A Day at the Usul Appreciation Club

Kuszemi: Greetings, fair stranger from yon! Welcome to the weekly Usul Appreciation Club, which is convened every Thursday. We don’t usually have guests here, but we are actively seeking sponsors for the Yoo-Sul Championship which we are hoping to attend this year, so here you are. Between you and me, I’m hoping to get some of those people at the Obelisk over to our side, I hear they have some good players. Anyway. There’s a plate of scones there on the table and I have a kettle of tea on the hob, so please feel free to help yourself.

    Brains Mortigan: (around a mouthful of what looks suspiciously like a Brains Muffin) Yoo, get on wi’ it, yer wastin’ brainlight.

    Garin: (snickers a bit) Yeah, and what’s with the fancy archaic speech?

    Kuszemi: (frowns at Mortigan and Brains) I thought we agreed on no sarcasm. Anyway, introductions. I suppose we’ll go around the room. (gestures first at Garin, who rolls his eyes. Garin is a raggedly handsome blond Usul, who is slouching elegantly in the corner with his paws up.)

    Garin: Who, me?

    Kuszemi: Yes, you! And please sit up straight, you’re giving Usuls a bad name. We’re supposed to be the masters of good posture.

    Garin: (flippantly) Right then, keep your hair on. All right, I’m Garin, I saved Maraqua, and now I’m captaining the Black Pawkeet and sailing the high seas because that’s how I roll -

    (There is a huge ruckus at the entrance and a huge, villainous-looking green Lupe bursts in, knocking over some of the furniture. Everyone jumps to their feet. Some blades are drawn.)

    Scarblade: (in a loud, booming voice) GARIN!

    Kuszemi: (urgently) The furniture! Mind the furniture!

    Garin: (shoulders his way to the front) Oh yeah, Scarry? Long time no see, eh? You didn’t have enough of that drubbing I gave you last time, so back for some more, are you?

    Kuszemi: No bickering, no fighting, and no threatening each other here! (to Scarblade) I’m terribly sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave. This is a privately owned property -

    Garin: I’ll see him out. I was falling asleep here, anyway. (jumps onto the tea table, stepping into the plate of scones. Scarblade slashes out at him. Garin jumps away just in the nick of time.)

    Garin: And that is why you will always remember this as the day that you almost caught Captain Garin. (He takes an almighty leap and dives out of the open window. Scarblade leaps out after him in hot pursuit.)

    Kuszemi: Okay, there go my nice homemade scones, and Garin, and Scarblade. Not too sorry to see the backs of those two scallywags, to be honest. Is everyone all right?

    Brains: Arr.

    Kuszemi: Thank you, Mortigan. Well, since you spoke, would you like to introduce yourself?

    Brains: Didn’ I do this las’ time we spoke? Waste of time when I could be hunting brains over hill and dale wi’ young maids. (winks at Gilly, whose eyebrows shoot up.)

    Kuszemi: All right then! Next on. (He gestures at a pretty red Usul wearing far too much makeup.) Could you tell us about yourself, please?

    Grooming Parlour Shopkeeper: Oh, what a super wonderful day!

    Kuszemi: Well, it would have been if my scones hadn’t been ruined by that rascal.

Hannah: Well, you’re not the only person who’s had important occasions ruined by that cheeky upstart.

Kuszemi: (jumps up, and nearly trips over his tail at the sound of Hannah’s voice. Mortigan sniggers and Kuszemi shoots him a glare before turning back to the pretty Usul maid.)

Kuszemi: Yes, Hannah! Oh, you’ve met Garin before, have you?

Hannah: I didn’t just meet him. As a matter of fact, the two of us were -

(Hannah is interrupted by a loud rumbling, accompanied by the earth shaking. Everyone jumps up again. The door bursts open again and a tall, dark Gelert in a hooded cloak appears.)

Kanrik: Hannah, we have to go. Now.

Hannah: What? Kanrik, I just got here!

Kuszemi: Excuse me! Again, this is private property, and I must ask -

Kanrik: (puts his paws upon Hannah’s shoulders and looks intensely into her eyes) Really, Hannah? I’ve never known you to shy away from a good adventure. Or treasure, for that matter.

Hannah: Well, Kanrik, maybe some of us have grown older and wiser now.

(The earth gives an almighty shudder again, and some of the Usuls begin to make for the doorway.)

Kanrik: Hannah, I’m asking you, as your-

Kuszemi: So it IS true!!

Kanrik: Is what true?

Kuszemi: That you got ma-

(The wall crashes down as Garin and Captain Scarblade, along with a red-haired Kyrii, roll in, engaged in a desperate fight.)

Kuszemi: This is turning out to be the worst day of my life. First Garin spoils my scones, which took me ages. Then I find out that the lady I’m in love with was probably unavailable all along. And now I’m going to have to buy a new house, now that this lot has ruined it. GARIN!

Kanrik: (glares down at Garin) Isn’t this that annoying squirt who crashed our -

Garin: (is seemingly oblivious to everything else but the fight and slashes fiercely at Scarblade, who is battling him furiously) Take THAT! And THAT! Jacques, watch out on your left!

(Garin jumps out of the fray and grins rakishly at Hannah and Kanrik. Kuszemi and the other Usuls goggle on the sidelines)

Garin: Hello, Hannah. It’s been too long. I didn’t have a chance to say hi just now.

Kanrik: (steps in front of Hannah protectively) And who are you?

Hannah: Oh, for heaven’s sake, do stop it, you two. Kanrik, this is Garin. (She glares at Garin, who smirks back). Garin, I’ve never forgiven you for crashing my -

Kanrik: (a look of astonished annoyance and understanding dawning upon his face) YOU!

Garin: Of course I had to come and crash it. Hannah, I can’t believe you picked this scraggy bandit after -

Kuszemi: (with a howl) WHAT!? Hannah!?

Jacques: (still battling Scarblade furiously) GARIN! A little help would be nice!

(Mortigan laughs, whilst Kuszemi groans loudly. There is another tremour in the earth, and the last word that can be heard sounds suspiciously like “Obelisk.”)