An Interview With the Tiki Tack Man

But just who is the Neopian behind the mask? What funny quirks does this jolly fellow portray, and what are his hobbies? I managed to hunt down the elusive character in his break from unexplainable generosity and interviewed him. Unfortunately, I'd been crawling through various tropical bogs and pits of quicksand, ignoring the path that ran parallel to my quicker, more important route. Therefore, I was dripping in various goo and noxious smelling liquid.

Me: Hello!

Tombola Guy: AAAAAAAAAH! MEUKA!

Me: Umm... who?

Tombola Guy: MEUKATHESNOTMEEPIT... WHOWILLGIVEMEANINFECTIOUSDISEASE!

Me: No, I'm a NT writer-

Tombola Guy: A small improvement, I suppose. I take it you came here for an interview?

Me: Yeah-

Tombola Guy: Make it snappy, I have to get back to work in ten minutes.

Me: Okay! I think the most pressing question is this: why have you dedicated your life to giving Neopians random gifts in an act of unprecedented generosity?

Tombola Guy: I'm not big on long words, sonny. Well, I suppose what it comes down to is the fact that every Neopian has some sort of goal they want to achieve that involves those old Neopoint things. 'Pparently, what I hand out can be worth quite a lot. Also, it's a nice feeling to see their faces light up with joy. 'S also very funny when they run off to their shops an' trip over an upturned root and land flat on their face.

Me: Err, okay. How do you get the prizes you hand out to all the hopefuls who visit you?

Tombola Guy: Well, 'snot too hard really. The small dainty prizes like the olives, I just get from the trading post at real low rates. If you buy olives in bulk you can get them for a few hundred so called 'Neopoints'. I don't really get how it works, but bein' famous helps too. The codestones, though, are a nightmare. It costs an arm anna leg to get one of those, so I'd just shimmy over the wall behind the Training School and take some from there. They seem to have enough.

Me: Isn't that considered stealing?

Tombola Guy: Well, in my eyes, it's like borrowing without the intent to give them back. Sure, those Nimmos over there get pretty miffed when they find a patch of their land all dug up, and I have tussled with Ryshu every now and then, but he always loses.

Me: Isn't he a trained ninja?

Tombola Guy: Well, he is mighty good with a sword, but I just sit on him until he gives up. And sonny, ninjas don't exist.

Me: I see. So, how do you retrieve the bottled faeries?

Tombola Guy: I am in no way in league with Balthazar. Next question.

Me: Right. Of course. Years ago, you were kidnapped by a crazed ravening lunatic witch doctor. Just how did that feel? If you feel you're not too mentally scarred, could you please tell the Neopian public of your ordeal?

Tombola Guy: Oh, yeah, I remember something like that. To be honest, it wasn't too bad, the food was okay and the bed was a nice straw number that worked wonders for the bad back I was suffering from at the time. The only real annoyance I was suffering was that angry little witch doctor constantly muttering about 'source codes'. He used to write gibberish on the walls with crayon and constantly change what he wrote. 'Pparently, it was for some plot thing. I don't want to judge, but he had some weird hobbies.

Me: So, you actually had an enjoyable time?

Tombola Guy: Hey, the Tiki Tour Guide soon popped along to join the fun, and I had a merry time with him, reliving old times. Unfortunately, the old Techo Master was kidnapped soon after I was. He sorta wanted to talk to me about his steady loss of codestones.

Me: I expect you sat on him?

Tombola Guy: Heh, I wish. I've never seen a Neopet use a piece of wood so swiftly! I was a black 'n blue lump before I could blink twice! Ever since, I decided to begin Battledoming and strut my stuff!

Me: Wha? You fight in the Battledome?

Tombola Guy: Yes, sonny. You've never seen the one player fight list and seen the old 'Tiki Tack Man'?

Me: You're the Tiki Tack Man?

Tombola Guy/ Possible Tiki Tack Man: Uh... yeah. Wait, you didn't even know my name? What kind of writer are you? What have you been calling me?

Me: Umm... Tombola Guy. Sorry. I didn't realise...

Tiki Tack Man: You really need to research more, you know. Aw, who cares, call me Tombola Guy if you wish. I've been called worse. Damn that Techo Master.

Me: Nevertheless, I apologise. So, as time drags on, I must ask you my final question. Just what are your hobbies?

Tombola Guy: Well, I do like to kick back with some Gadgadsgame, but that can get pretty repetitive. Usually, I just find new ways to break into the Training School and sometimes mooch around the Lost City of Geraptiku in hope of finding some new weapon or something. It's pretty laid back on this island, so I don't really get up to much.

Me: It sounds quite idyllic, actually.

Tombola Guy: Yeah, it's not too bad. I like to relax with the Tiki Tour Guide on the beach and drink a jug of fresh lemonade (you can buy this at the Tropical Food shop, a real treat), and reminisce of old times. Sometimes you feel you just want to become part of the island and live a life of peace. Other times, you wake up and just feel like rushing off to the Battledome and bashing a poor Neopian into the dust.

Me: You seem like a very relaxed and secure person. It's been pleasant talking to you.

Tombola Guy: No problem sonny. Hey, why don't you come back here when it gets dark? I could show you the sights and hotspots!

I immediately dropped my pen and told my agent to cancel my ticket off the island. The rest of the night was amazing.

If only he hadn't insisted on taking me to the Battledome afterwards.