The RIGHT Way to Spend the Holidays

     What do you mean I don’t sound like the real Kayixu? What do you MEAN I sound more like some kind of alien imposter? WHAT do you MEAN I wouldn’t know the first thing about how to celebrate? I know plenty. All you’ve gotta do is loosen up your brain cells a little bit. Come on; it’s not like you’re putting them to use.

     Now then…

     Tip number 1: Some Light Arson

     We’ll start things off nice and simple: all you’ll need for this little exercise is some fuel and a match. Not even that if you’ve the most basic grasp of pyrokinesis. Don’t think I don’t see all you fire faeries out there! I do. I see you. Right now. I’m in your pantry right now, eating all your snacks.

     Choose a spot in your yard. Or someone else’s yard. Or if you don’t have immediate access to a yard of some sort, you can go out to the local park, or just out into the wilderness. All of Neopia is your yard if you’re not too chicken to use it. What do you mean by “what’s a chicken?” Oh right. Neopia. What-wait, if your planet has no chickens, then what’s with all your chicken products? WHAT HAVE I BEEN EATING, YOU NEOPIAN MANIACS? *ahem* Anyway…

     Take your fake trees, your real trees, your shiny little baubles, and all those pointless cards from people you don’t even like… and burn it all to the ground! Ignite a flame so magnificent that the Beings Who Watch From Beyond The Stars will see it! Keep the fire going until there’s nothing left of your nonsense but ashes. Your old life is over now. Out with the sanity and in with the madness of eldritch truth. Surrender your mind to the throes of- well, get rid of all that junk at least.

     Tip number 2: The PROPER Way to Give Gifts

     So, you’re probably wondering: now that I’ve completed the first step, what’s next on the agenda? And if you weren’t thinking that, then you lose. That was a test, and you failed. The penalty is that I revoke your internal organ privileges. If the rest of the class will hold on for just one second… There! Now that we’ve eliminated some weak links…

     Well, you guys call this winter holiday the “Day of Giving,” and frankly I’m too lazy to come up with a new name. SO! What we’re going to do is learn the art of giving… your enemies a headache!

     What use is there in giving gifts to people who already like you? None. No use at all! So, what you weird little creatures are going to do instead is give them to the people you despise most. Think of those neighbours who try to tell you you can’t paint your OWN house a lovely neon pink. Think of the coworker who borrows your pens without ever giving them back. Think of those people in the grocery store who block the aisle completely with both their carts and themselves and make direct eye contact with you as you approach only to not let you pass, as if they’re asserting their nonexistent authority over you when all you’re trying to do is BUY YOUR FREAKING CEREAL.

     Make a list. Check it four times. Ready? Now, go out and buy them something you’d really like to see them have to deal with! Or steal it. Stealing it is better and much more fun.

     Tip number 3: Summon a- OH NO THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS!

     Why hello there! This is the Ghost of Christmas Mayhem speaking! I am but a humble Kacheek spirit who’s taken up the task of dealing with those who would steal your holiday cheer. While I can’t guarantee that this little troublemaker won’t bother you again, she should be well out of the way for now. So, I suppose I will finish this dreary little document with some proper advice for the holidays.

     There are many families spanning the lovely and colorful world of Neopia, and with so many different families and cultures come many unique ways to celebrate the Day of Giving.

     Some families like to go all out, decking their Neohomes with grand displays of decorations. A giant tree, stockings stuffed with magical paint brushes, and a roaring fire crackling away in the fireplace. There’s a huge get-together in which a long-distance family comes to join as one, catch up, and remind one another how loved and valued they are.

     Some families prefer to do things a little quietly, with just a nice dinner and some time spent with family and friends. Perhaps they watch a movie, talk, and simply enjoy each other’s presence.

     And others still have traditions completely different! There are so many ways to celebrate a holiday or not participate at all if you so wish. However you do things this year, as long as you’re harming no one, is lovely. Don’t let some random space idiot tell you what to do.

     Many Neopians may feel pressured to do something grand. Something flashy. Something to post for everyone else to see how glamorous you are. If that is a fun time for you, go for it! But if it stresses you out, this old spirit encourages you to rethink your approach.

     The holidays are a time of great joy for many. And if you’re perhaps feeling more melancholy than anything else, fret not. It’s okay to just feel your feelings; you don’t have to try and force anything! If all you do is curl up with some hot chocolate, if all you’ve got planned is work, or if you spend the Day of Giving getting some much-needed sleep and nothing more, it’s all okay!

     In the end, there’s no right way to do these sorts of things. I would know; I’ve been around since Neopia was just a baby! However you spend this time, I will be cheering you on.

     Unless you decide to commit arson. Don’t do that.

     Happy holidays!

     - Ghost of Christmas Mayhem