Now with 50% more useless text Circulation: 81,826,882 Issue: 154 | 20th day of Hiding, Y6
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When Hawkins Met Roxy

by buddy33774


It was around mid-morning, Friday, when a certain duo -- a green Kyrii and red Lenny, roommates -- decided to eat out for breakfast at a nearby diner, known ironically as The Nearby Diner.

     But more than just eating was going on in this diner. For, within a booth right under the front window, a battle of epic proportions was taking place, one which could very-well decide the fate of all of utensil kind...

     "Prepare to be destroyed, fork!" the knife cried.

     "Never!" the fork replied.

     "You've assisted in the consumption of you're last meal!" the knife shouted, preparing to charge.

     "Bring it on!" the fork edged. "You'll never hit me in my prongs!"

     "My buttering blade shall never be defeated by your pitiful-"


     Lennert's head shot up, his "battle" between fork and knife abruptly interrupted. He glanced from his partner on the other side of their booth, to the waitress, a yellow Aisha, standing beside their table. She could only stare back at the red Lenny, eyes wide with concern. "Are you ready to order, sir?" she asked with hesitation.

     "Oh… yeah!" Lennert smiled goofily, looked down at the menu in front of him, then back up at the waitress. "You don't happen to serve cookies, do you?"

     The waitress, mouth agape and wary of the eccentric Lenny, just shook her head slowly.

     "Oh pooh… Okay, then! I'll take the pancakes! With syrup!"

     Fearful for her life, the waitress, nodded and walked off with a muttered "Weirdo…"

     The Kyrii sighed. "Must you freak out someone everywhere we go?..."

     Lennert shrugged. "Just being myself." He glanced down at his utensils, then back up at Hawkins, smile wide as ever. "Hey, wanna hear some jokes?!"

     "Absolutely not…"

     "Great! Okay, here's one…" The Lenny picked up his fork. "Hey Hawkins, it would appear we've reached a fork in the road!"

     Hawkins smiled falsely, nodding along. "Oh yes, Lennert. That was a good one!" Sarcasm…

     "Hey Hawkins, you'd better fork over that napkin!" He cracked up in laughter. Hawkins just nodded, trying his best to put on a smile.

     "Oh, you got me there, man…"

     "Hey, why aren't you laughing? Do I have to spoon-feed you the punch-lines?!" Lennert, again, split his ribs in laughter, banging his spoon on the table loudly. Hawkins didn't even bother to smile. He just shook his head sadly. There was no stopping him now…

     "Hey Hawkins, where're those laughs?! Do I need to knife you for them?!"

     Hawkins smiled and nodded, replying in an innocent voice, "If you don't shut up, I'm gonna knife you!"

     Lennert's face immediately went blank. He looked down at the table, slightly embarrassed, but after about ten seconds, his eyes slowly crept back up to see Hawkins across the table, looking around and anxiously rapping his finger-paws on the tabletop.

     "Uhh, is something wrong?" the Lenny asked, mildly concerned.

     "Oh, umm, no, not really…" Hawkins replied tensely, tearing his napkin into tiny shards. "Except, well, at work, there's this… girl… Roxy… And, I was kinda thinking of asking her out to dinner tonight!"

     Lennert leaned forward, grinning devilishly. "Awww! How sweet!" he mocked. "Hawkins has a widdle girlfriend!"

     Hawkins grabbed his partner's beak and pulled it close, holding a butter knife in front of his eyes. "Think I'm kidding about the knifing?"


     Hawkins let go of his partner and each pet immediately snapped back to sitting in an upright position on their side of the booth, smiling innocently. The waitress went ahead in laying down each pet's food - scrambled eggs and bacon for Hawkins, pancakes for Lennert.

     As the waitress put Lennert's food in front of him, he let out a loud gasp, staring mouth open, eyes wide at the food in front of him. "What… what did you DO?!"

     "Sir… they're pancakes with syrup-"

     "That's just the problem!" Lennert exclaimed. "You put the syrup on on the pancakes! Are you insane?!"

     "Lennert," Hawkins comforted, "its okay! I mean, pancakes are supposed to have syrup on them! Obviously, when you asked for syrup, that's what the lady thought!"

     But it was no good…

     "You don't understand, Hawkins!" Lennert shouted, near tears. "I like to put the syrup on - me! Only I can gain the perfect blend of butter-to-syrup ratio! And now, these… these… fools" - he motioned to the speechless waitress next to their table - "have ruined it!"

     The Lenny then proceeded to bang his head on the table multiple times, then place his head in his wings and cry. Hawkins simply looked around at how the rest of the restaurant was staring at the quiet Kyrii and weeping Lenny

     "How could you do this?!" Lennert sobbed, looking up at the stunned waitress. "Have you no conscience? Have you no soul?!"

     Hawkins cleared his throat, raising a finger in the air. "Check, please!"

      The Neopian Times Office

     The Neopian Times Newsroom was where all the reporters and article writers for the 'Times worked. It was a large carpeted, fairly plain room, filled with about 20 desks for 20 writers arranged in nice, neat rows. Many of the articles, and even some of the stories, that went into the 'Times came out of this room. And it was in this room where Hawkins sat at his desk, pondering what to do: To ask or not to ask Roxy to dinner.

     He looked across the room and could see her, sitting there, bent over, writing something on a piece of paper: likely another edition of her infamous advice column. She looked so sweet, so innocent…

     "If there were ever a time," he told himself, "this is it! I just hope I can do it…"

     "Of course I can do it!" the Kyrii thought to himself. "I can do this! I know I can! I can do this! I can do this! I can do this!"

     "Yeah, I can do this!" Hawkins shouted, jumping out of his seat. "Today's the day I ask Roxy to dinner!"

     "Yeah!" shouted some random pet from a nearby desk, raising his fist in the air. "You go, man!"

     "Yeah!" Hawkins announced. "I'm gonna do it! I'm finally gonna get the girl!"

     As Hawkins strode down the aisle towards Roxy, it seemed like every pet in the office was applauding him, whopping and cheering him on, shouting out "Good luck!" and "You're the Kyrii!". He ran down the aisle in slow-motion, hi-fiveing fellow office members on his way, jumping and pumping his fists in the air.. From off in the distance came the sound of a full-size orchestra playing some powerful, meaningful score.

     In his excitement, Hawkins jumped up onto a wheelie chair - which promptly slipped out from under him and slid across the room…

     Across the room…

     A certain green Pteri sat at his desk, wringing his wings nervously. As he stared out across the office at the most beautiful pet in the world - Roxy - he tried to work up the courage to ask her to dinner.

     "Come on, you!" the Pteri said to himself, trying to build up courage. "Just get up, walk over there, and ask her!"

     Sighing to himself, he pushed himself up from his desk and turned - just in time to see a wheelie chair careen down the aisle and bowl him over. As the Pteri fell to the ground, he smacked his head on the desk behind his, knocking him out cold.

     The JubJub sitting at the desk looked down, sighing. "Excuse me, would you mind not bleeding on my foot?... Thanks."

Back to Hawkins…

Hawkins stood right behind Roxy. This was it - no backing out! He took a deep breath and spoke. "Uhhh, Roxy?"

     The Shoyru spun around to face the Kyrii "Yes?" she asked in a soft, feminine voice.

     Hawkins froze, stuttering. "Uhhh… doyouwannagoouttodinnewitme?!"

     Roxy just stared back blankly, first nodding, then shaking her head. "I have no idea what you said, dear…"

     Hawkins took another deep breath then started again, this time slower. "Do you want to go out to dinner with me?"

     The Shoyru smiled nervously. "Well, I don't even know you're name…"

     "I'm… I'm… uhhh…. Hotcakes?... No! Hawkins! I'm Hawkins! And I work at that desk over there!" He pointed awkwardly in two random directions at once.

     Roxy chewed on her lip thoughtfully, carefully considering the offer. "Alright," she said finally, smiling. "I'll go to dinner with you! Pick me up at seven-thirty -- and don't be late!"



     Hawkins walked into his apartment to find quite a sight before him -- set up all over the floor, couch, shelves, stove, refrigerator, and counter top were the soldiers of two great armies -- forks and knives. They were ready and prepared for battle. And plopped smack-dab on the floor in the middle of it all was a certain red Lenny wearing a certain cooking pot on his head as a helmet.

     Hawkins just looked around at the scene, shaking his head. "I can't even begin to imagine what's going on…"

     "It's war!" Lennert cried, far happier than a person talking about war should be.

     "Now, I know we didn't have this many forks and knives before," continued Hawkins, still taking in all the utensils without even meeting his roommate's eyes, "which leaves me confused, because I can't believe the manager of the restaurant would lend these all to you… Wait!" Hawkins held his paw up in front of him, closing his eyes and looking away. "Plausible deniability," he spoke. "I don't even want to know. Just… don't get arrested, okay?"

     "Sure thing, pal!" Lennert's eyes flashed as he turned to continue setting up a line of forks at the base of the couch back.

     Hawkins sighed as he looked himself over in the mirror, brushing around a few loose strands of fur. "It doesn't matter anyway -- I've got dinner tonight with Roxy!"


     "You know! Roxy! The girl I was talking about this morning at the diner before, you know, you went nuts and all…"

     Lennert looked up, shrugging. "All I remember is how they poured syrup all over my pancakes… Such evil…" He shuddered.

     Hawkins turned back to his roommate, done with his fur. "Uhhh, yeah, well, I've got dinner with her tonight, so I'm afraid I'm gonna have to miss you're little battle…"

     "Ooohh! Dinner, huh?" The Lenny's eyes flashed mischievously as he broke into a wide grin, singing. "Hawkins and Roxy, sitting in a tree! Q-U-S-E-T-T-B!"

     Hawkins just stared back blankly. "Lennert, that doesn't spell anything…"

     "…No, you're an idiot!" the Lenny shot back defensively.

     "Forget it!" cried an exasperated Hawkins, throwing his paws up in the air as he stormed off to the bathroom. "I have to get ready, anyway!"

     "No, you're an idiot!"

     The only reply the Lenny got was the slamming of the bathroom door. Then, about ten seconds later…

     "No, you're an idiot!"

Later that night…

Hawkins rapped three times on Roxy's front door, then stood back and waited. In one arm, he held a bouquet of flowers of fresh flowers (as in, fresh from the flower shop, which meant they probably weren't that "fresh" at all). Unlike usual, Hawkins had dressed up for the occasion, wearing his best dress shirt, though not bothering with dress pants - or pants of any kind, for that matter (he didn't have any pants that would fit a Kyrii, anyways).

     The door opened to reveal a young teenage girl with amber hair and freckles on the other side. She looked at the Kyrii and scowled. "Yes?"

     "Hi!" greeted Hawkins, grinning nervously in an attempt to disarm the girl. "I'm Hawkins, and I'm here to take Roxy out to dinner!"

     The girl continued to scowl as she looked the Kyrii over, deciding whether or not to let him in. "Okay," she finally decided, opening the door wider. "Come in."

     Hawkins entered into a carpeted, spacious welcome hall. The girl pointed to a plush sofa on one side of the room for him to sit. She, instead, took a seat in a large red throne just across the room. From across the room, the owner sat and glared at her guest, scowling at the poor green Kyrii as he sat and waited.

     "Ummm… so…" Hawkins began, trying to make the situation a little less awkward. "Uhh, you're Roxy's owner, right?"

     The girl narrowed her eyes to mere slits. "Yes."

     Hawkins nodded, trying to think of something else to talk about. "So, uhhh, do you have a name?"

     "Roxy," she replied, never breaking eye-contact with Hawkins.

     "Oh!" Hawkins grinned nervously, starting to sweat. "Well, that's funny, 'cause you were a striped Shoyru this morning! My, how much you've changed!"

     The girl just glared back, not amused in the least. "Being funny?"

     "No… apparently not…"

     Roxy got out of her chair and calmly waltzed over to our favorite little Kyrii, kneeling down and bringing her face close to his. "What are your intentions with my pet?"

     Hawkins stammered eyes wide. "I… I… Uhhh… Can I use a lifeline?"

     "Lemme tell you something, Hankins-"

     "Ummm, it's Hawkins."

     "Whatever!" The owner's mouth formed to a snarl as she kept her voice soft and leveled. "But just know - you hurt my pet, I hurt you. Got it?"

     Hawkins shook with fear, his eyes bulging, jaw on the floor.

     "Got it?!"

     "Please don't kill me!"

     "Hawkins?" Both owner and pet turned to see Roxy (the Shoyru) standing in the doorway to another room. She, too, was dressed to impress, with a white blouse (because, as we all know, black is so out of style!), an earring in each room, and a purse on her arm.

     "Hello sweetie!" cheered her owner, jumping up, smiling ear to ear. "You all ready for your little dinner?"

     The Shoyru simply rolled her eyes. "Yeah, of course. Or else, I wouldn't be standing here, would I?" She glanced over at Hawkins. "Ready?"

     "Oh yes!" breathed Hawkins, jumping up from the couch, relieved to be getting away from that crazy witch of an owner. "Very much so!"

     "Okay, you two have fun, now!" the owner cheered, following the two pets to the door and out into the evening air.

     "Alright!" the Shoyru called back, a bit agitated, as she practically lead a confused Hawkins down the path to the sidewalk paw-in-paw.

     As Hawkins stumbled down the sidewalk, he chanced one last glance back at Roxy's owner, only to see her scowling at him, making a slicing motion across her throat.

     The Kyrii let out a loud gulp.

     La Nourriture Misérable

     The La Nourriture Misérable was one of the fanciest restaurants in Neopia Central. It served fancy food on fancy plates by fancy waiters in fancy clothes. It was… uhhh, what's the word again?...

     Hawkins and Roxy walked into the reception area, a room with red carpet and walls where a few other parties stood waiting for their own tables. The two made their way up to where a green Quiggle wearing a thin, cheesy moustache and fancy tuxedo (don't all waiters?) was standing behind a podium, manning the reservations book.

     "Hi, umm, how long is the wait?" Hawkins asked, interrupting the waiter's task of staring at the book and pretending to actually do something.

     The Quiggle studied him. "Do you have a reservation?..."

     "Errr… no…"

     Roxy sighed. "Hawkins…" She took him by the arm and pulled him off to the side. "Hawkins, this is the kind of place where you have to make reservations - you can't just walk in and expect a table!"

     Hawkins shuffled nervously, starting to sweat again. This evening was spiraling very quickly. "Errr… ummm… well… It is?"

     Roxy rolled her eyes, sighing again. "Hawkins, please tell me you called ahead and made reservations…"

     "Well… how could I - there are no phones in Neopia!"

     The Shoyru shook her head, aggravated. "Well, what are we gonna do now?"

     "Just… gimmie a second!" a very desperate Hawkins pleaded, turning and walking back to the waiter at the podium.

     "Look," Hawkins started, getting the attendant's attention, "I don't have a reservation, but if you can get us a table, there's a little extra in it for you…" With this, Hawkins pulled out three one-hundred Neopoint coins from his shirt pocket, placing them on the podium and sliding them towards the waiter.

     The Quiggle promptly took the coins, nodding. "I'll see what I can do, sir," he replied, turning back to his book and continuing to act as if he was actually doing something, unchanged.

     Hawkins stood there awkwardly, waiting. The waiter continued to flip through the book, doing absolutely nothing.

     "I thought you were going to try and get us a table!"

     The waiter glanced up, shrugging. "I did all I could, sir."

     Hawkins' jaw dropped. "But… you didn't do a thing!" he replied ecstatically.

     "I'm sorry sir, but we're all booked up!"

     Hawkins sighed in frustration. "Okay, whatever. This was a bad idea. Just… give me my money back and forget about it."

     The Quiggle shook his head. "I'm sorry, sir, but we have a strict policy here." He pointed to a sign mounted on the wall behind him. It read, "No returns on bribes to waiters!"

     Hawkins sighed, slinking back to Roxy who stood off to the side, arms crossed. "Well," he told her, trying to be hopeful, "someone's sure to miss their reservation. We'll just wait! I mean, it can't be more than ten, fifteen minutes top!"

     Two Hours Later…

     Hawkins and Roxy had finally gotten a free table, right in the middle of the dining room, surrounded by all the other various groups eating and ordering. A red Ruki waiter stood next to the table, waiting for the two to give their orders.

     "Well, that wasn't all that bad, was it?" cheered an optimistic Hawkins, having just taken his seat.

     "A baby vomited on me…"

     "I… well, yeah… but, it was a cute baby!"

     Roxy shook her head, picking up a menu. "Whatever. Let's just order." She turned to the waiter. "Okay, I'll take an order of the Turkey, Steak Surprise with Mashed Potatoes, Broiled Chicken, Baked Kippers with Mustard Wraps, Boiled Neggs…"-she paused, smiling sweetly-"Oh, and an order of French Fries on the side!"

     Across the table, Hawkins stared back, mouth agape in shock. "Uhhh… I'll have a salad…"

     The waiter nodded as he finished writing up the orders. As he walked away, Roxy pushed up from the table. "I'm going to the bathroom," she announced.

     Hawkins looked back, concerned. "You are? Why?"

     "…because… you know… I have to!"

     "Oh… Oh! Well, do you need me to come with you or anything?"

     "No! No, I'm alright!" Roxy replied quickly, holding her paws up. "Really… I'm good…" The Shoyru turned, making a "what a weirdo!" face as she walked away.

     As Roxy walked off, Hawkins glanced down at the utensils in front of him - a knife and fork. "Hmmm…" he mused to himself, "I wonder who would win in a fight between the two?..."

     "No!" Hawkins' head jolted up. "I can't! It would be so… so…" His eyes drifted down towards the silverware. "…wrong?..."

     Hawkins picked up the fork and knife, smiling devilishly.

     "This is the end of the line for you, fork!"

     "I'd like to see you try, knife!"

     "I'll slice you good!"

*clang clang*

     "You'll never defeat me!"

     "I'll cut you into-"


     Hawkins immediately dropped "the warring ware", glancing up at a bewildered Roxy, startled.

     "Hawkins, are you… playing with your fork and knife?..."

     Hawkins tried to brush it off by playing cool. "Pssh… no…" Rather unconvincing.

     As Roxy took her seat, the Ruki waiter returned, carrying huge plates stacked with food. In front of Roxy, he set her orders of steak, turkey, mashed potatoes, kippers, and (of course) French fries.

     In front of Hawkins, he set down a small garden salad.

     Roxy rubbed her paws together, smiling before (literally) diving into her food. She engulfed it, taking huge bites of everything like an animal, no even bothering to wipe her mouth or worry about silly things like table manners.

     As Hawkins watched, eyes wide with the fear that, after the food, she may come for him next, he glanced down at his own tiny salad, tossing it around slightly with his fork. "Ummm… you may not wanna eat so fast. You might get indigestion," the Kyrii suggested quietly, a tad fearful of interrupting the Shoyru's meal.

     "Roxy paused, looking up at him. "Oh, I'm sorry," she spit, bit of food flying out her mouth. "You want some?" she offered, holding out a chicken leg.

     Hawkins shook his head. "Oh, no, I'm, umm…" - he glanced down at his puny salad - "I'm good. But thanks!"

     Roxy shrugged, going back to finish off her chicken. Within minutes, the table was bare of food. Roxy wiped her mouth daintily with a napkin, letting out a slight blurb and smiling. "Oops!"

     At that moment, the Ruki waiter walked up, handing Hawkins a slip of paper. "The bill, sir."

     Hawkins took one glance over it and nodded. "Roxy, how much money did you bring?"

     The Shoyru looked back, a bit confused. "I didn't bring any money…"

     "But… how were you planning on paying for your share of the dinner?..."

     Roxy stared back, lost. "Pay? Hawkins, it's your job to pay for the dinner!"

     Hawkins looked down, embarrassed. "Oh…" He glanced up at the waiter. "Umm… we might have a problem here…"

     The waiter simply nodded. "I'll be right back with the manager, sir."

     As the waiter walked off, Roxy sneered across the table at the Kyrii "You wanted me to pay? What, have you never been out to dinner with a girl before?"

     Hawkins shrugged feebly. "Well, I went out with my mother once…"

     At just that moment, the Ruki returned with the manager by his side - a rather familiar looking white Blumaroo wearing a fake-looking moustache.

     "Is there a problem, mister" - he glanced down at the check - "Haulins?"

     "Ummm, it's Hawkins." The Kyrii eyed the manager suspiciously. "Have we met?"

     "No, of course not," coughed the manager, his eyes shifting side to side nervously.

     "Is there a problem?" Now, there were three people standing around the table; the manager, the Ruki waiter, and a newcomer - the green Quiggle from earlier.

     "Oh, no," replied the manager, "this guy just doesn't have enough money to pay his bill."

     The Quiggle took one look at Hawkins and gasped. "Hey, that's the guy that tried to bribe me earlier!"

     The manager gasped. "You tried to bribe him?!"

     "Hey, I know that guy!" shouted a young girl Usul from across the restaurant. "He and his friend tried to beat me and some other Usul Scout members up a few weeks ago!"

     "Yeah!" shouted a random customer from across the room. "And he wants to eat our children!"

     "I most certainly do not want to eat your children!"

     Roxy put her head in her paw, embarrassed. "Well, this is just great. Fabulous dinner, Hawkins…"

     "Now, hold on!" the Kyrii told the party. "I've got one, simple solution to this whole thing." He paused to let it sink in, then - "RUN ROXY!" Hawkins jumped up and made a mad dash for the large window in front of the restaurant, throwing himself at it - only to fall to the floor in pain.

     His escape plan hadn't worked out quite the way he'd hoped it would.

     "Okay," said the Kyrii, pulling himself up painfully, "new plan." He grabbed Roxy by the wrist and dashed out the front doors and down the street into the night.

     "That's right!" shouted the manager angrily. "And you'd better not come back, either!"

     As he went back inside, he left the Quiggle in the doorway, smiling happily to himself. "Oh well," the attendant shrugged. "I still got three-hundred Neopoints out of it all!" He started to do a little happy dance in celebration. "Oh yeah… three-hundred Neopoints… who's da man? Who's da man?!"

     Obviously, not Hawkins…

     Hawkins' Apartment

     Hawkins walked in and closed the door, leaning on it with a sigh. He looked around to see the carnage of a hard-fought battle. The "bodies" of forks and knives lay scattered about the apartment. Lennert, who sat on the couch, scribbling in a color book, looked up at his roommate. "The forks won."

     "'cause the knives couldn't hit them in their prongs?"

     The Lenny nodded.

     Hawkins sighed again. "Figures…" As he walked over to the mirror to take a look-over of himself, Lennert couldn't help but ask, "So, how'd the dinner go?"

     Hawkins paused for a second, thinking of how to answer. Finally, he turned back to his roommate. "Well, by most people's standards, it was a complete disaster. But, considering it's my life, I would have to say it was a genuine success!"

     Lennert nodded. "So, do you think you'll be going out with her again?"

     Hawkins smiled. "Yeah… yeah I think I will!"

     Roxy's House

     Roxy walked in and closed the door, leaning on it with a sigh. He owner sat on a nearby couch, reading a book. "So, how was the dinner, dear?" she asked without even looking up.

     Roxy shook her head. "It was… less than good…"

     Her owner looked up, smirking. "That bad?"

     The Shoyru nodded.

     "So, do you think you'll be going out with him again?"

     Roxy smiled to herself. "Not a chance."

     Some guys can't win…

The End

Author's Note: A big thanks to Roxy (the owner) for letting me use Roxy (the Shoyru) in my story! It wouldn't have been the same without her!

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Week 154 Related Links


Dear Roxy: No Longer Accepting Dinner Invitations
I certainly had quite an adventure last Friday night. I was invited out dinner by a fellow co-worker who I shall not name.

by roxycaligirl101

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