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A Chat and a Cup of Borovan With: A Momma's Boy's Momma

by erileen


Larenbeka: We’re back! After many weeks of flying Snorkles, lightening storms, and a few sprained ankles…*points to her wrapped ankle pointedly* we are back, bringing you a new interview with a new…subject.

Erileen: When most of you think of Dr. Frank Sloth, you think of a malicious, cold soul with the power to control Neopets and wreck havoc. *shudders*

Larenbeka: Today we’re going to be lucky enough to have an interview with Mrs. Sloth, Frank Sloth’s mother!

Mrs. Sloth: My dear, Mrs. Sloth was my MOTHER! Call me Debbie!

Larenbeka: Err…okay, “Debbie”…so, what was it like raising Sloth?

Debbie: Oh, Frankie was always such a naughty boy when he was little – always getting into my things and making a mess. Now, his brother, Marvin…he was a good little boy! Always making me breakfast in bed and getting ‘As’ on his school assignments…

Erileen: Err, but we wanted to hear about raising Frank!

Debbie: But I always liked Marvin so much better!

Larenbeka: Right…so, when did Frank become “evil?”

Debbie: *taps chin with red-polished claw and consults ceiling* Well… Frankie probably started coming up with “evil plots” of his for world discrimination at eighteen months or so, but that’s when they all do don’t they? *forces chuckle*

Both: *mouths agape with disgusted bewilderment; exchange nervous glances and raise eyebrows*

Erileen: Uh-huh…so, does your family have any history with…oh, say…evilness?

Debbie: Well, my papa was a Darigan; my husband’s grandpapa was a dreadful, but wealthy caper who went by the title, “Malvagio”…

Larenbeka: Interesting…why did he choose that name?

Debbie: Oh! Simple: it means “evil” in Neoplingesh, my dear! *grins in a grimace-like manner*

Erileen: *lips pressed together to restrain from laughing* Ahem. Ah…and anyone else?

Debbie: Now, let me see…*whips out an address book titled, “Evil Relatives”* Well, there’s my mother’s mother, Georgiana, who was Masila’s best friend…there was Odysseus Duke who was my cousin, but he passed on just last Month of Sleeping. Oh! And how could I forget Quintessia! She was a villianess who led a band of Darigan soldiers to destroy Meridell! She does make the finest crumpets, though, really…*sighs*

Larenbeka: Did Frank ever show signs of, *gently*, “immoral wickedness”?

Debbie: Well, you know, when he was frustrated with something, he’d normally blow it up or smash it. We went through fifteen turbo-warmeruppers a month with that boy! Technology never did agree with the boy! Now, Marvin was sooo intelligent! Always making me and the mister proud…bringing home awards and such!

Erileen: Uh…Remember Frank? He’s our topic…not Marvin!

Debbie: *offended* You’re jealous! My, oh my…my little Marvin bumpkins is making you jealous! Well, I quite see your point. He is very sophisticated and I don’t blame you for looking up to him!

Erileen: *nearly crying from the hilarity*

Larenbeka: *holding back the urge to laugh and intervening* Do you think it is possible that Frank became “evil” because of the jealousy he was compelled to when compared to his brother Marvin?

Debbie: *thoughtful* Perhaps that is the reason…

Erileen:*calmed down* Did Frank have a favorite toy as a Neopet child?

Debbie: Why, yes! I remember buying him his first evil ray gun when he was only four! He used to love that thing! He even named it Philleas! If you could have seen him with that toy…oh, he took it everywhere. Philleas and Frank…yes he used to blast things and electrify things with Philleas. It was so heartwarming…

Larenbeka: Really? Mmm…*clears throat*

Erileen: Did Frank ever have a household pet?

Debbie: Why, come to think of it…he did have a petpet! It was a …Floud—

Both: A Floud?

Debbie: Yes, of course! He called it Henrietta, I believe. But, she didn’t last too long. No, Frank wasn’t too good at keeping petpets. Poor Henrietta…But, now Marvin was excellent at keeping petpets! He—

Both: *snorting with laughter*

Larenbeka: *cutting her off* That’s nice, really. So, how was Frank schooled?

Debbie: Oh, Frankie went to Neoschool with all the other little boys and girls. I think I have a picture of him on his first day of school in his cute little sailor outfit…*digs through her purse for a few minutes before extracting a picture of a young Sloth in a white sailor suit adorned with a crisp black bow*

Erileen: Did “Frankie” always dress so…originally?

Debbie: Frankie always had the most adorable little outfits…there was that one little Weewoo costume, and the adorable little Kau costume with the bell around his neck…

Larenbeka: I think that might be all we want to know about Sloth’s…err, “wardrobe” for now.

Erileen: *rubs head* How much longer until I get my Borovan, I have a headache.

Larenbeka: Shush, there are still over two hundred words to go! *smiles* Now then Debbie, you’ve been talking a lot about Marvin…how did Sloth respond to Marvin?

*Suddenly the room where the interview is taking place shakes. Couches shake, plaster falls from the ceiling, and Larenbeka clutches her wrapped ankle in fright as Erileen jumps under a coffee table for cover*

Debbie: *calmly, but yelling over the din* Oh, don’t fret dears, that’s just Frankie!

*Suddenly a wall crumbles and Sloth is standing there, ray gun in hand. He grimaces, sticks his ray gun in his pocket, and storms over to where Debbie is sitting*

Sloth: Mother, what in faerie’s name is going on here?

Debbie: *shakes the dreaded pointed finger* Now Frankie, don’t you dare sass your mother like that! One more remark from you and you’ll be having a time out!

Frank: *hangs his head and sits down* Yes, Mommy.

Larenbeka: *confused* Err…how did you know about this interview?

Sloth: I make sure to keep track of all of you pesky Neopian authors – I shall never be subjected to bad publicity again!

Erileen: *from under the table* Larey, would it be safer for me just to stay under here?

Larenbeka: Unfortunately, I think so. *grabs her now disarrayed note cards* So, Debbie…back to my question concerning Marvin…

Debbie: Right, right! Marvin was such a good boy, always doing things on time and doing all of his chores and getting A’s in school! I was always so proud of him!

Sloth: Yes, we all know that Marvin was the perfect son and I was merely a blurred outline of an insolent package of garbage…

Debbie: Frankie, you know those big words confuse your mother!

Frankie: *apologetic* Sorry Mommy.

Larenbeka: I’m beginning to think this might be a good time to join Eri under the table…* joins Eri, while gently trying to protect her ankle*

Debbie: So…next question! Oh, Frankie…take a seat and don’t bother us. We’re having a grown up conversation.

Sloth: But I am a grown up! *pouts*

Debbie: A-buh-buh! Listen to your mommy! *hands on hips*

Sloth: *slumps down and sits, making the room shake* Yes, mother.

Larenbeka: (to Eri) Well, this is awkward.

Erileen: Uhh…Debbie, has Frank *glances at Sloth nervously* ever…considered other careers?

Debbie: Well, when he was in finishing school, we decided that he should try to become a mailman. Oh, Frankie had a play mail truck and everything! He used to wait for the mail carrier everyday to get the mail. He even used to “deliver” fake mail to us! It was so cute!

Sloth: *indignant* It wasn’t fake!

Debbie: Of, course not, dear.

Larenbeka: So what has been the most…unique thing about living with Frank as a villain?

Debbie: Well, the paparazzi always want pictures, you know. Plus, Frankie gets discounts in lots of stores, so I can do my shopping!

Larenbeka: How…nice of them.

Sloth: I’m bored, mother.

Debbie: Frankie! Don’t be rude! Marvin wouldn’t act this way if he was here!

Sloth: *sighs so huffily that Larenbeka and Erileen are blown over*

Larenbeka: Ow!

Erileen: *getting up bravely* So, Debbie, who do you think is Frank’s arch-nemesis?

Debbie: Well…probably—

Sloth: It’s that blasted Marvin! Ever since I was a child, he always hogged everything! He got better grades, clothes (although I did enjoy the sailor outfit), more attention…! I was always jealous of that fool! But, now I am all-powerful and he is a pathetic scumbag groveling for my forgiveness!

Larenbeka: My, oh my. We had no idea you felt so…unnerved.

Debbie: Frank! How could you? He’s your brother! I am going to have to give you a time out!

Sloth: Mother, no!

Debbie: No, “buts”, Frankie. Excuse me, girls. *pulls Sloth by his ear to punish him*

Erileen: Go Debbie!

Larenbeka: Let’s get the Boro—

Sloth: *freeing himself from Debbie* I’m not finished!

Debbie: Oh, yes you are!

Sloth: *grabs Larenbeka in fist*

Larenbeka: *clutching ankle* My ankle!

Debbie: Frankie, you are a very bad boy! Mommy is very upset with you, young man!

Erileen: *runs for cover under table*

Sloth: *grabs Erileen*

Erileen: Ahhhh! Debbie, help!

Sloth: I will use you two writers to publicly humiliate and discriminate my foul brother Marvin! Then, he will bow down to me! Muhahahaha!

Larenbeka: Uhh…one problem. What if we refuse?

Sloth: *squeezing her* You won’t.

Larenbeka: My other ankle! *in pain*

Debbie: *roaring* Frankie you will drop those two girls now or I will have to force them out of your clutches!

Erileen: Gently! You will force him to do it gently!

Sloth: How will you do so, mother?

Debbie: *smug* Tickle fight! *dives for Sloth who tries to get away*

Larenbeka and Erileen: Ahhhhh!!!! *fall to the floor in a heap*

Larenbeka: My ankles!

Debbie: *tickling a surrendering Sloth*

*The Sloths leave with Debbie scolding Frank Sloth; a defeated Frank apologizes*

Erileen: *sarcastic* Well, that was enjoyable!

*an aging green Moehog bursts in bearing a platter of four cups of Borovan and a plate of crumpets; carefully makes way across to Larey and Eri, hence the last two chats. She smiles seeing that no dangerous looking guests are in the room and starts to make her way over to the table before promptly tripping over Larenbeka’s outstretched ankle. Fuming at her luck, she storms out*

Larenbeka: More Borovan for us!

Erileen: Crumpets!

Larenbeka: *munches on a crumpet, sips her Borovan and places her swollen ankles softly on the ottoman* That’s all for today! Thanks for listening to this…memorable Chat. We’ll see you next time when our visitor will be—

Debbie: *bursting in* Sorry, girls! I forgot my Evil Relatives address book and Frankie forgot his ray gun. The baby won’t go anywhere without it!

Erileen: *handing over the items* Can we keep his pictures of him in the Kau costume? *Sloth appears in the doorway and growls * Uh…actually, never mind.

Authors’ Notes:

Eri: We hope that this article persuades you to…err, “tread on light water” when around supervillians…

Larey: Yeah, my ankles can vouch for that.

Eri: Oh, and thank you to Snowflake for our new “Turbo-warmerupper” ;)

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