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Dr. Sloth’s Etiquette Guide to the NeoBoards


by iwonder

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I had plans, you know. How can you ask me to throw together a guide on such short notice? Even if I wanted to write it, my schedule would barely allow it. Here, look; at 4 o’clock, wallow in self-pity. At 4:30, stare into the abyss. 5 o’clock, wrestle with my self-loathing… I simply cannot cancel on myself again. And even if I did write a guide, what would I write? You say you want to communicate better on the NeoBoards? Have better conversations? Become friends? Bah, what nonsense.This whole “getting along” thing and understanding each other has gone way too far. Why are you not arguing with each other more? How will you ever get back to the wondrous world of peak NeoBoard drama that was the glorious Year 8? Yes yes, some would say that Year 12 was better. They know not of what they speak. But alas, it simply cannot be done. However, I guess anything is an improvement from the current… state of discussions. Or rather lack thereof. Sigh. Alright! Let us get on with it. I have places to be and enemies to zap! Listen up, weaklings!

     Firstly, do not keep calm and carry on. Make a scene! We’re in the middle of an arms race, or have you not noticed? That space faerie keeps trying to find things in outer space to use to beat me. What? She just found Bythons? And I’m not even an opponent in the Battledome, so why does it matter? There’s no current plot for me to take over Neopia? That’s only what the space faerie would have you believe! Pay attention, peasant. The Bythons were just the convenient excuse she and that Negg Faerie used to see the dark side of Kreludor! And as for the Battledome and plots, I can’t exactly tell just anyone what I have up my sleeve. You haven’t earned the right to know that yet. We haven’t even started talking about the space lasers yet. Anyway, back to the guide. What was I saying? Right. Make a scene. Bring the drama up to 11. How, you ask? It’s simple. This brings me to my second point…

     Assume, never clarify. Always assume the people you are talking to have the worst of intentions and treat them accordingly. Do not ever ask them to clarify their comments before you attack them based on your perceived affront. You are right, they are obviously very wrong. Conversely, if someone misinterprets your pure intentions, do not even bother clarifying. They’re not paying attention anyway, so you might as well just start calling them names. They deserve nothing more.

     Do not waste time being respectful. Why have respect for others when they are clearly inferior? It makes no difference if you are wrong or right, or if objectively the other side has “the facts” on their side. The only facts that matter are your own opinions. And if others do not share them, well that is on them. They need to change, not you! At this point, personal attacks are the way to go. Why just agree to disagree on a specific subject, when you can expand the argument to include all the most personal attacks you can think of?

     Do feed the trolls. Most people would have you believe trolls are bad, but that is far from the truth. They help drive engagement and keep people coming back again and again to discuss. When you see a troll, engage with it and rile it up. It will fill up with energy so it can pester even more people. Fantastic! A win for everyone, even if they do not see it as such.

     Do not choose your battles. Every argument is a fight worth having, no matter how small. Disagree with as many viewpoints as you can, and as often as you can. From the big things like who should run Neopia, to what hat fits your Neopet (the answer is none - why are you putting hats on a Neopet?! Those disgustingly furry creatures deserve nothing. Nothing I tell you!).

     Do not validate someone’s viewpoint before you disagree. What would be the point when you know they are wrong anyway? Instead, present your counter-argument without using fluff words like “I understand where you are coming from, but…” No. There’s no reason to try to have understanding and empathy, that is reserved for weaklings like Fyora. And you would not want to be like her, would you?

     And last of all, do not ever learn from experience. Start the same arguments over and over again, preferably with the same people. If you do not get an answer straight away from some all-knowing overlord (I hear whispers of something called TNT? Explosive, if true), keep making the same boards over and over again. Especially if they get deleted. Never give up, never let me down on this point. Do not try to look for solutions or common ground. You do not want a compromise or a resolution. You want to win or have a never-ending feud that spans months if not years or even decades.

     I hope this guide will be of service to you in communicating in the proper way. Not that wimpy “oh look at all the cute neopets you have, let’s be friends!” way - yuck. Who wants that? Peace in Neopia? What a nightmare! Now, begone so I can go back to my schedule. I am already late to my appointment with myself - again! I already told you I could not cancel this, I get too upset and then there is just no fun to be had in wallowing in self-pity. Farewell, auf wiedersehen, adios (you would understand what this meant if there were still NeoBoards in other languages, weaklings!). Hopefully, we will not run into each other again, I cannot promise that I will be as generous with my time or patience as I have been today.

     Signed,

     Yours Irritatedly,

     Francis Q. Slothberg Esq

 
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