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The Villain’s Editorial


by june_scarlet

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Art by june_scarlet

Hey, so, I was on the Pound Chat, and this person was trying to trade their pet, but they were saying it was more valuable because it had a rare petpet. Could you please, please clarify if this is against the rules or not? ~neopetsrulesforeverandever

This is very much against the rules, as you can only– *crashing noises* Hold on a second, what was that?

*crashes through the wall carrying a giant pen* Behold, I, the evil Dr. Cavus, am taking over this pathetic editorial! Mwahahaha!

Ahh! *runs out of the room*

I knew you were trouble when you walked in.

Let's see. It's an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, and a pet for a pet! No earning Neopoints on side accounts! We're glad you liked the petpet/color/event/whatever-it-was we released this week! We're sorry you didn't like the petpet/color/event/whatever-it-was we released this week! Blah blah blah, random stuff!

GOOD NIGHT mr.coconut

And now that we've got all that out of the way, let's get down to the questions that have long been ignored. That's right, I have for you today the questions sent in by the villains of Neopia over the years. Important questions that until now have been overlooked. But today, they finally get their place in the light! Behold! The Villains' Editorial!

Bwahahahaha!

I demand a *popcorn* smiley! It would be the perfect thing to accompany me while I watch the drama ensue on the Neoboards after I finally defeat Judge Hog and prove to the world what kind of evil genius I am!!! ~Mr. Chuckles

Why so serious, Mr. Chuckles? Hahaha, I'm just teasing with you. I don't know about your evil planning skills, but that smiley idea alone makes you an evil genius! I'll see if I can't take over the smiley-making department after I'm done with the Editorial.

RAWR! ~The Snowager

Luckily, I speak Snowagerish, and can tell you our icy friend wonders what happened to his things as he hibernated during December. Sorry, Snowy, word got out you decided to take a nap, and everyone and their Altachuck decided to steal your stuff. While I admire their less-than-honest methods, I understand your pain. You should spend the entire year plotting your revenge, and collect nacho cheese, tar, icing, and double-sided tape, and then set them all around your lair, and then while you sleep, the would-be thieves would get caught in all that sticky stuff, and then when you wake up, you can blast them all at once! Mwahahah! It's brilliant, I tell you, brilliant!

Don't worry, the first evil plot is free-of-charge.

My Dearest Neostaff,

Pardon the intrusion, but I wish to make an inquiry. Why is it that Petpets are not currently available in the color Baby? Baby is a most delightful color, and while I do appreciate that all Neopets can now be graced with a youthful visage, Petpets are sadly missing out on a most wonderful opportunity. Please do correct this most grievous of errors as soon as you are able.

Sincerely,

~Boochi

Of course! Cute, baby petpets are the most evil of things! Imagine, just when you thought a snowbunny couldn't get any cuter, you see the baby version! Just think of the crimes you could pull off while everyone stopped to say, "Aww..."

What exactly is it that the Faeries do for Neopia? ~Xandra

Whoa, check out the date on this one, this was way before she became a villain. Well, I don't know how much this'll help you, what with you being a statue and all, but Faeries give out quests that help out Neopets, and the Soup Faerie feeds the hungry, and they somehow keep the Wraiths at bay.

In other words, they completely ruin everything I work towards, it's a pity you got petrified.

The time is upon us, the darkness turns to light and then to darkness again. I have seen the future, and the future smiles like a ray of sunshine. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about, I've been stuck inside an Obelisk for a thousand years. ~The Oracle

... I have no idea what you're trying to ask here, JubJub- Kiko-, pft, whatever you are. But hey, while you're here, I just wanted to compliment you on the wonderful scheme you pulled. You've got some of the most powerful people in Neopia eating right out of your hand, you've got them battling for your sinister purpose in exchange for simple boons. Nay, in exchange for the simple chance of getting a single boon for a week. I bow to your evilness, the factions are now nothing more than your puppets.

The Oracle playing with some of her favorite new toys

How long did it take Jeran to fall to his death from Darigan Citadel? ~Lord Kass

Get with the times, Kass, he didn't die, he was saved by one of those interfering Faeries, Psellia. She used her air magic to slow his descent or something, so he survived when you pushed him over the edge. Here's a tip for all you budding villains: Unless you saw it for yourself, don't assume anything.

I was playing dress-up with some of my friends, and like had this totally awesome idea! You should totally make a new mirror wearable! It would be sooo cute! Everyone would love them so much, because it'd show them their true beauty! ~Vira

Wait a minute, aren't mirrors like your thing? You give people mirrors, and they look at them, and they see themselves change from beautiful to ugly, and then the mirror whispers to them that there's but a single way to get their beauty back? Presumably from you? I smell an evil plot in the making here!

Is it true that the Heart of the Mountain can grant eternal life? ~Galem

I can't seem to find exact data on this rare gem that you so desperately sought, however, as far as I can tell, it does grant eternal life after a fashion. It freezes people, and you can stay frozen like that indefinitely, the Bori race was frozen for many years. So yeah, technically you can call that eternal life, but I mean, you're frozen, you can't do anything at all, it really wasn't worth all the trouble you put into it. If only TNT had answered this question, the whole fate of Neopia might have changed.

Taking over the Editorial, Dr. Cavus? That's a new low. ~Ronjono

What?! How'd this get in there?! Well, little Miss Defender of Neopia, I'd like to see you try and stop me!

*steps out of the Shadows* I'm right here.

... Uh-Oh.

Noooooooo! You can't take me away! I wasn't even finished yet, there were so many questions yet to be answered, and Dr. Frank Sloth himself requested that the editorial be finished with a picture that I'm pretty sure contained hypnotic suggestions!

Don't listen to him. Remember to stay in Neoschool, kids!

Tch! Neoschool doesn't even exist!

But the Editorial must end somehow!

There, now let's go! *drags Dr. Cavus away*

It's Saskia's teapot! The one lost in an Evil Dimension? Oh, nevermind...

**HAPPY THOUGHTS**

Special thanks to Just a Couple of Writers and The Plotters for helping me with this parody, and to The Neopets Team, who thrill and astonish us each week by answering our numerous questions in the editorial ~june_scarlet

 
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