There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 81,443,838 Issue: 151 | 30th day of Swimming, Y6
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Choosing the Right Neolodge for Your Pet and Your Wallet

by arula100


NEOLODGE - Neolodges. The wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) places where your Neopet can stay when you're gone for a long period of time. You're about to set them up in a place to stay when you see the dropdown list of your options. Your brain is fizzled, so you say, "Well, I'll get back to that." Therefore you move on, seeing the list of upgrades. Your brain circuits are now fried. What do you do? What to choose? Well, perhaps this guide will help. Here is all the information you'll need to pick a hotel.

Starting with the most, erm, cost efficient.

Cockroach Towers
Have your pets ever said, "I'd rather fall into a pit of rabid cockroaches than do that"? Well, here's their chance! At a cheap 5 Neopoints per night, your pet can stay in a one-star hotel equipped with all of the best creepy-crawlies.

Here they serve only the finest fried boots (yes, the lucky green ones, muahahaha), boiled bugs, and grilled filet of rotten tomatoes. It's a pretty good thing Cockroach Towers is conveniently located right next to the hospital.

"They crawled all over me at night…I ran out screaming bloody murder…never again." -Sam Chiaford

"Bugs! Can't get enough of 'em! Wonderful buffet!" -Joe Skeith

"Not enough asparagus"-Number 6

Fleapit Motel
Located in scenic Scratching Woods just north of Neopia Central, this one star spot is a must [not] see. Fleapit Motel is not a place to keep your furrier pets for obvious reasons. Even so, it is rather cheap at 10 Neopoints per night.

Erm, well, I can't see the food under all of what the waiter is calling pepper.

"They sting, they bite, they itch, argh! *gnaw, gnaw*" -Bobbie Lupetis

"I don't see what everyone is bothered about. I don't feel anything. But the hotel is pretty cruddy anyways." -Stan Grarrl

"Where is the asparagus?"-Number 6

Cheap Hotel
Ah, yes. Found in a dingy spot where little grass grows, you might stumble upon the Cheap Hotel. Slightly better than Cockroach and Fleapit with it's two, yes, two star rating and 20 Neopoints per night, there are cracks in the walls, leaks in the ceiling, and the carpet desperately needs to be changed. And there's a nasty smell when you first enter.

Well, the menu is written on old pieces of rope. I think it says something about gourmet toenail soup…

"If I were to take a wrecking ball and hit the building with it, you wouldn't see any difference." -Constructor Dan Zaffy

"Disgusting place. Filled with fungus. I love it." -Gnash Krawk

"I…need…asparagus…"-Number 6

Mountain Lodge Due to the lack of mountains in Neopia Central, this hotel was built on top of a tree, with lush painted mountain views inside. There are only a few rooms, but they are still nice. It is set at three stars and 30 Neopoints per night.

Grilled food is cooked over an open fire, and it tastes much better than fried boots. Their specialty dessert is roasted marshmallows. You can pick between medium-rare, medium, well done, and blackened crisp.

"Beautiful landscapes, nice food, but the pine scented air fresheners throw me off a little" -Misty Unidale

"Well, the entire place is made of wood…what about termites? They might come to eat us in our sleep! I shall then release my Plastic Butter Knife of Doom upon them!" -Paranoia Kyrra

"Where is my ASPARAGUS?!?!" -Number 6

Ye Olde Ship Inn
For a refreshing vacation, Ye Olde Ship Inn is perfect. It is overlooking the ocean, and young Neopets can spend hours watching the tide ebb and flow. Perfect for the sailing type. Only 40 Neopoints per night for this wondrous three-star hotel.

A stylish Marina bar that serves mainly fish and other seafood, but with specialty sauces and spices. The main drink served is grog, and it is advised you stay away from it unless you have a strong stomach.

"Arr, I be a right ole happy bloke round these here parts…not bad fer bein built by landlubbers, arr." -Cap'n Dread

"I love the location; the sea breeze, the ocean's spray, the nearby smoothie shop-this is the life." -Nagru Lupanders

"Arr, where be my asparagus?"-Number 6

Hotel Opera
A usually vacant hotel, as the music in the lobby frightens most away instantly. If you are the owner of a more sophisticated Neopet, they can stay here and enjoy their favorite operas in the adjoining opera house. This four-star hotel is quite a deal at 50 Neopoints per night.

Quite fancy, once again, filled with that wonderful/awful (circle one) music. Many gourmet foods are available.

"Ah, yes, wonderful service, and my little Fifi was quite happy in her petpet suite. I must come again and see Pant Devil of the Opera once more." -Camellia Cybunnitus

"Why did my owner stick me in this dump? Why can't it be, Hotel Twisted Roses? At least that's decent music. Pssh." -Cole Ixid

"Stop the music and GIVE ME MY ASPARAGUS"-Number 6

Royal Neopian
Your pets are treated like kings and queens here, and their petpets like princes and princesses. Upon entering a crown made from the finest plastic is placed upon your head. The rooms are large and luxurious. The only thing keeping this 80 Neopoint per night four-star hotel out of the five star league is the plastic crowns, which need to be made of gold for the hotel to receive an upgrade.

Lush greens, all the meat a band of Grarrls and Skeiths could ask for, and fancy napkins. What more could one ask for at dinnertime? For it to be free. Fair warning; being treated like royalty really isn't as cheap as 80 Neopoints per night.

"Wow…I never knew people were so nice to me sometimes…all for 80 Neopoints a night!" -Evil Baby Eyrie*

"Best nights of my life were at the Royal Neopian!" -Teg Techy*

"In the name of dung…where is my asparagus?" -Number 6

*Reviews 1 and 2 were paid advertisements from the Royal Neopian, all rights reserved blah blah blah etc.

Faerie Castle
Is your pet's head always in the clouds? Literally? Figuratively? Either way, the Faerie Castle is the perfect place to book for them. All architecture is created from cloudlike substances, giving you the real feel of a cloud. Pets are given one free bottled faerie for each night they stay in this five-star hotel, which costs 100 Neopoints per night.

Most available foods are faerie bubbles, fire faerie pizza, faerie this, faerie that, shall we move along?

"A true bliss, what a wonderful experience, and I have more abilities now, too."-Fae Korbie

"Ooo…I like the squishy clouds everywhere, and the pillows are so soft…"-Lea Zaffie

"Only missing one thing…my ASPARAGUS"-Number 6

Presidential Palace
Here you will be treated like a President; unfortunately, because there are no Presidents in Neopia, most Neopets don't even know what a President is. But whatever a president is, they are certainly treated well according to this hotel (Hey, I rhyme! Well, hotel! Okay, shutting up). The cost is 200 Neopoints per night in this five star hotel.

Filled with some of Neopias finest food, and home to Neopia's largest chocolate gallery. Great tourist attraction.

"The service is wonderful, and the chocolate gallery made my waistline expand just looking at it!" -Martha Usul

"Nice decorations, not to elaborate and yet pleasing to the eye. What was this review for again?" -Anonymous (Heck, I would be anonymous too, if I had left that review. Hey, I rhyme again!)

"Do presidents get asparagus?"-Number 6

A hotel for the richest Neopians. The AstroVilla is the most elite of the five-star group, but at the price of 500 Neopoints per night. If you want to stay here, start saving your money.

The AstroVilla restaurant serves only gourmet foods, making it a great place to stay for food club enthusiasts.

"The stay was great, and I'm glad it was, cause I'm broke now."-Ken Kacheeky

"Oh, it was wonderful, darling. Absolutely to die for." -Winnie Wocky

"Are you trying to tell me none of these hotels have asparagus? NOOO!!!" -Number 6

Alright, from those little tidbits, hopefully you can choose the hotel that is right for your Neopets, whether your decision is based on theme, price, or stars. Now you have the upgrades to worry about. Don't go running around like a Lenny with it's head cut off, though, I'm here to help.

Each upgrade costs 5 Neopoints per night. Not all that bad, but the price can become pretty steep if you go overboard. Now, here are the options and what to decide.

Two of the options are the restaurant and burger bar. There really isn't a point in selecting both, so look to your pet and their personality. If they shun fancy dining, head for the burger bar and vice versa. I prefer the restaurant, as it had all of the foods of the burger bar and more.

The next group of similar upgrades are the fitness center, swimming pool, and tennis courts. Have your pet pick their favorite one, or perhaps two. All three are unnecessary.

The next group consists of the en-suite bath, Jacuzzi/spa, grooming, and sauna. Grooming is a must for all pets, even the clean ones. As for the bath, Jacuzzi/spa, and sauna, only one is really necessary, they're close enough to being the same thing.

Then there is the option for the Neopian Times Delivery. Go for it! Who could possibly miss out on their favorite Neopian newspaper?

The final group only has two upgrades in it; maid service, and laundry facilities. Neat and organized pets will not need maid service, and the messy ones will learn to clean by themselves. As for laundry facilities, who wants to do the laundry over the holidays? Just pack enough clothing for your pets.

Now, after reading this article, I hope you have a better understanding of the hotels to pick the one that is right for you and your pets. Have fun on your vacation!

Author's Note: I really hope you got something out of this, I know I did-I can spell restaurant now!
Disclaimer: The only information in this article that was actually true was the names, stars, prices, and the fact that I learned how to spell restaurant.

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