Stand behind yer sheriff Circulation: 197,125,118 Issue: 964 | 15th day of Swimming, Y24
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Profiles of Players

by sleepythegrown


      Agent 00 Hog: The First Interview

      The Moehog sits across from me, and even the most discerning eye would be hard-pressed to find evidence of nerves. Nothing about him gives away that this cool player had just minutes earlier finished a hair-raising game of Cheat. He finished with a bluff that left fans on the edges of their seats, and a 1000-watt smile that knocked them right back down.

      Now, Agent 00 Hog sits back, hair perfectly coiffed, as the dim lights of the hotel lounge gently add to his intrigue. Ever since his last-minute entry into this year’s tournament, the mysterious player has captured the hearts of fans and invoked the ire of his opponents.

      We’re here to do a deep dive on him today, but waters look rocky as this agent is not likely to give anything up easily. I’m Merryl Mynci, here with our subject of this month’s Player’s Profiles.

      “Agent 00 Hog, you were a surprise addition to this year’s tournament. What motivated your late entry?”

     It’s true that his name is all over the tournament circuit presently, but just a few short months ago, the agent was an unknown. He was unrated prior to his entry in the qualifiers, and unheard of among local players' circles.

      “Let’s just say it piqued my interest,” he responds.

      “Is there any truth to the rumour that your entry is connected to a case you’re currently working on?”

      Even now, with public recognition, and a number of high-stake wins under his belt, little is known about this increasingly popular player. He’s ever holding his cards tight to his chest. His fans know two things, and two things only. One: he’s a secret agent with an unknown employer and an unknown mission. And two: he has yet to lose a single match.

      “I’m not at liberty to say,” the Moehog says as he shrugs in apology. He shoots me a sympathetic smile, but make no mistake, this skilled Cheater has a merciless streak. In his most recent match, he stood hoof to flipper with Brucey B, and out-bluffed the Bruce with an amazing, never before seen quadruple-bluff manoeuver.

      “How are you feeling after your most recent match? And how do you feel knowing the most difficult opponent is yet to come?”

      “I treat every opponent as if they’re a target. Winning the match is the same as succeeding in a mission; it’s the only possible result. That being said… there is one player I’m looking forward to playing against.”

      “Who could it be?” I ask as I lean forward, eager for any information Agent 00 Hog will give up.

      “All I can say is, they better watch out. Agent 00 Hog always gets his target.”

      Our interview ends there with more questions raised than answered. Only time will tell if more gets revealed on our most elusive competitor. Be sure to read next week’s issue of Player’s Profiles to find out! Also, don’t forget to add your comments to our new message board, posted in the hallway outside our office! (Paper is not provided, so bring your own when adding your comments.)


      “Wow! The match today was amazing!”

      “I LOVE YOU 00 HOG!!”

      “#HOG SQUAD”

      “Brucey B looks like my dad!”

      “Who do you think Agent 00 Hog was talking about?”


      “I went to school with 00 Hog!”

      “Any1 kno where i can get tix for the next match?”


      Agent Fraud??

      Inside this issue: An upcoming interview from Merryl Mynci set to reveal a shocking truth about Agent 00 Hog. Although yet to be released, an anonymous source tells us the Secret Agent is a Secret Fraud.

     Also: Did Branston the Eyrie steal the choreography for his most famous dance move? A friend close to the star spills all.


      “Trash! No one believes this, right!?”

      “When was the last time Branston was relevant? LOL”

      “It might be true. Why would a secret agent tell everyone that they are a secret agent?”



      Agent 00 Hog: The Second Interview

      Kyle is just a normal Neopian, like you or me, but this Lupe has one claim to fame that you and I don’t. I found him first from his notes on our message board. He’s been telling everyone that he went to school with one of the competitors for this year’s Cheat tournament. After doing my due diligence and verifying his claim, I’ve brought him in as we continue our coverage of Agent 00 Hog for this month’s Player Profiles. I’m Merryl Mynci; let’s get started.

      “Kyle, you’ve caused quite a stir with your post. Not many people can say that they know Agent 00 Hog personally. But, you knew him by a different name in school, is that right?”

      “Yeah, that’s correct.”

      “Can you tell us more about that?”

      “Right, sorry. Uh, yeah, when we went to school it was before, uh, Agent 00 Hog became an agent,” the Lupe nervously answers. His nervous demeanour strikes a contrast with his former classmate.

      “And what did he go by then?”

      “Well, his name then was Fibonacci, but most of his friends called him Fib.”

      “Of which you were one?”

      “I’m sorry?”

      “You were his friend, correct?”

      “Oh, yeah! We were best friends, actually. We grew up next door, we walked to school together, that sort of thing.”

      “And did you ever have any idea that your best friend would grow up to be one of the world’s most renowned secret agents?”

      “Well, no. To be honest, I would have never guessed. But I’m not surprised that he’s doing well in the tournament. He was always really smart.”

      “How so?”

      “Well, we were part of the mathletes team. The debate team. Book club. Game club. We did a lot of extracurriculars.”

      “It sounds like you two did a lot together. When exactly did you fall out of touch?”

      “Ah, well, you know… a small school where everyone knows everyone. It has its ups and downs. I guess when we graduated, Fib just wanted a fresh start. If that’s true, it makes sense why he decided to become a secret agent.”

      “Can you elaborate on those ‘ups and downs’ for us, Kyle?”

      “Uhhh, I don’t know. It’s not really my place to say.”

      I look at the Lupe that while just moments before been talking animatedly about his childhood friend, now sits silently. I decide to push and see if he can shed some light on an interesting piece of information I found when verifying his claim.

      “Kyle, I’m sure you know that Agent 00 Hog has always been evasive when talking about the agency he works for.”


      “But it’s interesting you mention that the two of you were mathletes, because when I ran a background check on the name Fibonacci Hog-”

      “I’m sorry, you did what?”

      “When I ran a background check, I found record of a Fibonacci Hog working as an advisor at the Neopet’s Stock Market.”

      “Uhh, okay?”

      “So while it’s impossible to confirm whether an Agent 00 Hog works as a secret agent, we do have confirmation that the same Neopian is employed as a stock advisor,” I conclude. When I see he is at a loss for words I prompt him by adding, “Isn’t that interesting?”

      “Well, it could be a cover, couldn’t it? I don’t know what you’re trying to say here.”

      “Didn’t you, yourself, say that you would never have expected that your friend would become a secret agent?”

     “Listen, I know Fib. He’s not a liar!”

      “...You’re not familiar with the rules of Cheat, are you?”

      The Lupe slumps forward, putting an end to our interview.

      As the tournament is nearing its conclusion, so is my foray into Agent 00 Hog. Be sure to pick up next week’s issue of Player’s Profile for the most illuminating interview yet!


      “Wow!! What a liar...”

      “RIP to any Agent 00 stans.”

      “#Fraud Squad”

      “Two matches left, right? Who do you think will win?”

      “Guys, how do you play Cheat?”


      Semi-Finals Press Release

      Princess Fernypoo was the first to empty her hand in what was a tight match. She left behind her opponent, Agent 00 Hog, with a hand of 5, and opponent Kalora the Kau with a hand of 8 cards. This means Princess Fernypoo and Agent 00 Hog will advance to the finals, where they will face off with the reigning champ: Spectre.

     The match was somewhat of an upset, with Agent 00 Hog being the stats favourite to win, but a number of bad calls early game left him scrambling to catch up. A later bad call on him, made by Kalora, allowed him to pull back into second place, but also gave Fernypoo further opportunity to discard cards. This gap between the players would ultimately play out to end game.

      The players will meet in the finals next week, with stats favouring a Spectre win, and even odds on whether Princess Fernypoo or Agent 00 Hog will place in second.


      Agent 00 Hog: The Final Interview

      The player in front of me is not the subject of this month’s Player’s Profile, but he is one our readers are familiar with. He’s a three-time Cheat champion, Neopian millionaire that frequently graces the cover of our magazine. The Jetsam is just days away from the final match, but he shows no hint of nerves as he leans casually on the table.

      “Spectre, you’ve sat down for multiple interviews with me for your past coverage as a spotlighted player, but today you’re here with us to talk about someone else. It’s a name that’s been causing a buzz among both casual and hardcore Cheat fans.”

      The champion gives a lazy smile, fangs prominently on display, as he answers. “Idle brains often overwork the tongue,” he begins. “But yes, the name has been thrown around too casually. I’d like to correct that, if given the opportunity.”

      “We are, of course, referring to Agent 00 Hog. But you knew him by a different name, is that right?” Spectre cuts his eyes towards me, and for a moment, I felt what it must be like to be his opponent, caught under his red gaze. Every inch of this player promises danger. He leans closer to me and smiles.

      “There are names we give ourselves, Merryl, and names we are given. Agent 00 Hog, Fibonacci. When I went to school with him, he and his friend were known by different names.”

      Of course, this revelation is why I decided to end our profile on Agent 00 Hog by interviewing Spectre. After our last issue, Spectre reached out to me, and I couldn’t say no. “What were they known as around school?” I ask.

      “Mathletes with dreams of greatness, but a reality of mediocrity? The Lupe was called Zero, and our dear Agent 00 Hog was Double Zero.”

      “Who called them that?”

      Spectre’s smile widens, and his fangs glint. The only reply he gives is, “Children are cruel, Merryl.”

      The information Spectre has given me is far from pleasant, but I push forward and ask the question on everyone’s mind. “And where do you stand on the controversy that Agent 00 Hog might not be a secret agent?”

      “I have little doubt that his claim of espionage is no more than an attempt to grandstand.”

      “Thank you for your time, Spectre,” I say. “I have one final question. Who do you think will come away victorious after this week’s match?”

      “Of that, I have no doubt. Winners win, and everyone else falls in line. And I’m a winner.” With that bold statement, the three-time champion gets up to leave. Will he be a four-time champion before the week is over? Or is there an upset in the works? For that, you will need to watch the final game. I’m your interviewer, Merryl Mynci, and this has been Player’s Profiles!


      “Does Spectre scare anyone else?”

      “Agent 00 Hog, I still believe in you!”

      “No way can Spectre win. He’s a jerk.”

      “#Fraud Squad and proud!”

      “Agent 00 Hog, take my energy!!”


      Finals Press Release

      The final match was a close one between reigning champion Spectre and standout player Agent 00 Hog. Princess Fernypoo quickly fell behind, picking up hand after hand. Spectre narrowly won twice, but each time had a bluff called by Agent 00 Hog when discarding his last card.

      The winning move was set into motion at the top of the round when Spectre put down two eights, uncalled. Princess Fernypoo, who at the time held only face cards, was forced to bluff down a Queen. She was immediately called by Agent 00 Zero, who was then free to throw down his final card, an Ace.

      Agent 00 Zero, known as a Neopet of few words, did address the crowd before leaving to collect his winnings. His speech is transcribed below:

      “I am aware that there have been a number of rumours regarding my identity. I will address them only by asking: What is the true identity of an Ace? Is it a one or an eleven?

      I want to thank everyone who has supported me throughout the tournament. I never expected it when I first entered.

      And I’d like to close by addressing any young fans here today. I want you to know that, just like in cards, a reigning champ can be dethroned by a lowly one. Or, in my case, a double zero. Thank you again.”


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