The Truth About Guilds

Hello there! If you are a human owner, come no further---this article does not concern you and I’m sure there are plenty of other entries in this Neopian Times issue that would interest you.

If, however, you are a fellow Neopet, I urge you to read on.

My name is Kitaron the Kougra, and I am here to discuss a topic of hot debate amongst our community of pets---guilds. Now listen carefully, my friend, for what I have to say may save you and your owner from destruction.

Let’s start with the basics: What are guilds? Well, they claim to be a place where people of similar interests gather to chat and make friends. Right?

WRONG.

If this is your idea of what a guild is, then you have fallen under the deception that has ensnared countless thousands of innocent owners and their pets. It is time for you to learn the bitter truth. It will be ugly, it will be painful, but it will open your eyes to the evil all around you.

Let me tell you a story. Once, long ago, a red Kougra lived with his owner and siblings in a happy little home in Meridell. They did everything together, from daily trips to the Fruit Machine to hours of fun in the Gameroom. Life was perfect, and the Kougra couldn’t have wished for anything more.

Then, one fateful day, a family friend told his owner about a guild she had---a place where all their closest Neofriends could gather to have fun. It sounded wonderful, so the young Kougra’s owner joined, and was soon promoted to a council position. He was happy for her, even though he was never allowed inside. He asked what went on in there, and she assured him all they did was talk. But he sensed there was more to it than that, that she was holding something back, when there had never been any secrets between them before.

As time went on, the Kougra began to notice strange changes in his owner’s behavior. She began inviting other friends to join this guild, and even put up a guild banner on her lookup. And although she still played with her pets, groomed them, fed them, and trained them, she spent more and more time inside that ominous place where pets were strictly forbidden from entering. Finally, he decided it had gone on for long enough, and so one day when his owner set off for a guild meeting, he secretly followed.

He watched from his hiding place with bated breath as the door opened. He watched as a horrid dung meepit appeared on the other side, standing guard at the entranceway, watched as his beloved owner bowed to it with mindless glazed eyes and disappeared inside...

And his entire world came crashing down.

My friends, that young Kougra was me, and from that day on, I have known what guilds really are.

Brace yourself, for these guilds... are nothing more than recruitment centers for the meepits. Yes, you heard me right---each and every one of those poor souls in the guilds have been entranced by the hypnotic gaze of a meepit, and enslaved to do their bidding.

You are in shock, I see. It is understandable---none of us could have ever imagined the meepits’ infiltration to penetrate this far, into the very heart of Neopian society.

Many of you have owners who belong in a guild; some of you might have an owner who owns one. If so, then you may be somewhat familiar with guild politics.

Most guilds have one main goal: to recruit new members. They may advertise incessantly with banners and slogans, or spam with infuriating copy and paste messages on the Neoboards. Your previously sensitive and reticent owner may suddenly mutate into an advertising machine, repeating “Join so-and-so Guild today! * 1 NP Auctions! * Newbie Packs! * Friendly Members!” over and over like a broken record.

In this aspect, my dear owner did not suffer too heavily, but yours may not be as lucky! Remember, it is not your poor owner’s fault, but rather, the evil meepit who is pulling the strings. The meepits do this to bring in fresh blood to the guilds. They are parasites, I tell you, and as such, they must have a constant supply of new hosts.

What goes on behind closed doors? Well, since none of us Neopets have ever been allowed inside a guild, we can only guess at the horrors that take place inside. You’ve all seen the messages posted on the doors of private guilds: “Sorry. You are not a member of this guild!” Now think. Suppose these guilds are in fact as harmless as they pretend to be. Then they wouldn’t need to have these “Keep Out!” warnings, now would they? What would they have to hide? They are clear signs that something is amiss inside.

“What can I do?” you ask? By following these tips, you will be helping thwart the meepits’ conspiracies, and simultaneously, protecting your family and home.

1. Keep your owner away from the Guild Board. This place is a breeding ground for the meepit secret societies, full of enticing offers that will tempt your owner. They may say they have warm, friendly atmospheres, or adoption agencies, or monthly activities for active members, or whatever, but remember this: they are all empty promises concocted to lure your owner into a trap! Don’t take the risk by venturing into this enemy ground in the first place!

2. Spread the word! The more people who are made aware of the situation, the better! Show this article to your classmates at Neoschool. Tell your siblings, your neighbors, your great-aunt’s cousin’s teacher’s plumber’s social worker’s brother! It doesn’t matter who, but we must raise the alarm!

3. If you know or suspect your owner has fallen victim to a guild, tie them up before they run off to another guild meeting, and call your local Meepit Control Center. If you find your owner has chewed through the ropes by the time you come back from your call... er... sit down and pray. And use chains the next time.

4. If you have broken through to your owner and have liberated them from the meepits’ grasp, your owner will likely be traumatized after the experience. Be as supportive as you can and help them through this crisis. Calling a psychiatrist may not be the best idea, as meepit-traumatized victims have been known to drive their psychiatrists to psychiatrists. Which will surely only make your owner more distressed.

5. If you have a feepit, keep it nearby at all times! Fyora bless these little critters. They seem to be the only things that work against meepits. If you don’t have a feepit, what are you waiting for?! Go buy one for yourself, and then maybe a few more for your siblings and friends. They will act as your first line of defense, and will warn you when meepits are nearby, as my dear feepit Tori has done on several occasions.

Now, as this article comes to a close, I have a few closing words to share. I ask you all to be careful. These are dangerous times, and if we are to rise and triumph over the meepits, we must band together. United we stand, divided we fall. The meepits will not take Neopia! We will not allow it!