Evil Overlording For Dummies - The Secret Manuscripts of Dr. Frank Sloth: Part Three

by littlelysshu

World Domination Begins At Home

Evil overlords, as I'm sure you know, come in all shapes and sizes. Each one of these varieties has to start somewhere. This somewhere is, invariably, at "home." Now home can be anywhere from the traditional two-parent household complete with siblings and various experimental subjects, erm... that is house pets to the streets of some slimey urban wasteland. No matter what the home is, one thing is universally true. EVERY evil overlord worth his salt or various other spices has his "home" and all who live within it completely trampled under his sandaled feet by the time he is old enough to leave.

Most Evil Overlords-to-be realise their calling from the very cradle. We chafe at the confines of the crib, the baby carrier and even our own weak bodies. From infancy we desire to hold sway over those we feel are weaker, and therefore have no right to oppress us so cruelly. There are many things that can help with this, and can also leave the Evil Overlord-to-be free to pursue his or her experiments, studies or general debauched cruelty.

The first step is always to keep your mother in the dark. If your mother thinks you're "her little angel" you can get away with the wholesale abuse of the rest of the family and she'll always defend you. Or if you lack the patience for pretense, make sure that she is even more afraid of you than anyone else. I chose the second route personally since my mother was far too dimwitted to be of any use as a defender. She (and dear old Dad) did make quite a fine slug though…

If you are keeping your mother in the dark, it is vital to never get caught doing anything even remotely evil. However, you should get caught at a bit of harmless mischief now and again. This way anything that can be solidly pinned on you later on can be dismissed as "just a prank". Oh and if any new cousin or other distant relative comes into the family that might blow your cover be sure and find a way to dispose of him or her.

Now, once you have your mother in hand you can easily move on to the rest of the family. I highly recommend disposing of anyone who is strong, highly intelligent or intuitive. These people are the greatest threats to your dominance. Make sure anyone old enough to work is working very hard indeed. They will be too tired to notice anything that is going on within the old homestead.

Fear tactics are vital. Learn to make voodoo dolls out of your siblings' toys if at all possible. Perform gruesome surgeries on them as well. If your siblings object simply drop a line such as "I COULD use a live subject…" and I assure you you'll get no more nonsense.

When the time comes that you are ready for a live experimental subject, I do not recommend any household pet that will be missed. There's nothing more troublesome than your sister coming into your room and finding Mr. Chubbikins strapped down with electrodes after she's been placing reward signs for three weeks. Strays, however, are a readily available resource in most areas. (A note for working with animals: Use extra-strength latex gloves for handling...and make sure you've had your shots. Space Rabies can really ruin your day.)

Of course, everyone knows that your "home" isn't merely your house and immediate family. It is of utmost importance to extend your dominion to the school and neighbourhood as well. Now if you go to a public school, this may be hard to accomplish. The playgrounds abound with both solitary bullies and the pack-hunting varieties. However, with your superior intellect you should be able to find some path to dominion.

I personally recommend organising the school-yard thugs and lunch-money embezzlers. Make sure to make an example of anyone who crosses you. It's good practice for keeping your armies of slaves in line later on. This also works if you're at private school, though the bullies aren't usually as obvious. Rich kids don't seem to like to get their uniforms bloody. A well-organised school group can easily rule the student body. A well-staged junior coup can be a wonderful first step towards larger conquests.

Of course your school group can easily sweep the neighbourhood, especially if you're in an area with a lot of new families or retirees. Very little kids aren't much of a challenge…just be sure their parents don't see your actions. This is good practice for later stealth and battling tactics. Of course, retirees are the easiest.

That's all the advice I can give you about conquering your home and neighbourhood. To go into any further detail would be to write my own autobiography, which I plan to sell separately. Must not give away too many secrets at once, after all. But I will close with a few simple questions, to help you hone your evil-overlording skills:

1) Is it better to be thought as
a) Insane but brilliant
b) Just insane
c) A "devilish little scamp"
d) Just a devil

2) When preparing to do experiments it is best to use:
a) Your siblings' humanoid toys
b) Your siblings
c) NeoPets
d) Stray NeoPets
e) The first person to annoy you that day

Next week: Peace Through Superior Firepower...