For an easier life Circulation: 192,171,935 Issue: 634 | 28th day of Awakening, Y16
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Neopians Claim Oracle is Evil

by parody_ham


Also by homsar_eggplant

TYRANNIAN BATTLEGROUNDS: This morning, the oracle of the obelisk was sighted doing "something suspicious." Neopians have been seen running about in circles at the battlegrounds, shouting about the end of the world as we know it. All are cautioned to remain as far away from the site as possible.

Some claim that the oracle of the obelisk is a menace to Neopian society, that she could pose a threat. Our team explored this concept and interviewed a multitude of obelisk battlers about their opinions of the events and rumors.

What started as a normal Tyrannian day turned chaotic when the oracle summoned swarms of spirits embodying the Six Deadly Acts, henceforth referred to as the SDAs. These SDAs were described by many eyewitness accounts. We chose to interview one of them, a Baby Acara that the team decided to call Finklestine. He had been fighting alongside of his owner, Sherry, when the "potentially malevolent events" occurred.

When pressed for comments, Finklestine said, "Goo, gaga GAH," between bouts of tears. "Gagah ooh lala." We handed him a rattle and moved on to his human, a freckled girl with long red hair.

When questioned, Sherry's body was covered in bright yellow, glowing runes. She kept pointing to the spire; white eyed and shaking, the human claimed that "horrible things had happened." When pressed for more, she slumped into our reporter's hands and has not woken up since. Her diagnosis, on-site doctors claim, is a sickness they call "The Glows." These marks, they say, are doing dastardly things on the molecular level. They postulate that these rune marks have a significant chance of permanently rewriting her genetic code. In response, she has been given medicine to deal with her unwashed stench, as the human has been allegedly battling for over a week with little break. Such medicine will manage her other symptoms as well, they assert. Doctors know best.

A collective of sentient plants including a sombrero wearing cactus and a smattering of various sized shrubbery said more of the same. The placard hanging around the cactus' spiny branches read, "Neoplant Bob."

After hours of pressing the well-dressed plant, he responded in song and made the following observation: "Beede-dah bah-bah-bah. Dee-dee-bah bah-bah-ba-pow. Wahaaaa-ha-ha." At the end of his performance, Neoplant Bob's sombrero flew away when a strong gust whipped past. Instead of chasing the runaway hat, he proceeded to ask for tips. Until more than half of our reserves were given to the singing plant, he barraged us with musical hits from the band Sticks N' Stones.

Updated: 3:45pmNST, the 27th day of Celebrating.

We have now received word that members of the Neopian secret underground organization, "The Sway," would be willing to comment if we joined their "distinguished guild." Some of the staff is set to inform us on the progress of their interview. They were reported wearing black robes while frolicking in the Tyrannian heat. Dramatic instances of chess have been reported being played by these individuals—including staff members—often accompanied with slow, heavily accented music and extreme close ups. When asked to stop, they turned their noses into the air and muttered words about torturing non-members.

Three staff positions are now available, so apply today. Do not miss this once in a life time opportunity, it may never come again.

After hours of fruitless searching, although we did find a tantalizingly juicy pile of carrots in the middle of the desert, we turned to what some Neopians call, "the fanciest band of scientists in all of Neopia." A plump, curly-wigged red Gnorbu responded to our pleas to interview the lot, all while holding a pocket watch in one hand and a cup of steaming tea in the other.

"Indubitably, good sir," he said of the incident, pinky lifted decisively over the porcelain container. "In the months that we have been fighting, we have written countless books documenting the affairs at the obelisk. More, I dare say, than most others ever will." After fiddling with his spectacles he continued, but not before flattening his robes down with the pocket watch. "The Oracle works like a puppet master and makes the uncivilized duke it out whilst my distinguished colleagues and I write our theses. We get involved on occasion, but only when necessary to preserve good research material."

After we promised to review his next novel, To Be a Scholar Amongst a Band of Uneducated Rabble, he elaborated on his theories. He was asked what might be the cause of these "very bad happenings."

"According to my research, she is a light spirit who gains her immortality by draining the hatred from those ruffians below us." He took another sip of tea, although the cup appeared to be empty. "We've theorized these soul stealing appendages capable of absorbing negative emotions to be 'tentacles of light.' That name was my invention, I modestly announce. Quite eldritch in nature, yes. According to months of statistical analyses, we have concluded a possible correlation between malevolence and giant, floating light spirits."

He refused to comment on the SDAs, claiming them to be a scientific impossibility. It's hard to argue with science. Really, we've tried. Even after the affairs at the obelisk, gravity still exists in Tyrannia according to scientists who tested their theories by pushing one another off the nearby cliffs. No injuries were reported.

A lanky, lab-coat-wearing Techo who refused to be named was wearing googly eyed glasses and a knee-length lab coat when interviewed. He claims that Professor Lambert is an unreliable source and proceeded to stick his tongue out towards the Seeker's golden dirigible.

"Impossibility!?" the Techo blurted while flailing his arms about and nearly running into a robotic Meepit labeled 'Junior Two.' "NOTHING is impossible within the bounds of SCIENCE!" In excitement, he twirled around. Amidst the chaos, various glowing vials flew out of his coat pockets and smashed into nearby Neopians. When struck, they grew big, bushy beards. The Techo briefly stopped to observe the calamity, "Hmm, that's a new one!" before turning back towards the interviewer.

"As I was saying, it seems that our 'Oracle' friend is an interdimensional being capable of manipulating creatures from parallel realities! You see, the SDAs are really just Neopians caught between two planes of existence! One where they died and another where they still live, thus making the poor fools very, very confused! Think of it like having barbeque and ice cream sundaes separately... except now, you swap the barbeque sauce and chocolate sauce! The consequence of such a reaction could cause paradoxes capable of causing a Neopian apocalypse!"

Our interviewer claimed to be too dumbfounded to speak, causing their interviewee to storm off, ranting something about "commonfolk not understanding super-SCIENCE."

Others have said that the monsters were able to shoot light out of their eyes and propel fire from their breath. No conclusive evidence has been found yet in regards to these claims.

The next interview target was the elusive head of the thieves' guild. It proved difficult to maneuver the grounds when dozens of war protestors lined the perimeters. More than half of them held signs bearing the words, "we are protesting," but others held up picket fences, a tire, and one well-dressed Ixi with a handlebar mustache brandished a highly decorated sign written in bold red font. It said, "picket sign." After all of their petitions had been signed, one of our undercover agents took to searching for the elusive thieves.

Updated: 2:54pm NST, the 1st day of Awakening.

An underground staircase was located today in the middle of the desert. It was found near a large, flashing arrow that pointed to a sign that resembled a brightly colored coffee cup. It was labeled with the words, "Secret Thieves Guild Lair." After trading our socks for entry passes at the door, Kanrik came forward to be interviewed. He rolled his eyes when asked about the Oracle's nature.

"Of course she's evil!" the scarred Gelert snarled, pointing to his rune marks, "but that makes the obelisk even more valuable. Possessed, glowing obelisks sell far better on the black market than regular glowing obelisks. It's a well known fact." The others, cloaked figures wearing glitter and sock puppets on their hands, nodded in agreement. "Oh, and while we are on the subject, that equipment looks rather nice. It might even be worth enough to buy Hannah some new dresses for the holidays." When the team chortled at his apparent affection for the Usul, he whipped a long, purple cloak over his face, hiding it in shadows. His hand flexed as he swiped a dagger from a nearby thief and held it up to our reporter's neck. "Stop laughing!"

Kanrik's guild of bandits proceeded to filch the team of their equipment leading them to write this report from memory. When asked for compensation, they forced the team out of the lair, but not before alleviating us of our "heavy, golden burdens. And shoes. And that hat as well." They thanked us for our patronage.

The Brute Squad saw the "ragtag crew" and allowed an exclusive interview around their campfire. A giant slab of meat dangled from the fire, juices dripping into the flames. Eyewitness accounts said it "looked delicious" and "made their mouth water."

"Eh, so maybe the Obelisk is cursed," said Commander Flint with a shrug, stuffing a large chunk of meat into his mouth, "but she can't curse us. We're far too strong and muscular for that."

The Brutes proceeded to flex their bulging muscles, some of which appeared to have names. 'Little Justice' was the name given to Flint's fist. He spoke to it on occasion.

"Sometimes I am asked why we entered this war," he started in a low grumble, cradling his fist. Flint's beard flowed freely in the wind where he stood. "The reason is obvious: my little friend here told me that he hungered for justice. For where there is evil afoot, good and honor must take its place! Less talk, more fight, I always say. And each time we fight, I tell my friend, 'go for the eyes, Little Justice! Go for the eyes!'" After his speech, all of the surrounding Brutes held their fists high in the air, shouting various names that are assumed to be related to their 'little friends.'

The Commander growled when later asked if the meat was for sampling purposes. He claimed it to be for honorable warriors—such as "Little Justice"—only. One of the team claimed himself worthy of a slice and challenged a brawny, pony-tailed Kyrii we named Bim to a show of strength. The reporter is in stable condition and is expected to awaken within the year. Bionic arms have been ordered for the occasion from Sloth's Bodybuilding Emporium, metallic teeth placed in his mouth, and a robotic wig affixed to his head to cover the bald spot. All of the above items are courtesy of our sponsor, the SBE, "a leader in top of the line evil since year 1."

Tired of wasting time and losing staff members, we went directly to the source. She frowned at our approach, claiming us to be unworthy of receiving her gifts. One of the crew did not heed her warning and opened up the large wooden door standing at the foot of the tower. A slithering beam of light spiraled down the obelisk and wrapped around our agent. After five or so seconds of shrill screams, he collapsed to the ground. Soon after, he arose with a shambling gait, muttering something about "brains" as well as "sending more cops."

The brain noshing undead reporter attempted to give chase, but he was distracted by a shimmering fireball launched from the wand of Rasala the Bright. She curtly apologized, claiming she did not mean to almost fry the team. Reporters claim that she had been following us for miles. All the while, she had been fixing her hat and hair. She made a dramatic pose while spells continued to fire in all directions.

"Sometimes fire is a very effective method of persuasion," she explained with a manic grin. "It doesn't always work, but when it does, it has explosive success. And besides, who doesn't love a good barbeque?"

No one could argue with that logic. She would not let us.

With the zombie captured and all of the data now catalogued and ready to print, we set to publishing this story. The Awakened's newest recruit said little other than a few muttered words, even after being bound and tied up. It seems, however, that two little Wockies with Zombie-radar managed to find the crew huddled around a bag of dried health food. Dismayed by our consumption of healthy, non-cake related products, they set to attacking the group. After two crewmen were bitten by some of our zombie staff's new friends, the crew unanimously decided to abandon the project.

More news will come in a follow up article. As of now, it is urged that Neopians keep far away from the obelisk, its singing plants, and its legion of "evil" spirits. For that matter, experts recommend that all Neopians remain in their homes for the rest of their lives to reduce the likelihood of disease contraction or being cursed. But stay especially far away from any and all catacombs. You never know what could be in those.

Stay ever vigilant, Neopia. Your safety depends on it.

Lena is a veteran journalist for the Neopia Central World News, a leading source in delivering only the facts since Year 1.

Author's Note: A huge thank you to all of my Just a Couple of Writers friends for your continued support and friendship! I wouldn't be here without you.

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