White Weewoos don't exist. *shifty eyes* Circulation: 177,117,134 Issue: 320 | 30th day of Storing, Y9
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Advanced Chemistry for Beginners

by rest_in_boredom


Also by zewq

What time is it? 32:90 am, apparently. Ah, you're sitting in your chair, absently reading this article of mine, a small person in this large world. Yes, I'm here inside the screen - calling for you.

*seven hours later*

Do you know what time it is? It looks like 32:91 am, time for... an interview with a random Neopian from a different dimension! Today, we'll be talking with this dude, er, professor from Chemistry for Beginners! So take out your notepads and be prepared to draw stick figures; this Ixi will tell you all you need to know (or maybe one important thing) about this thing called Chemistry for Beginners!

Q: “Well, Mister-”

-Doctor Q is going to be busy for a while; replacing him will be... 10!

10: “Morning, Professor. Your beard is looking lovely today. So, how about we start the interview; Do you have a name?”

Richard: *cough* “Richard.”

10: “Morning, Richard. So, you host this game, am I correct? Will you please tell us the name of this game?”

Richard: *cough* “Chemistry for Beginners.”

10: “Ah, Chemistry for Beginners! What a lovely name for a game. So what is this game basically about?”

Richard: “Well, you take a bunch of atoms and build molecules. Molecules are chains of elements with specific characteristics. Some of those are very useful. But certain combinations are very volatile.”

10: “Volatile?”

Richard, looking less grumpy than usual: “Yes, that means they can explode if you touch them. That is, make a big booming noise.”

10: “So, handling molecules can be compared with the dangers of swallowing a super attack pea in one gulp?”

Richard, baffled for a moment: “...I guess you could say that. Once a molecule is formed, you score points, the formed molecule is taken off the board, and the game will go on. There is a certain guideline you may need to know if you'd like to be very successful at this highly complicated game of mine. Simply place two elements of the same kind, let's say Tyrannium, next to each other. If a molecule of Tyrannium is placed at board coordinate 4,3, it would be wise to place another molecule of Tyrannium at 4,2 or any board coordination you can find that is somewhat relevant to 4,3. Then you may keep on placing molecules until it forms a molecule. This tactic can also be used for more diverse molecules containing 2 types of elements. Do you see what I am saying?”

10, dozing off: ...“Ah, continue on, please.”

Richard: “Once a molecule is formed with the given elements, you will score points depending on the complexity of the molecule, it’s removed from the board, and the game will go on. Excuse me; I believe I have already explained this to you, Mister Ten. Would you like me to repeat once more?”

10: “NO! Er, that won’t be necessary. *quietly* (I don’t want my head to explode...) Carry on, then. Have you ever heard of the phrase 'chatspeak'?”

Richard: “Never before in my life.”

10: “'Restocklimacation'?”

Richard: *cough* “Not explainable.”

10: “'Homaliporaeliftriarness'?”

Richard, getting annoyed: “Are you trying to look smarter by confronting me with pointless, made up words or is there another explanation to these questions?”

10: “Oh, you got me there. Well, I’ll just continue. Have you ever been to the NeoBoards?”

Richard: “NeoBoards?”

10: “Yeah, that thing, you know. The NeoBoards... the place that makes all that noise!”

Richard: “Oh yes, the NeoBoards. Every single time I walk past there, this Mynci just walks up to me and starts shouting in my ear! That’s quite disturbing, you can imagine. That’s why I don’t usually go to that place.”

10: “Whoops, sorry about that...”

Richard: “Excuse me?”

10: “Oh, nothing. So, can you explain some of the elements and their characteristics to us?”

Richard: “Of course I can. The first element we start with is Neopium. Neopium is a common, but very special element. It is the cornerstone of all other molecules, being the main part that keeps them all together. Two atoms of Neopium combined make Neoxygen. This is found in the air we breathe, in the water we drink, and in the composition of our very bodies.”

10: “So you’re saying we’re breathing pairs of little green balls in?”

Richard: “Yes... uh... well... we are, but they’re just really, really tiny, too small to be seen.”

10: “Ah, I see. Please continue.”

Richard: “Yes. The second element that is introduced is Tyrannium. It was named after the prehistoric world of Tyrannia, because it is the main component of the rocks, the soil and other minerals found on the surface of Neopia. Even various jewels are made of Tyrannium. It has such diverse possibilities because there are many compounds available to be made with Tyrannium and Neopium.”

10: “How many possible molecules can you make with Neopium and Tyrannium, then?”

Richard: “A total of three different types of molecules can be made with Tyrannium; two of them include atoms of Neopium. The one molecule that doesn’t have atoms of Neopium is a very simple one: It consists of three atoms of Tyrannium placed adjacent each other, which has the scientific name Tyramton. This is the material of which the soil beneath our feet is composed.”

10: “Ah, I think I understand. Just like Neoxygen, the particles are too small to be seen?”

Richard: “That is correct. It would take about 10 billions * billions of these particles to be visible for the naked eye.”

10: “Wow, that’s a lot!”

The professor seems to find delight in 10’s astonishment of this fact.

10: “So, can you now explain the other two molecules to be made with Neopium and Tyrannium?”

Richard: “Yes. Another three-atom molecule is Neopium-Tyrannium-Neopium, or green-blue-green. The scientific name is Crobone. With the two atoms of Neopium giving it extra density, it is no surprise it is what the toughest rocks found in Neopia are made of. These two molecules, Tyramton and Crobone, are introduced early in the game, I believe level 2. They both give you two points when synthesized.”

10: “I must say, I like your use of very large words. And what did you say about the last molecule, was it something jewels were made of?”

Richard: “Yes indeed. This compound which is created with Neopium and Tyrannium goes through the following formation: green-blue-green-blue-green. It is quite difficult to synthesize, to make one of these molecules you need to build them up from side to side, to the centre. It has the scientific name Granada. Being very rare, it is what various jewels and gems are made of, such as diamonds.”

10: “Very interesting! So if I want to get rich quick, I just make really, really many Granada molecules and I'll get diamonds?”

Richard, chuckling: “Hmm, that might be possible, if you had a billion * a billion Granada molecules, you could heat them up to 5000 degrees Celsius under a pressure of 750,000 times our atmosphere, yes.”

10: “Erm, okay, so that kinda beats the 'get rich quick' method...”

Richard: “You should know that most, if not all, 'get rich quick' methods have a tail like this, mister 10.”

10: “Yeah, I could have guessed getting free jewels wasn't going to be easy. So which element is next in this micro-scale game of yours?”

Richard: “The next element that is introduced is Slothite. This element can be very useful, but also very dangerous at times. The first use for this element is in the molecule named Mecharan. It is built up in the following formation: Neopium - Slothite - Slothite - Neopium, or green - red - red - red - green.”

10: “Very wise of you to mention this. And what are the special uses of Mecharan?”

Richard: “Mecharan actually doesn't have much particular uses, other than making up most of the shiny dust you see when you travel to Kreludor. It does earn you four points when synthesized. And this leads me to a compound we know as QQ+fortine.”

10: “QQ+fortine? What a crazy name!”

Richard, looking very serious: “Crazy indeed, but wait until you see what it does. In the game, it creates an unstable compound if four atoms of Slothite are put next to each other. Be sure to never build this extremely dangerous compound of QQ+fortine, as it can cause immediate blindness! There are simplified versions of QQ+fortine, such as three atoms of Slothite, but it does not gain you any points.”

10: “Ah. Two questions: Number one, what if we view the dangerous compound of QQ+fortine with sunglasses on? And question number two, do you know of any deadlier versions of QQ+fortine? I need some for that evil little Kadoatie...”

Richard: “To answer question one, yes, it will prevent you from becoming completely blind, but your eyesight will strongly decrease very closely to complete blindness. If you're lucky. Question number two... as of this date, I believe not.”

10: “Curses!”

Richard: “What did a harmless petpet do to you for you to need such a substance?”

10: “You don't want to know, trust me. So, can you make any more molecules with Slothite?”

Richard: “Why, yes, there is one more. It is very peculiar, I might add, as it consists of seven molecules of Slothite placed adjacent to each other, and it is called Zexalogron. One would think that more molecules of Slothite without Neopium to balance it would simply make it more unstable and dangerous. But somehow, this very large molecule seems completely stable. Synthesizing it is quite tricky, as you have a good chance of accidentally putting together an unstable molecule and it blows up in your face. As it is difficult to make, you do get 10 points for it, the most you can get with one molecule in this game.”

10: “And where can we find this Zexolopgroko?”

Richard: “Allow me to correct you, it is Zexalogron.”

10: “Nah, I still can't say it.”

Richard: “Moving on, Zexalogron is mostly found in the inky depths of space, it is primarily what Space Fungi consume to grow. I believe that the dreaded Stuff also consists partially of this material.”

10, struggling with the word: “So basically, Zexolgraron... Zixelgargen... Zaxel... ah, forget it, I'm not bothering anymore.”

The professor looks amused.

10: “So it's basically a type of food? Is it also safe for Neopets to ingest?”

Richard: “I wouldn't entirely feel safe to say Ze-xa-lo-gron is. It is common knowledge that The Stuff is the grossest, most repulsive substance you will ever consume, so Zexalogron, being a part of the Stuff, can't be very good either.”

10: “Yeah, well, I think we need a brain from the break-benders... Umm, I mean a break from the brain-benders. Could you maybe tell us something about yourself? For example, what is your favourite Neopian world?”

Richard: “Well, I think all the worlds are all virtually equal. So if I were to choose between this large, intensifying number of worlds, Haunted Woods would most likely be my choice.”

10: “Now, Richard. Is there a certain reason you favour the Haunted Woods over, say, Terror Mountain?”

Richard: “Yes, as it is where I come from. We also have a very favourable Yooyuball team and one of Neopia's most diverse worlds. It is also where I reside in my lab. Although, I do enjoy going on holiday to Terror Mountain.”

10: “Wait, did you say your lab is in the Haunted Woods? It looks like we are getting to an interesting subject here; why did you choose to place your laboratory in the Haunted Woods?”

Richard: “Well, I chose to settle my laboratory here as the Haunted Woods is my birthplace, and as a wide variety of resources is available here. Tell me, where else could you find all the Spooky Shakes, Pumpkin Cookies and Spooky Doughnuts needed?”

10: “I wouldn't know where else. What do you need those food items for then?”

Richard: “Ah, I think I forgot to mention this in my previous explanation. Some spooky foods contain large amounts of Zexalogron, which is essential for brewing Transmogrification Potions. I learned that when I was younger.”

10: “Well, I certainly know I'm never eating those again. Please tell us more about your history.”

Richard: “Well, a long time ago, before I created Chemistry for Beginners, I was a bright, enterprising apprentice of a potion-brewer. I was very curious about what made the characteristics of the ingredients she used, and which parts of those had special properties. That's why I originally left her apprenticeship. My biggest dream was to teach my findings to other pets who were as enthusiastic about this subject as I was. Unfortunately, there was, and still is, no Neoschool where I could educate the next generation. So instead, I created this game.”

10: “Did you say ‘her’ apprenticeship? Please tell, who is this potion-brewer you speak of?”

Richard: “Oh yes. My potion brewer's name is Edna the Witch. She likes to spend time brewing up potions in that big pot of hers. One day, she stopped by to play Chemistry for Beginners, and she simply loved it. She said she was quite proud of what I have achieved. If you know Edna, you know she’s not very generous with compliments, so I was very glad to hear that. Also, she recently got her own game, called Edna’s Shadow if I recall correctly.”

10: “Ah, could you tell us a little about Edna's Shadow?”

Richard: “I'd be delighted to. You play as Edna, whose shadow and she got separated by a spell gone wrong. When I had stuck around, I surely wouldn't have let that happen, you understand. The goal is to simply fetch items for that cauldron of hers. There is a trick to it, but you will find out once you play the game. I believe we are getting slightly off-topic. Shall I further explain the elements of Chemistry for Beginners?”

10: “Very well, then. Now we've discussed Neopium, Tyrannium, and Slothite. Which elements do we still have to get to?”

Richard: “The last elements we have yet to discuss are Faeryllium and Krawkite. But these are certainly not all the elements in existence. There are still many more left to discover.”

10: “Oh, is that so? Could you tell us anything about new elements?”

Richard: “I will get to that at another time. Well then, let us now continue on with Faeryllium. In the game, this element is first introduced in the tenth level, I believe. It is supposed to have a strong linkage with faerie magic as well. When used in the following order: Neopium, Faeryllium, Faeryllium, Faeryllium, Neopium, a seven pointer compound is formed. In other words, a combination of green - gold - gold - gold - green. This molecule is called Nimbusix. This particular substance is also what makes the clouds in Faerieland hold the city up. So it is a very wondrous element, shrouded in mystery.”

10: “That was very interesting, and I believe I know what Krawkite is.”

Richard: “If you do know so, feel free to explain. It's always a pleasure to see a young Neopian like you take interest in these sorts of things.”

10: “Uh, right. To be honest, I was... lying. Perhaps you could explain it to me once again?”

Richard, looking a bit disappointed: “Hmm, very well then. Krawkite is the final element in this thrilling game. Sparkling in the light, the shine it radiates is endless. As you might have reasoned yourself, it is a metal.”

10: “Ah, I see. Go on...”

Richard: “When Krawkite is joined with another atom of Krawkite, you are able to score a point with it. Very simple, I assume. Krawkite is quite rare, it is only found in the Fungus Cave, I believe. It is assumed that it also plays a vital role in the transforming from a Krawk petpet to a Krawk pet.”

10: “Ah, how very fascinating. As you mentioned earlier, there are still more to be discovered. Have any atoms or molecules been discovered recently?”

Richard: “As a matter of fact, yes indeed. You might remember the expedition that Lillian Fairweather, her father Hugo Fairweather, Roxton A. Colchester III and Captain Rourke embarked upon to find a mysterious island mentioned in an ancient journal."

10: "Yes, I remember that. Many people never expected them to return, because the island was cursed!"

Richard. "Indeed, they did not. The expeditors were not seen for some time. But they did return, and with the most incredible stories about monstrosities of petpetpets living on the island. I was not very interested in stories, as you cannot lay them under a microscope. I am a man of materials."

10: "Of course. So did they bring back any materials for you to study?"

Richard: "Yes; Miss Fairweather brought back to the mainland a very peculiar fruit. Most of the composition of this fruit was already known, but I discovered a completely new element on the skin of the fruit! We still know very little about it, but Miss Fairweather believes that it has a connection with the mutating of the petpetpets she claims they saw. While it is practically impossible to find proof for these connections, it still is a remarkable discovery, and so the element was named after her: Fairweathite."

10: "Very intriguing. Any more interesting facts of my liking?"

Richard: "Yes, indeed. I believe there is a topic that would very well suit your cravings. When examining some of the fruit Miss Fairweather had found, we found certain compositions that when mixed into another one of our chemical-workings in progress, turned a greenish hue. It turned out to be the kind of substance found in items like asparagus and spinach."

10: "That makes me want to swim to that island right now! So will we be hearing more about your discoveries?"

Richard: “Only time will tell. But it was a very, very boisterous and convivial time I had spent with you, professor 10. It was plenty gratifying explaining to you the main aspects to Chemistry for Beginners, as well as a little for-your-information on me myself.”

10: “Aww, don't mention it, professor.”

Richard: “Please, call me Richard.”

Out of nowhere, two cleverly disguised pets pop up with balloons and a large cake coated with chocolate.

Q and Laurens: “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”

Richard pleasantly surprised: “Please, get this preposterous figure of stomach-rumbling delight out of my face! And plus, today is not by day of birth!”

Q: “Yeah, but we didn't know whether or not you celebrated your birthday for some time, so we figured today would be a nice day!”

And so, to conclude this commodity, we have basically explained to you the importance of life itself the past six or so hours. The moral lesson - Chemistry makes your brain hurt, but it is still a very 'cool' materiality.

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