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What To Do If Your Pet Is An Evil Villain


by seahorsepond

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“Look! A brand new Dr. Sloth toy was released!”

Before you can look up and see which of your precious pets said that, your gallery has been filled to bursting with I *heart* Sloth T-shirts and green sock puppets.

Or maybe you’ve found your Xweetok’s detailed plans for turning us all into mindless slaves (I’d tell you what they are, but Fluffy sent her minions after me last time I thwarted her vile plotting).

Whatever happened, you are now absolutely certain that your pet is an evil villain. There are many signs that could show that your pet is evil. Some are more certain than others, and I’ve compiled a list of the most common signs that your pet is evil.

Red Eyes

Glow in the dark red eyes. The only way you can know for certain that your pet is a villain is this clichéd style. Sure, some villains’ eyes aren’t red, but then it isn’t close to as much fun to glare at people.

The Gallery of Evil

If every day your pet “hangs out” at the Gallery of Evil, you should be warned. Sometimes a pet just sits there admiring the villains listed there, and sometimes they criticize the villains, saying what they would have done differently to achieve total domination of Neopia (bwahahahaha).

That “Bwahahahaha” of course, leads us to the last sign that your pet is evil:

Bwahahahaha

From the Games Room to the Book Shop, your Wocky has been laughing evilly nonstop. Sure, after getting too many funny looks from other owners you can tell Fuzzy to stop, but he won’t. Villains need to practice getting their vile cackle just perfect.

Are you now convinced that your pet is plotting the ultimate defeat of all Neopia and their own despotism?

If yes, continue reading to answer everyone’s favorite question: WHY?

You Painted/Morphed/Transmogrified It

If you don’t believe me on this, read the description of the Darigan paint brush. Even the Mystery Island brush has a warning label that reads “It doesn’t just change your color, it changes your whole attitude.” Tell me that is not creepy.

They Feel Sorry for the Villains

These pets are some of the nicest pets around. They feel sorry for the villains because everyone knows that the villains will never win. Who wouldn’t pity the poor character who does nothing but fail?

They’ve Been Fed Too Many Omelettes

According to recent scientific research by George the Scorchio (infamous owner of the secret laboratory), feeding your pet too many omelettes will turn their brains to omelette. In other words, you are what you eat and omelettes are evil (bwahahahaha)!

They Just Are

Only a few rare cases of this occur. In this situation, your pet is probably a monomaniac about world domination.

There are other reasons your pet could be evil. For some pets, it could just be the fad. Maybe all your Ruki is evil because all his friends are. I’m not going to list all the reasons here as I am too lazy.

Knowing your villain’s style can be a key element in defeating them or bribing them. Here are the normal categories that villains are:

Eccentric Egocentric

If Cuddles thinks she deserves a page (or two, or twenty) in the Gallery of Evil, she’s probably one of these. These pets tend to lean towards the “outer space” theme in their plans. This is because they always aim high and what is higher than outer space? You’ll probably see lasers and robots included in an eccentric egocentric’s plans. Example: Dr. Sloth

Mainly Insane

Whether your pet is a robot pet or not, they certainly have a screw loose. They aren’t ever successful with their plotting, but no-one really cares. These villains tend to be the favorite of everyone and usually have quite a few fans. Mainly insane pets are sure that they can rule Neopia... someday. Example: Dr. Sloth

Irreversibly Evil

These villains are the most likely to fail because they are the most likely to succeed. They are always careful in their plans; they think through every possible scenario. They get everything perfect and are actually a threat. That means they are the only ones to actually attract the heroes to defeat them. These villains have any number of styles, ranging from the “Terror Mountain” style to the “primitive” or “Tyrannian” styles. There’s no real pattern of styles, as long as it works. Example: Dr. Sloth

Obsessive-Compulsive Devotee

Like your Sweetie who keeps your gallery hostage whilst collecting all things Sloth, these pets are a pain. Their style is whatever villain they are obsessed with at the time and they tend to be spendthrifts. Before you can say, “Yum. Omelette,” you’re neopointless. Example: Dr. Sloth Fans (not that I’m one of them...)

By now you are probably on your knees begging me to tell you what to do (or you could be sitting and giggling like a maniac, take your pick).

First off, I think I should warn you: don’t tell your pet that they’ll never win. Unless of course, you’ve been tied with ropes or locked in a cage, in which case it’s only proper etiquette. You can’t if you’ve been gagged, but that’s Fluffycake’s problem.

The most obvious solution is to hire a hero to defeat your pet, but that is easier said than done. Heroes are expensive, and they may try to sell you souvenirs.

I would suggest playing the game “Kacheek Seek” with your pet until your eyes fall out. Sure, you’ll get bored, but your pet will do anything you say as long as you stop. Another thing you can do to the same effect is pelt your pet with omelettes.

Then again, there are some benefits to owning an evil villain. For example (as long as you are not still tied and gagged and locked in a cage), you can brag to anyone who will listen about how your pet makes Dr. Sloth look like the Happiness Faerie.

Now that you’ve read my little guide, you should know not to panic if your pet is an evil villain. Or if you learn that Dr. Sloth’s favorite food is omelette.

Bwahahahaha!

 
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