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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 23rd day of Gathering, Yr 20
The Neopian Times Week 143 > Articles > Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Insanity

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Insanity

by shmellyidiot

A DESERTED VEGGIE FIELD – I stared in amazement at Colonel Cobb. “You! You, defiant soldier! Look at your posture! Purely pathetic,” he spat at the turnip. He turned to a brussel sprout. “And you. You think you can wield your sword, you think you can defeat these Neopets in the next war, but you couldn’t hurt a Pink Lenny, because you’re too puny, sprout!” I cocked my head and cautiously approached, jotting down notes in my notebook. I watched from behind a bush as he continued to scream and order random vegetables around.

“Colonel Cobb, sir? I’m from the Neopian Times, and I’m doing an article on insanity – eh, on unique behaviors among Neopian citizens. I need to talk to you and ask you a few questions – like why you’re screaming at that poor asparagus. Asparagus has feelings too, you know.” Missy tapped my shoulder as I rambled at Colonel Cobb about the civil rights of asparagus. When I finally turned to her, she tugged on my sleeve, wanting to leave. I chewed the end of my pen. I shook my head and looked at Colonel Cobb.

He looked at me gruffly. “Why am I screaming at Soldier Arseparagus? Because he is being insolent and purposefully lying down when he should be doing his push-ups. He won’t even stand up straight. I am making a soldier out of this young bud.”

“Can you just answer one question for me? Why do you, uh, train these vegetables to be soldiers?”

He drew himself up to full height. “The greatest dignity a soldier can have is to be a well-trained soldier under a good colonel. These ruffians are going to be fit and ready for when Sloth returns – for surely he will! My old captain will be back soon and I’ll join up under him with my armies! SLOTH SHALL RETURN! HE SHALL!”

“If the vegetables don’t rot and be all smelly by then,” my Kau Darth snorted under his breath.

Cobb continued to scream devotedly to his invisible leader. I sympathetically patted a cabbage before edging away from Cobb and escaping to a safe haven.

What was I thinking of, going there, you ask? Cobb was a deranged war veteran. I wanted to find some Neopians who were insane – truly insane, I mean, I could find writers any time I wanted – and question them. Where does insanity stem from? What causes it? What – agh, my brain hurts.

After some hemming and hawing over where to go next, I decided. My next stop was Kyishi the Limbo Queen. I mean, honestly; anyone who spends nearly all her time limbo-ing and declares her flexibility “her gift” must be half insane, right? More than half? Maybe..? Please confirm my suspicions?

Anyway (with no confirmation of my own sanity, I might add) I traveled to her small Neohome. “Kyishi? Are you here?” Zoe called. A young Aisha came out. “We’re doing an article.”

“Yes? A reporter? Make it snappy, I do need to practice for my limbo competition.” Kyishi talked very rapidly and moved a lot while she talked. I saw about twenty limbos set up in her front yard. One had slick coconut oil beneath it.

“Why do you limbo, and why are you so obsessed with it? It’s not the greatest thing in the world.”

“Sure it is,” she said. “It’s a beautiful activity, in which one becomes one with the bamboo, one with the centimeter-stick, one with the art.” She was so phony. Her personality was more see-through than the purpose of the editorials!

“I mean, you just lean under a stick and step a little, and that’s really it, so – “ I babbled. Apparently this was the wrong thing to say.

“NO!” Kyishi said fiercely. “You have disrespected the delicate art of the limbo! How dare you, impudent reporter!” She grabbed a limbo stick and began to chase me. I grabbed onto Clownm’s feet and we flew away. Apparently, she was insane. Or was she just fervent about limbo? Is that truly insanity? Or – my brain hurts again.

I decided to find my next victim.

Flipping through the pages of the Neopedia, I stumbled upon Sir Fufon Lui. He was a crazed Chia whom, it seemed, liked to pretend he was a mix between Sir Lancelot and Sherlock Holmes. As I drew near his abode, I witnessed him ripping a stuffed Lupe to pieces with his sword. “Varmint! Impertinent varmint! Draw!” Fufon’s timorous assistant, Prowbert, jumped when he saw the five of us.

“M-m-master Lui! Look! Reporters!” he cried shrilly, pointing at us. “NT reporters!”

Fufon looked at us and threw back his one black lock of hair. “Mademoiselle,” he said in an obviously fake French accent, “I am so honored to see you. I am ze illustrious, well-known, famous, notorious Sir Fufon Lui, of ze Daft Faction –“ He knelt and kissed my hand.

I nodded. “Um, yes. Let’s get this over with. Now, why do you do what you do? Why do you harm innocent Neopians under the assumption that they are evildoers?” Prowbert, murmuring something about a big mistake, sighed and shook his head at his master, who was still wildly convulsing and ranting.

“- Three-time winner of ze Bizarre Balloonhead award – oh, what? What did you say? Evildoers? I shall rescue you, fair mademoiselle! En garde, en garde, cursed villain! Draw or die!” Fufon began to shred a nearby beanbag chair to pieces. “You! Accursed squishy one! You’re a coward! Draw thy sword, and face thy death!” It was amusing to see him so angry, considering how short he was.

Now, this was insanity if I ever saw it. Or maybe the Slightly Limp Yet Squishy Beanbag of Doom really was going to crush me and Fufon was actually saving my life. Either way, insanity.

Prowbert shook his head again. “I’ll pay you f-f-five thousand Neopoints to let me escape with you,” he hissed. “As long as you can get me away from this crazy man.”

“Deal,” I said, and with that we were on our way.

I returned to my quiet home and pondered my findings. I had gone to three different places – the Neosouth, Neoisland, and Neoeast – and found three different people, each insane in their own way. One yelled at inanimate vegetables (bless their hearts) and claimed that they would one day be his army, however rotten they were by then. One limboed until her mind was one big bamboo stick and her life was one huge limbo competition. The other had an inferiority complex and a false French accent. What had I learned?

Don’t go crazy, people.

I pitied the poor insane people. They couldn’t help their diseased minds, even if they did rant and obsess and write Neopian Times articles, and – oh.

Author’s Note: Thank you for reading my article of insanity! I’m a hypocrite, I know. Forgiveness, kind Neopians. Neomail me with any comments or hate mail (hate mail preferred, but the occasional compliment is okay, too ^_^). Until tomorrow, friend... and always be kind to the asparagus. For dear Mooky’s sake.


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