Lupe Conundrums: Logic Has No Place Here

But I realized that Lennies are not smart. They just seem smart. I thought that any pet, for example, my Lupe Remus230, could best every single Lenny in the world in a game of, let’s say, Armada. (“Now jump over the enemy fleet. That’s it Remus...NO REMUS! DON’T EAT YOUR FLEET! BAD LUPE! NO CANDY”) OK, so maybe not. But there must be some way to prove how smart my Lupe was

And I got to thinking: Lennies have their own Conundrums. Why can’t Lupes? After all, Remus is an ULTIMATE GENIUS (103) Surely that must make him the most intelligent pet in Neopia. And so it was decided then and there that I would prove that Lennies weren’t the smartest pets in Neopia by publishing a dozen of the smartest Conundrums ever: Lupe Conundrums!

I now really sympathize with the poor Lenny who comes up with the puzzles. These things are hard. Finally, I was forced to have Remus come up with them the old-fashioned way: I locked him in a room and force-fed him Genius Neggs until he started muttering in tongues while suffering from a feverish attack of Bloaty Belly. Then I translated the mutterings as best I could and typed them out. (Incidentally, this is how 9/10 users create their NeoSignatures.) What follows is as direct a representation of the hidden brainpower of Lupes:

Lupe Conundrum One: The day they were released, Neostar16 gave a Trunkard to his favorite pet, MeercaKing3, sure that one day he might win the PPL if he never removed the Trunkard at all. Eventually, he’d win big.

Well, in about Y10, Sleeping 19th, the Trunkard will finally be selected as the PPL mascot of the week. Neostar16 will be thrilled.

How many Neopoints will Neostar16 win from the PPL?

Answer: None. You see, MeercaKing3 is a Jetsam, who has a bad habit of eating his aquatic petpets. And sometime in Y8, nature took its course...

Lupe Conundrum Two: Tekkiti-Lu the Witch Doctor is jealous of all the attention the Tombola Man gets with his Ticky-Tack Tombola. So he devises a scheme to draw all the Mystery Island tourists to his door...

The next day, a couple of Ixis were about to go to the Tombola when they saw a billboard in the middle of the Island. It read:

Special Tekki-Tack Tombola! Win the Jackpot of 10 ISLAND PAINT BRUSHES!

Intrigued, the Ixis went to Tekkiti-Lu’s stand, where he explained the rules. Each pet would pay him 10 Neopoints for the chance to draw a card from his bin of numbers. If the number on the card contained the same number of letters as were in its name, then the pet would win the jackpot. Thinking this was an easy win, the Ixis handed over a hundred Neopoints each and began drawing. Soon more and more pets were drawn over, wanting to win the Island Paint Brushes.

‘Fools!’ Tekkiti-Lu thought, ‘What they don’t know is that there’s only one number that contains its own number of letters: 4! (Tekkiti-Lu read old Lenny Conundrums a lot.) And the 4 card is safely tucked away in my pocket.’

Seeing what was going on, the Tombola Man came over and took a look at the game. Smiling, he turned to the witch doctor and spoke kindly.

“I’ll make you a wager,” the Tombola Man said, “You give me five minutes to search through the bin for any number I want. Then I show it to you. If I win, I not only get the paintbrushes, but you shut down your stand. But if I don’t win the jackpot, you can have my Tombola.”

A gasp went through the crowd. “Agreed,” said Tekkiti-Lu, smiling. This would be like shooting Kois in a barrel...

How did the Tombola Man win Tekkiti-Lu’s Tombola?

Answer: The Tombola Man changed his language on the sidebar to Spanish. Then he drew the number 5, or ‘Cinco.’ Unable to pay off the jackpot, Tekkiti-Lu was hired to work off his debt as the secretary outside the Ticky-Tack Tombola.

Lupe Conundrum Three: BuBu the Babaa has come up with a sure-fire get-rich-quick scheme. Her plan is simple. Every day, she will play Potato Counter as much as possible and no matter how many potatoes there are in front of her, she will always instantly guess ‘30,’ taking exactly 0.45 seconds to come up with the answer. She knows she’ll normally be wrong, but there’s a chance she’ll be right one day, and she’ll reel in the big cash!

Unfortunately, BuBu is so small that every day, she must rent a stepstool from Ye Olde Petpets for 25 NP so she can see the Kacheek Farmer. But she’s confident that in, oh, the next 45 days, she’ll be able to make an amazing profit.

If the number of potatoes is always randomly somewhere between 20 and 75, and BuBu has 1000 NP to start with, what is her final earnings at the end of 45 days?

Answer: -287 NP. As BuBu is a Babaa, she is unable to play games herself, and the first time she tried to tell her dim-witted Quiggle Owner ‘Pick 30! Pick 30!,’ all he heard was high-pitched squealing. He looked over and, noticing a bag of 1000 NP, pocketed it before spending another 25 minutes counting the 30 potatoes in front of him. She did, however, steal the stool from Ye Olde Petpets and was fined another 262 NP for theft in the furniture degree.

Lupe Conundrum Four: Every day after Neoschool, and before she went to her part-time job at the Neggery, Jelly_been the Jubjub visited the Kadoatery to talk with the cutest Kadoatie of all; a little blue Kadoatie named Hairball. Hairball was different from all the other Kadoaties. She only liked foods that were exactly 1.5 times as expensive as the last food she had eaten. Naturally, this meant she was hungry a lot of the time. But Jelly_been fed her whenever she could. And Hairball always rewarded her with a special Kadoatie smile.

One day, Jelly_been found Hairball looking particularly sad. She moped about in her cage, and could barely finish the Green Draik Egg she had been given three hours earlier. “I wish I could help you, Hairball...” said Jelly_been, “But I just emptied my bank account buying a Spotted Paint Brush for my brother’s birthday tomorrow...all I’ve got is a Blue Fuzzle and four Poisonous Lollypops. I don’t even know what you want to eat!”

Hairball just looked sadly out past the cage bars. A tear fell softly down her cheek...

How does Jelly_been cheer up Hairball that afternoon and see that special Kadoatie smile?

Answer: While the owner isn’t looking, she drops the Poisonous Lollypops into the food bowls of the other Kadoaties. Then, while he’s trying to sort out all the mess, confusion and sudden rash of vomiting, Jelly_been opens the door and switches Hairball for the Fuzzle. (The owner of the Kadoatery isn’t too bright.) She then takes Hairball with her to the Ice Caves, and secretly force-feeds the poor little Kadoatie Happiness Neggs until its cheek muscles involuntarily shoot upwards, forming a smile visible from Kreludor. (WARNING: NO ACTUAL KADOATIES WERE HARMED IN THE CREATION OF THIS LUPE CONUNDRUM...EXCEPT FOR HAIRBALL, OF COURSE.)

Lupe Conundrum Five: A train departs from the Neopia Central Art Gallery at 6:00AM at 30 miles per hour. Meanwhile, a second train leaves Mystery Island Training School at 5:50AM, traveling at 24 miles per hour. However, the first train has an odd habit of increasing one mph every four minutes, and the second train decreases by one mph every five minutes.

If the trains head straight for each other, taking the shortest route possible, at what time will they intersect?

Answer: Y29, Gathering 12. Immediately, the Trains plunge into the ocean as there’s no bridge connecting the two points. They drift around lazily and remain sunken until, a couple decades later, when M.H.S. (Meepit Historical Society) performs a salvage operation and hurls the two wrecks onto a barge, where they crash together.

Lupe Conundrum Six: Number Five, the crazy old Lupe in Darigan’s Tower who’s always going on about some sort of ‘Jelly Land’ has finally managed to escape and free Squire Meekel too! His first goal is to prove to his friend that this ‘Jelly Land’ exists.

“Don’t be stupid!” Meekel told him, “Explores have circled the globe for years searching for a ‘Jelly Land.’ And it doesn’t exist! You couldn’t find it in a million years!”

“We’ll see about that,” Number Five said. Unfortunately, his friends were right. Three days later, they had only covered 7% of Neopia, and Meekel was ready to call it quits, when Number Five got a brainwave.

The Lupe nose is hypersensitive, but is often distracted by visual or auditory input. When sights and sounds are not present, however, the Lupe nose can pick up a unique scent within a 200 mile radius! Wow! Number Five had Meekel blindfold him and stuff his ears with gruel. Then, holding his only remaining jelly possession (a Half-Eaten Raspberry Jelly his mummy gave him,) to his nose, he inhaled deeply and sniffed around...

What is the probability that Number Five will be able to find this ‘Jelly Land’ in the next three days, assuming they travel at the same speed over the land?

Answer: O%. Stop being a n00b; Jelly Land doesn’t exist. In reality, Number Five travelled on the scent for another 12 hours before arriving at the Jelly Processing Plant, where Meekel was eaten by a hungry Skeith.

Lupe Conundrum Seven: QwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertl

QwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertl

Blork!QwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertl

QwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlQwertlYink.

What is the answer?

Answer: Obviously, of course, the answer is ‘The North-eastern Shore of Roo Island’s Lighthouse.’ What? You want to know how I came up with that answer? Boy, you’re dumb. You’re even dumber than the 2,156,935 people who have already asked me how I came up with that answer.

Lupe Conundrum Eight: “You’re all going to get jobs this year!” bellowed Mrs. Meeka to her three Meerca triplets: Morcus, Dorcus and Sporcus. “You need to start paying for some of the bills around here.”

Grumbling, the triplets accepted. One week later, they met back with their mother.

“I got a job as Dr. Sloth’s junior assistant!” said Morcus

“I started working for the Faerie Queen as her secretary!” said Dorcus

“I was hired by Hannah to hold her big sack of treasure while she races through the Pirate Caves!” said Sporcus

“I’m proud of you all, and of the fact that you all get identical wages. We’ll finally be able to live life in comfort!” said Mrs. Meeka, happily.

At the end of six months, which of the Meercas was the richest?

Answer: Mrs. Meeka. Although Morcus did steal a 6,000,000 NP Death-O-Matic robot and sell it on the black market, and Dorcus knocked Fyora out with Asparachucks before helping himself to the cash box, and Sporcus randomly found twelve billion Neopoints on the ground, all the boys were responsible and handed their profits over to their mother, who promptly bought and renamed Krawk Island.

Lupe Conundrum Nine: “YOU HAVE FAILED ME!!!” boomed the Brain Tree to the tiny Shoyru cowering below. “I simply asked you when and where Mortimer Ixi died and you failed to report back in time. Do you realize that this is the 100TH QUEST IN A ROW YOU HAVE FAILED!!!!” the less-than-happy Tree shouted.

The Shoyru whimpered in agreement. Or maybe fear.

“I should just eliminate you as an example to others. But I have a better idea.” The tree smiled nastily. “I’m going to give you a little puzzle. If you are correct, then I will spare your miserable little life. But if you are wrong, then I will make you pay for all eternity. Let’s begin.”

“I was planted in 176B.N. I grew one twig in my first year, two in my second, four in my third year, eight in the fourth and so on. I did not begin Brain Tree Quests until 3 B.N. Each year I set forth an average of 62 500 quests, though only 1/3 of those were completed. For each quest, there was an 80% chance I would give a Brain Tree Twig as a reward, though.”

“My life had been simple until Y2, when a fire raced through the woods and burned away half of my twigs at the time. But I regrew. Now...” the Tree bent its withered frame down to the Shoyru. “You have one hour to tell me how many twigs I have on my branches right now.” It laughed menacingly, knowing the Shoyru was hopeless at arithmetic.

“Piece of cake,” the Shoyru said.

What did the Shoyru answer?

Answer: O twigs. Yes, the Shoyru couldn’t do math to save his life. But first he grabbed a Fire Mote and hurled it into the center of the Tree’s millions of tiny twigs. They all caught fire and soon it spread to the entire Tree. After an hour, the fire had consumed itself and had reduced the Brain Tree to the Blackened Brain Stump. That was when he correctly replied zero twigs. Although he was correct, the Tree put a restraining order between him and the Haunted Woods for the rest of time.

Lupe Conundrum Ten: Jubbles the Usul just LOVES avatars! She wants to collect them all, but specifically all of the ones featuring a petpet. She’s hoping that soon she’ll be able to get the Snowbunny Whee! Avatar, with the help of her Snowbunny ‘Cute-Head’, who has been equipped to her for 364 days and 6 hours.

What is the minimum amount of time required for Jubbles to collect every one of the petpet avatars?

Answer: 18 hours. That’s when she gets the Snowbunny Avatar.

You did know she already had all the other ones already, right?

Lupe Conundrum Eleven: Dr. Sloth was chasing a clever Koi named Barris who had stolen some Secret Robot Blueprints. Barris was outrunning a squadron of angry Robot Grundos when he got the bright idea to hide deep in Kiko Lake. The Robot Grundos started to follow, but short-circuited when they came near the water.

Angered, Dr. Sloth sent his Mutant Grundos to eliminate the Koi. But they were unable to enter the water without their Mutox-Syrup coating dissolving. Next he tried his Shadow Grundos (all Dr. Sloth had were Grundos, unfortunately) but they couldn’t hold their breath long enough to reach the Koi. And the Maraquan Grundo had not been invented yet.

“Haha!” yelled Barris, “You’ll never get your stupid plans back!”

How did Dr. Sloth get his plans back?

Answer: He sent an enormous squadron of Sponge Grundos to the lake. They jumped in and soaked up all the water of Kiko Lake. The Robot Grundos then marched down and captured the Koi, who Dr. Sloth decided to be nice to, and only tortured him for twelve days instead of fourteen.

Lupe Conundrum Twelve: Blendo the Lenny is tired of reading stupid Lupe Conundrums in the paper. He challenges Remus230 (pk_fire14’s Lupe) to a one-on-one fight for possession of the conundrum trademark. Remus agrees. They decide to meet at the Stone Dome in the morning.

Blendo spends the night training. He has Godly Strength, Bullet-proof Defense and GREAT! Speed. On top of that, he wields an Asparagus-Powered Ray Gun, a Lenny-Laser-Blaster and a can of Lupe-B-Gone.

Remus, meanwhile, has an old Lupe Battle Claw and a Wet Snowball. His stats are all 17.

What is the probability of Remus230 winning the fight the next day?

Answer: 100%. That night, Remus, being smart enough to know that Blendo would normally win, sells his Lupe Battle Claw and hires a squadron of Assault Wockies. for a little Lennicide. The next day, Blendo stumbles in dazed, confused, late, mauled and minus his cool weaponry. He succumbs to the first Lupe Lunge.

Weren’t those some fun brainteasers, everyone? You don’t have to tell me. I can see that you enjoyed them so much that your brains exploded with illogical force and you passed out on the floor. But don’t get so excited that you miss the next installment of Lupe Conundrums, published as soon as I can find more Genius Neggs to cram into Remus. Until then, bye.