Meridell and the Lost Desert are monarchies. No, they're not butterflies--they're
kingdoms run by royalty. Meridell's got the delightfully obese King Skarl, and
the Lost Desert is home to the delightfully dead King Coltzan III. But, like
all kingdoms, there's always a contest going on about which king is the best,
which king is the bravest, which king has the best taste in food--the competition
never ends. Neopians everyone have grown tired of the competition by now, but
it still goes on, which brings me to the main point of this article (if there
Who, in fact, IS the best, bravest, and has the best taste in food? Who, I
ask you, WHO? Aw, thanks, but no, I'm not a king. What I plan to do in this
article is inform all of Neopia, once and for all, that the best king ever is....
well, you'll just have to read on, won't you?
First things first. Well, second things second. Who are the kings? I think
now would be an excellent time to explore the backgrounds of each individual
king, and who better to begin with than Neopia's favorite fatty (no, not Chuffer
King Peter Ferdinand Lucius Rupert Albert Lennie George Sally Skarlkoff XI
was born, um... a long time ago. He came from a long line of palace-bound Skarlkoffs,
tracing all the way back to favourite court jester Skarvin Skarmison Skirmish
Skarmuel Skarlkoff. It is with Peter that the Skarlkoff legacy ends, due to
a limit on username characters. And so, the legacy of Peter Ferdinand Lucius
Rupert Albert Lennie George Sally Skarl the First begins with... well, him.
King Skarl enjoys ruling, court dancing, and shopping for cute little hats.
In his spare time (yes, cute little hat shopping is royal business), he can
be seen eating, picking berries, and breeding Meowclopseseses...es. He is a
Gemineo, the twin Myncis, and is infamous for his humongous appetite. Wow. What
King Coltzan III
King Christoff Christopher Christian Christmas Coltzan (aren't I funny?) III
was the only known king of the Lost Desert, seeing how it was kind of lost for
hundreds of years. His daughter, Princess Vyassa, were his two prides in life,
aside from his comfy sand throne.
Keyword in both those sentences: was. Coltzan was murdered by Princess Sankara,
who is currently incarcerated until Year 8,427. She ain’t gettin’ out soon.
Coltzan’s murder was greatly publicized by the media, which rhymes with ‘encyclopedia’.
It’s too bad, though, that he was murdered—a sitcom would have been a hit.
Anywho, now that you’re somewhat familiar with the two kings, it’s time for
them to battle... verbally. Yeah, it’s a letdown, but remember, kids: words
can solve all problems. Except for math problems. You gotta bring in the numbers.
ON TO THE BATTLE!
Whose items are better than the other’s?
Skarl: He’s got a plushie, a stamp, a book, and a fruit. Oh, yeah. And
he’s a freaking lawn gnome.
Coltzan: A stamp, a statue, and some weird-looking gem thing.
WINNER: Skarl. Nice try, Coltzan, but your items are like Neopox. Nobody
wants them, and when they get ‘em, they ain’t welcome.
In this day and age, it’s all about your crib.
Skarl: An enormous palace. Flowing curtains. Decorated halls. And an
evil overlord threatening destruction.
Coltzan: An enormous palace. Flowing curtains. Decorated halls. And
WINNER: Coltzan. As much as we’re all bothered by heat, I think complete
and utter destruction is slightly more scary than a warm day. But just slightly.
We all know you’ve got problems, bub. Just admit!
Skarl: Impending doom from not one, but two evil beings that seek terror
Coltzan: He’s dead.
WINNER: No, really, I’m serious. He’s dead.
It sounds like ‘psychic’, but it’s not.
Skarl: He’s a little chubby around the edges, but he’s trying to...
aw, let’s just face it. He’s huge.
Coltzan: Bulging biceps. Killer tan. Awesome abdominals. What a man.
WINNER: Fat and old, or young and buff? Y’know, part of me feels sympathy
for the fat one, but Coltzan takes the prize. Well, not really the prize. But
he gets the satisfaction of winning.
So, aside from being royal subjects... what else can they do?
Skarl: King-sized King Skarl sits in his room all day, listening to
jokes ranging from hysterical to not hysterical. Wow. What a spectrum.
Coltzan: Well... he’s a, um... character in... NeoQuest II. I’m sure
that counts for something.
WINNER: What’s more fun? Telling jokes just to be rewarded with spoiled
food, or fighting a dead king over and over again? Surprisingly, I’d have to
go with the latter.
The Toy Version
Not to be confused with items... even though they are.
Skarl: Exquisitely cut NeoCotton of a delightfully happy royal blue,
decorated with rare gems, and accompanied by a personal guard plushie.
Coltzan: A deliciously golden statue, cut from the finest gold, and
embossed in a shiny golden fluid. Oh, and some blue. But mostly gold.
WINNER: Honestly, how many plushies do you know of have personal guards...IN
PLUSHIE FORM? Honestly. That’s awesome.
Well, now! All the categories have been competed in, so to speak. [What does
that mean, anyway? “So to speak.” Pssh.] And the final score?
SKARL – 3
COLTZAN – 3
Okay, I swear, when I was writing this article (which I still am), I didn’t
plan on there being a tie. But I guess it’s gotta happen, eh?
We really can’t decide which was a better king. For one thing, the categories
the article encompasses are completely pointless to who is a better king. Skarl
isn’t very good at defending Meridell, and Coltzan isn’t very good at living.
It’s quite a tough decision.
So, in reality, I can’t tell you who was the better king, so you’ll have to
decide on your own. Making this article completely pointless. Well, actually,
not really. The 22nd word of the 5th sentence of the 5th paragraph is “point.”
So there. :P