Finding My Wings

     She never felt anyone who shared this feeling. That only made her feel worse and more alone. She continued her studies, her blessings, her help around Faerieland and such. Whatever was asked of her she did.

     Nothing ever managed to feel right no matter how hard she tried. Everything always made her feel some degree of worse instead of better. She tried to hide it the best she could, although she assumed the other faeries picked up on it because they were never sure how to talk to her. They could tell she was different too. Sometimes it felt like they could see into her soul and knew what was wrong with her but refused to tell her, just whisper about her. Other times it felt that they didn’t want to deal with the dark cloud over her head. And other times it seemed they were afraid of falling into that hole inside her and getting ruined themselves. So she mostly kept to herself and she was okay with that. Queen Fyora saw something in her though and would often take extra time to assist her with her ability studies or anything else that was troubling her. Even still she never let the Queen know how anxious she was or what an imposter she was. To tell the Queen she was wrong would be insulting at best. She felt it was important to keep the peace and act like she was fine with herself. She seemed to have the right Neopians fooled. If only she knew how to fool herself.

     Jordan didn’t think she was ugly necessarily but the Jordan in the mirror never looked like the Jordan she felt like. She wasn’t sure why or how though. Where was this disconnect lurking and where did it stem from? She had often wondered if it was simply because of her element. Was she the wrong element? Would she be happier as a water faerie? Light? Dark? She really had no idea. Was she even meant to be a faerie at all? Queen Fyora said so multiple times as she struggled through her studies in the early days at Faerie Academy. The Queen would never lie. She was the right element and born to be a faerie. She assumed that she would never know or that one day everything would just magically make sense when she got older. Maybe it was not even important to know and she was just overthinking as she often did. She was scared of the responsibility that comes with being a faerie and downright terrified of the power that comes with it, knowing that Neopets all over not only look up to you but depend on you to find their own strength. That had to be it. She needed to overcome that fear and learn to be strong for others. Then it would all make sense. She tried doing more things that scared her in general like snorkelling in Maraqua but all that did was give her new skills. The anxiety never left.

     She kept at her studies and kept her head down, never revealing her insecurities or anxieties to anyone. She thought if she was a star student that might fill the hole in her life; it never did, but she did make straight As and other faeries were often told they “should be more like Jordan” which she hated. She thought less faeries should be like her, so self-loathing and full of doubt.

     Once she graduated from Faerie Academy she realised she had to go to work and there would be no time for trying to fill the hole, clear the cloud, whatever you want to call it. She was going to be busy. She was destined to collect clothes from Neopets that wanted more strength. She did enjoy helping and watching Neopets get stronger and more confident; although she did yearn for that same level of confidence herself. She enjoyed getting to know Neopets and Neopians of all ages and abilities. It made her feel important, but there was still something empty in her that never went away. She thought the more she would help the better she would feel. She did to some degree. However there was this constant empty hole that just seemed to live deep within her coupled with a dark cloud that loomed over her. It felt as if everyone could see these things but were trying not to talk about them. But she kept collecting and blessing as she was destined to do.

     Jordan often tried to explain her feelings away with anything logical that fit in the confines of the acceptable Neopian worldview. There was no need to change norms or push boundaries. Not only was that for more confident individuals. Plus there is a long established order and tradition when it comes to being an elemental faerie that was an honour to be part of all things considered. To go against it would make a mockery of it, perhaps of even Queen Fyora herself. She would never disrespect the Queen even if it came at great cost to herself. Which it did. So even when Jordan was feeling her worst she would stuff down her anxiety and smile. She was a faerie after all and many Neopians depended on her. That had to count for something, there was no time to waste on being anxious. Or upset. Or angry. Just happy, kind, and above all grateful. That’s what she kept telling herself anyway.

     But through it all she never could shake the little nagging voice about her being wrong. If only that voice would shut up or at least say what exactly it was that was wrong. The voice was too vague. Jordan needed answers – real ones. She either needed to know what was wrong with her or learn how to overcome her anxiety. All the support from Queen Fyora and those back in school did mean a lot but unfortunately no matter how hard she tried it was just never enough for her. That made her feel worse; not only would she be letting herself down but she would be letting others that cared for her down.

     One day Jordan had heard that Neopets could and would have the Lab Ray Scientist change their gender after a particularly chatty Ixi came to visit. Soon it was all she could think about. She began asking more about their experiences and feelings on the subject. Sometimes it made them feel like everything they felt was wrong with them was instantly fixed but sometimes it would make the reverse happen. Jordan wondered if that could help her. Faeries can’t change their gender – that’s silly because they’re faeries. Or… was it? She actually never considered that; to her it was always a given faeries were female. She couldn’t possibly conceive of a world with male faeries. None existed after all. She had no other guidance or anyone to turn to, and all the other faeries seemed quite content with themselves as they were so there was no real need to rock that boat. So she kept collecting and blessing and trying to not think about it.

     But she kept thinking about it. Things started to make sense. She started to realise was always pulled towards things that were traditionally male by all accounts. She was told that made her a tom-boy, but what if made her a boy-boy? Was this the answer she had always been seeking? Or was it another futile exercise in confronting her anxiety and inner turmoil? No matter how many times she tried to stuff the thought back down it would find ways to come up again and it would make her smile. Nothing made her smile.

     After months of this back and forth Jordan decided she would have to gain the courage to speak to Queen Fyora herself about this. The Queen would be able to put her head on straight as she often does. That would finally get this foolishness out of her head and she could focus on collecting and blessing in full.

     Or would she approve of such a request? Would she help? Would she even understand what this meant? The Queen was the most elegant and beautiful female Neopia has ever known. There was no way she could understand this type of request or thought process.

     On the other hand, Fyora was known to be kind and empathetic. Maybe she could not understand completely, but she would be able to understand in some capacity. Was she as all knowing as she seemed and would truly understand Jordan? Or would she just be excited about the new opportunities this could open up for faeries and Faerieland?

     She let her mind entertain the possibility for a little longer and realised what she had to do.

     So off she went to Queen Fyora and her tower, hoping to get to the bottom of all that had haunted her for so long. This truly gave her hope for the first time in her life. She allowed herself to not only hope – but dream.

     She hoped a simple visit to a mad scientist could fix all of her problems once and for all.

     Or… could it really be…

     Fix his problems?

     To be continued…