Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 81,826,882 Issue: 154 | 20th day of Hiding, Y6
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Getting Stuffed About Stuffing Stuff In Your Mouth!


by sparky63428

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NEOPIA - Okay, before we start, answer this: What is the greatest danger in Neopia? Who or what is bent on world domination? Before you pelt me with rotten tomatoes saying that such stupid questions shouldn't be allowed in the Times, I'll give you a few options:
(A) Dr Sloth (aka Slothy)
(B) Lord Kass
(C) Lord Darigan
(D) Meepits
(E) White Weewoos
(F) An all-powerful race of mice-spiders who will immobilise human beings in giant webs in order to steal cheese
(G) Something else….

Okay, you've locked in your choice? Good. Now, let me go through the options. (A) Slothy…nah…the Kreludan war won't be until later. (B) Lord Kass…where is he? (C) Lord Darigan? He's signed a peace treaty with Meridell. (D)(E) Meepits and White Weewoos? Not yet…(F) Only in Borovan's dreams (G) If you guessed G, you are correct!!
Now, you may think of me as totally insane and that I should be locked up in Master Vex's dungeons, but let me finish this article first.

You're probably thinking: What can be more of a threat to Neopia right now than Dr Sloth and his evil plans for Kreludor?
(A) Sloth, duh!
(B) Stuff a sock in this insane author's mouth already!
(C) Who gives the stuff?

(Actually, none of the above is correct - I'm insane, okay? - but one of them comes close) The semi-correct answer is…………C! The thing that is more of a threat to Neopia now is…THE STUFF!

You may now be thinking…errr…this author's more insane than Mr. Insane, but wait! Let me tell you how devastating the stuff can be…

What is it?
It is THE STUFF!!

Where is it found?
Everywhere!! But it is sold in the ever so creepy Haunted Woods.

Who created this Stuff?
Nobody knows for sure…

And why does it pose a greater threat to Neopia than Dr Sloth?
It spreads like a plague across mountains and countryside to towns around Neopia. It doubles in size everyday and if something isn't done soon, the stuff will swallow Neopia whole!!

Errr…OK…And how can we stop…er…The Stuff?
The only way to stop The Stuff from world domination is getting your spoons out and eating it! Eat eat eat until there's none left!

Riiiightio…I wouldn't mind that…what does it taste like?
Urk…GROSS!! It may well be the grossest thing you will ever taste.

"Spreading like a plague across the mountains and countryside into a town near you…"

Okay, I've covered the basics. You are now panicking. You are thinking about how to attack The Stuff. You know it doesn't taste good, and you don't want to go near it. Think about this: if you don't go near it, The Stuff will double in size everyday until Neopia is covered with a giant pink blob…bigger than the jelly blobs of Doom! Before Slothy can say "Neopia is mine! MUHAHAHA!!!", Neopia will no longer exist as we know it.

How to fight The Stuff
Got you scared? Good. Now get your Neopets (and their petpets and petpetpets for that matter) and give yourself and them each a spoon. Go outside and find some Stuff. You may find it anywhere: in a dark corner, in your sock drawer, Meepit's juice pipe, under some Lucky Green Boots, who knows! Once you spot some Stuff, approach with caution. You could go up to it yourself, or if you're a scaredy-cat, send your Neopet first. The Stuff may jump at you, but don't worry! You've got the ultimate weapon: the Spoon! Dig your spoon right into the Stuff and dig out a chunk. (This is the part where you close your eyes and/or have some candy ready). Now that you and your pet/s have got The Stuff under control, eat it! Continue eating it until there's none left. If the taste is too foul, eat some candy, or eat some sweet food to get rid of the taste. Once you've done that, congratulations!! You are now a Stuffologist! You know what the Stuff is, who created it (or maybe not), where to find it, and how to attack it!

Keeping Neopia Stuff clean
Now that you're a Stuffologist, you can help keep Neopia Stuff clean. Warn others about the dangers of the Stuff and make sure you do your duties to "give a stuff about the Stuff!" Report any sightings of Stuff to the Defenders of Neopia and eat any Stuff you see on the ground (or in a tree)!

Conclusion
Now that I've done my job in telling all of you about the dangers of The Stuff, it is up to you to help save Neopia from the evil pink goo! Well, our time together is almost up, and you must be thinking one of two things:

1. "Aahh!!!! Neopia is under attack from The Stuff. I better fulfil my duties and eat The Stuff!"
Well done! Thank you for listening to me! You and I will save Neopia from being devoured by The Stuff! May you find a Baby Paint brush on the floor!

2. "What kind of crazy manic is this guy? The Stuff! Huh! As if that exists! Off to the dungeons with you, you crazy thing! You did say at the beginning of your article that I could send you to the dungeons…"
Nooo!! The truth! I'm telling the truth! Please, don't send me off to Master Vex! Arrrrggh!! Please, let me go! I can't spend the rest of my life in there…Okay okay, I'll tell you a secret if you let me go. There's a place called jelly world in the very distant corner of Neopia…
WHAT!! You don't believe me? Ask that Lupe over there, prisoner five, he'll tell you all…
NOOO!!! Don't leave! I'll never survive in the dungeons!!!

Further Reading
If you would like more information on The Stuff, search The Stuff up in the Neopedia or shop wizard.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:
(Depending on the option you chose for the conclusion, you may choose to read one (or both if you want) of the following.)
(1) Thank you for reading my article about the ever so destructive Stuff. I would appreciate any Neomails you may have about this article or about Neopets in general
(2) Please feel free to visit me in Master Vex's dungeon. While you're there, please give me the keys and get me out of here!
 
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