Mr. Woogums

     No, I was all settled in and prepared for a day of doing absolutely nothing but lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. It's what average blue Skeiths like me do best, besides eating that is. When people tell you not to label my species as grumpy, lethargic, and incredibly boring, let me give you a piece of advice. Don't listen to them. Every assumption ever made about Skeiths is absolutely correct. But I'm getting off topic now, aren't I?

     As I already stated, the day started out normal. Things started getting a little wacky around noon, when my owner Alexandra came home from a good three and a half hours of doing what she does best; shopping.

     I heard the door opening and shutting and sounds of various items being scattered about the house. I wondered briefly how many hard earned neopoints she had managed to blow away on a whim, but I didn't have long to wonder.

     "Teeeerrrraaaaa!" Alexandra called from downstairs. Her voice was giddy with excitement, and that was hardly ever a good thing. "Terra! Come down here. I have a present for you!"

     Oh no. This was not going to be enjoyable. Gifts from Alexandra meant torture for me. Her last "present" had been a pair of Green Sparkle Trousers from the NC Mall. Can you say "Ick?" I don't know about you, but I find them atrocious. Worse yet, she made me wear them until I accidentally on purpose spilled my Disco Slushie on them. Whoops.

     I really don't know why she bestows me with such monstrosities. Perhaps it is because I'm an only pet. Usually I'm cool with that, no annoying siblings or anything. But right now I wished an adorable baby Lupe would simply fall out of the sky with a sign attached to it that said, "Spoil me rotten, please!"

     It took a few tries, but I finally mustered up enough enthusiasm to tumble off my bed and out the door. As I lumbered ungracefully down the stairs, I prepared myself for the very worst. A Prissy Miss Usuki Collector Dress, a Leafy Skirt... I could handle that. All it would take is a few more slushies. But what if it was something that could not be stained? Like Space Trooper Leggings or a Space Bounty Hunter Shirt? Then I would be in trouble. Big trouble.

     But, unfortunately for me, it wasn't any of these things.

      As I peered into the living room where Alexandra stood (with a big stupid grin stuck on her face, I might add), I realized that extremely unfashionable and possibly indestructible clothing were now the least of my concerns. What stood before me was something much, much worse...

     An Angelpuss.

     I stood in the doorway, completely stunned. My mouth hung open, revealing my rather large and pointy teeth. I must have looked like an idiot, so I snapped it shut. It was all about control and composer, I told myself. I took a deep breath, collected myself...

     And screamed.

     Loudly.

     You see, I had just let out into the open a secret that I had planned to keep shut up inside of me for, well... ever. I was terrified of petpets. Well, not terrified per se. I just loathed 'em. Any species, shape, size, color... it didn't matter. I hated them, and this Angelpuss was no exception.

     The repulsive little critter gazed up at me with wide, frightened eyes. A hideous, terrifying noise rumbled in its throat. Was it preparing to attack?

     "Terra! Stop wailing like that; you'll scare the poor dear!" Alexandra cried, scooping the beast into her arms and giggling as it nuzzled her affectionately. "You know, Terra, I think it likes you. It's purring."

     Purring?

     I thought purring was supposed to be all soft and delicate-like. This sounded more like a boulder charging down a rocky mountain at top speed. There was something seriously wrong with this creature.

     I watched in horror as Alexandra cuddled the thing, cooing nonsense words into its ear. Only one word came to mind: Disgusting.

     "What will you name him, Terra?" my owner asked, still stroking the Angelpuss.

     "What will I name him? Are you nuts?" I cried. "I'm not gonna name the thing! Take it back. I don't want it!" Now, that may have sounded rude and all, but I was freaked out beyond reason. The thought of having to live with the picture of pure evil for the rest of my days was really not appealing to me at all. I was prepared to do whatever I had to do to get this petpet out of here. If that meant being a spoiled, ungrateful little brat than so be it.

     But Alex would not be swayed so easily.

     "Oh, nonsense. You're being silly," she stated, "and if you won't name him, then I will." Alexandra turned to the Angelpuss and added, "Isn't that right, Mr. Woogums?"

     Mr. Woogums?

     I almost started to scream again, but kept my mouth shut. I realized at this point arguing would do me no good. My owner had made up her mind and that was that. But I hadn't entirely given up. One way or another, Mr. Woogums had to go.

     I spent the rest of the day scheming and plotting up in the safety of my room. Unfortunately, all the ideas I had of how to rid myself of the petpet involved me actually touching the petpet. That was something I was not prepared to do. If it decided to lunge at me (and I was sure that it would) then I would be done for. No way, no how was I taking any chances on being ripped to shreds by the seemingly innocent little beast. If I was going to get rid of it, I was going to have to come up with something brilliant.

     I was so immersed in my thoughts, so concentrated on my planning, that I didn't notice as my slightly opened door creaked, signaling a visitor. I didn't notice the sound of soft paws padding across the carpet...

     Until it was too late.

     Mr. Woogums launched himself on me in one quick movement, bringing me crashing back down to reality. I was paralyzed by fear. I couldn't speak, move, breathe...

     Time seemed to stand still.

     My worst fear had been realized. My worst fear was staring me right in the face, literally. Mr. Woogums was perched on my lap and the evil gleam in his eyes told me the end was near. He leaned forward, whiskers twitching. I shut my eyes tight. My time was up.

     And that's when a most extraordinary thing happened. Mr. Woogums didn't kill me. He licked me. He brought his filthy tongue up to my cheek and, in one swift movement, actually licked me.

     I'll have to admit, I was beyond stunned. I was a bit disgusted, but stunned just the same. Could it be that Mr. Woogums was not a diabolical monster, set on destroying myself and the universe?

     Slowly, a smile formed on my face.

     Maybe Mr. Woogums could stay here after all.

     * * *

     Headquarters,

     My first day in the target's house is completed. I have won over the hearts and minds of both neopet and human. They will never suspect a thing....

     -Mr. Woogums

The End