The Adventures of Fanny in the Land of the Bizarre

     Fanny strode up to the house. It was a very big house – or at least it appeared to her to be this way, because she was very small. She rapped a hoof on the door, but realized that it would have essentially no effect due to her diminutive stature. She would need to think of some other way to get inside.

     Could she fit under the door? No, she unfortunately was not quite that small. Perhaps she could climb in through an open window? No, that would be like scaling the tallest tower of Meridell Castle. Sure, she had once pretended to be – no, should her method acting-inspired drama teacher scold her, she WAS – Princess Terrana in last year’s NeoSchool production of “Gentlepets Prefer Green”. But that was currently moot, because she did not have a grappling hook nor the means to create one.

     With a heavy sigh, she slumped down on a piece of broken cobblestone. “Whatever am I to do?” she asked herself.

     But Fanny did not answer her; Fanny hoped she was okay, and hoped that she was, in fact, still Fanny.

     Her thoughts were interrupted by her realization that there was an awful commotion coming from inside the home: a clattering of metal, the grinding of gears, a zapping of electricity… It was a house gone mad.

     And then a shadow suddenly loomed over her. Fanny looked up and saw a disco Korbat, dressed as a clown. The Korbat knocked thrice; “Once for mummy, once for daddy, and once for the grand province of Slothster,” he said as his fist met the wood.

     Thirty-seven seconds passed – Fanny counted them – and then the door swung open. “The master is not yet ready for your services,” drawled the doorman, who was a tall Feetpit – well, tall for a Petpet, but a foot smaller than the Korbat.

     Fanny looked far up at both of them, and then saw a flash of argon laser light whiz past both their heads to light a small fire on the thornberry bush outside; neither had seemed to notice, and the fire went out shortly thereafter regardless.

     “Oy! She said she’d wanted d’ entertainment at 14:30! It’s now 14:42, what gibbs?”

     “I know you’re busy with Princess, but you were twelve minutes late,” continued the Feepit in his heavy accent. “The Mistress has since started her next daily task. I will return at a more opportune time for your arrival – be ready by no later than the top of the hour.”

     “Oy, top a’ da’ hour? Dat’d hab been 14:00, no?” asked the clown. “Ya’ mean da’ top a’ da’ next hour. And dat’s assumin’ da’ top starts at 0, radder dan at 1, or 59—”

     “Well, then the bottom of the hour,” interrupted the Feepit with great annoyance.

     The clown contorted his face. “But da’ bottom, at least on a twelb-hour clock, would hab been when I was supposed to hab arribed—”

     The doorman, grieved by the ongoing conversation, started to close the door; Fanny wasn’t about to let her current opportunity escape her. With a burst of strength, she darted through the door and got into the house just before it shut, hiding behind a wastebasket so the Feepit would not see her.

     “Alright!” said Fanny to herself when the coast was clear (though she did not reply). “Now, to find something that looks like a horn.”

     The Ixi scoured around the giant (to her) abode as the muffled commotion continued from a distant room. She walked through the foyer and noted a hanging umbrella, its tip shaped rather like a Cyodrake’s horn. Carefully scaling a raincoat, she touched the tip – but she remained tiny. “Aw,” she said as she hopped back down; Ixis were very agile creatures.

     Fanny navigated to the next room. It was a drawing room; there were easels and watercolour paints all about. In the room’s centre was a bowl of fish and one fish doughnutfruit, which Fanny surmised would be the subject of the guests’ paintings. “Perfect for entertainment,” she commented. “High in Omega-3 fatty acids.”

     She looked past the large sofas full of scratch marks (despite being covered with a protective plastic) and noted the severed head of a Moehog hanging above the fireplace mantle. Moehogs had literal horns! Well, tusks, but to the anatomically uninitiated the two appendages seemed close enough. Perhaps this was of what the Cyodrake spoke.

     The mantle was very high, and she was on the ground; getting there safely would require a marvellous feat of science, engineering, and luck. Luckily, Fanny was clever and liked science and engineering. She had once constructed a diorama of Tyrannia’s PREHISTORIC FIRST FIRE out of a shoebox; the Ixi had only sustained minor burns throughout the project lifecycle, and learned proper techniques thereafter regarding how to draw on eyebrows, which came in handy for grandma’s baking lessons.

     She peered around the room and, even more luckily, found a Broken Fishing Pole, likely caught whilst catching the fish. Ever resourceful, she managed to pilfer the line and hook, and use them as a makeshift grappling hook. “I AM Princess Terrana,” Fanny said to herself as she tossed the hook and shimmied up to get onto the sofa’s seat, and then to the top of the sofa. Fanny heaved; this was a lot of effort! Finally, she managed to get up to the mantle, and managed to only lightly singe her shoe in so doing.

     “You had better be the horn,” she said as she climbed onto the Moehog’s face.

     “Sorry miss,” they replied, much to Fanny’s surprise. “I ain’t have the horn yer lookin’ fer.”

     Fanny sighed. “It’s alright. It’s not your fault.” She gently climbed off their face. “Sorry for disturbing you and your face.”

     “Not a problem, miss,” they said with a smile. Thank ya’ fer bein’ so considerate of meh feelins.”

     “Why, of course.” Fanny paused as she heard another clatter. It seemed to come from… inside her new companion? “Have you a clue what that noise is?” she hesitantly asked. “Is it inside you?”

     “Nah, but ‘tis behind me – ‘tis be the Mistress of this home,” replied the Moehog grimly. “She’s a wee bit… of a mad scientist. Probably tryin’ some form of unethical experiment on her latest child.”

     “Her child?” Fanny was dumbfounded. “What sort of experiment?”

     “Eh, ‘tis best not to know young Miss. She gets ‘em from the Pound; what she does with ‘em thereafter is prolly the stuff of nightmares.”

     This strengthened the Ixi’s resolve. “I’m going to go and rescue that child!”

     “Ooh,” the Moehog made a commending noise. “Best of luck ta’ ya’. If ya’ wanna get to her lab quicka’, I know a shortcut.” And then the Moehog opened their mouth.

     “You mean… in your mouth?” Fanny asked, warily.

     The Moehog nodded, and then said, “I won’t eat ya’… why would I? I’m just a head on a wall. Not like ya’ can get in me belly or anything.”

     Fanny frowned. She supposed the Moehog was right. “Well, alright then, I’ll do it.” She grinned at the adventure ahead.

     The Moehog smiled comfortingly and then opened their mouth. Fanny gingerly stepped inside. The tongue was squishy, but not wet. The teeth looked like carved marble. “Your mouth is very well kept!” said Fanny.

     The Moehog said something in gleeful reply, but given their mouth was agape, Fanny could not tell what quite they had said.

     At last, the Ixi made it through to the other side, and appeared out of what seemed to be a Miamouse-hole. She looked up, and realized she was in a complex laboratory. There were vials of potions, mechanical whirrings, and blinking lights all around; Fanny marvelled at the sights, for she had only seen things such as these in her wildest dreams.

     CHAPTER V: THE GREAT ESCAPE

     Fanny turned and saw the Mistress of the house – a giant Meepit, at least six feet tall. The Ixi gasped and saw that a baby Kacheek was strapped to a large slab of concrete. All sorts of contraptions were pointed at the child, and the Meepit would press a series of buttons and something would happen: a zap, a shiver, the crack of a whip, all sort of scientific merriment nothing short of torture! Though seemingly random to Fanny, the Mistress had unmistakable precision to her moves – she must have known what she was doing.

     Fanny had to rescue that Kacheek! But she certainly couldn’t do so with her small stature. Perhaps the horn was around here somewhere – it seemed every possible contraption and scientific instrument under the great blue firmament was contained within these walls.

     The Meepit suddenly turned, and Fanny hid behind a wooden crate – had she been spotted? No, the Meepit was not concerned about her, but – as Fanny observed – instead pressed a large blue button, launching a blast of argon light through a series of mirrors and out of the room. Fanny realized that the doorman must be at the door again – no doubt letting in the Korbat clown. She had to move quick, in case the Korbat was here to make the child’s life even more miserable!

     Fanny rushed about the room, and finally found a horn. Not a horn like the kind the Cyodrake had, but an instrument – and not one of the scientific variety! This was the sort of horn that a bard might play to herald war; the Ixi hoped that would not be a harbinger of future disaster. She knew it had to be the right horn, for the words BLOW ME were inscribed in large, friendly letters across a card hanging on its bell.

     Her surmising had been correct – the Korbat flew into the room as the laser light disappeared. Seeing a clown seemed to make the child cry even more; the child especially started to wail when their Mistress unhooked them and the Korbat picked them up, repeatedly tossing them into the air. The Meepit only clapped wildly in excitement at this.

     This seemed like as opportune a time as any, and Fanny blew her horn.

     At once, Fanny grew. The more she blew, the more she grew, until she was well past her normal height – she had to appear intimidating to the wicked, after all. The sound was very resonant – a crystal clear C5, though perhaps a few hertz sharp.

     The others, having heard the noise, looked toward Fanny and tried to grab her, but her sheer height made them reconsider. Her head touched the ceiling, after all! With a quick swoop of her hand, Fanny caught the baby Kacheek in mid-air.

     Child acquired! But where would she go? There was no way they could make it through the Miamouse-hole and the Moehog’s mouth now, for Fanny was far too big.

     Even worse, the Meepit was starting to assemble some sort of machine together – no doubt to defeat Fanny and get the child back.

     The Ixi could flee, sure, but she would be at a disadvantage, being unable to navigate this house with any effectiveness or efficiency… and then a realization dawned on Fanny. Quickly, she turned and pressed the horn, clutched in her other hand, against the large blue button. The laser sprung to life and illuminated a path to the front door, which (after breaking through several doorframes) she managed to find. She burst out the door and, Kacheek under her other arm, ran away from the house into the forest beyond.

     Fanny marvelled at the sights in the forest. Greenery everywhere, permeated with pinks and blues and other hues of exotic and splendiferous flora. She soon found a cobblestone path, and soon thereafter found a cobblestone bridge. “What a pretty bridge, hm child?” she asked the baby Kacheek, held close to her chest.

     The Kacheek merely snorted in response. Fanny took this to be a sign of derision.

     The Ixi frowned. “Well, perhaps you have seen much prettier bridges in what I assume is your much shorter lifespan, and perhaps I am no bridge connoisseur – but to me, this appears a bridge most attractive.”

     They walked further up the path and came to another cobblestone bridge, just like the one before. Fanny looked out over the flowing stream below. “I dare say, whoever designed this area must have really fancied bridges. And why not? They look rather beauteous, insofar as a bridge can.” She looked down at the Kacheek. “Do you yet agree?”

     The baby snorted again. Fanny frowned, and noticed that the Neopet appeared… different, somehow. Bulkier, and – dare Fanny think – uglier. But perhaps this was due to the temporary burning of recent bridge elegance into her cerebral cortex, and anything would seem uglier in comparison.

     They continued up the path and arrived at another cobblestone bridge. “Well isn’t this just lovely,” said Fanny, her tone almost defensive – she had to convince the Kacheek, after all. “Isn’t it, oh baby—”

     She looked at the Kacheek, and realized it was no longer a Kacheek, but had turned into a Snorkle. The Snorkle oinked at her, and then leapt out of her grasp, tumbling down the side of the bridge and into the water below.

     Fanny gaped, and then rushed to the side of the bridge in alarm. “Oh come now!” she started, trying not to panic. “Now is no time for a swim!”

     But the Snorkle did not surface. She certainly hoped it had not drowned. She reached one of her much longer than normal arms down to the stream, though in so doing she accidentally broke part of the cobblestone on the side of the bridge. “Oh dear,” said Fanny. “I hope the damage will be repaired soon.”

     And then, seemingly from nowhere, Fanny heard the Cyodrake’s voice: “two miles is two miles regardless of observer height; to think otherwise would be—”

     Fanny sighed. She supposed the Snorkle – just moments before a baby Kacheek – hitting the water, never to resurface, was literal hogwash.

     Steeling her resolve, she continued walking up the cobblestone path. She had other things to worry about – finding the Way, for example.

     The Ixi soon came upon a cobblestone bridge – now a common occurrence, she supposed. This was a pretty bridge, like the others, but for some damage on its… side.

     Fanny looked on in horror as she realized that damage had been made by her earlier.

     Each bridge she had passed was the same bridge. She was stuck in some sort of loop. She would never reach the Way at this rate!

     Fanny had to veer off the path… but where would she go? She supposed that really didn’t matter, for anything would be better than walking in an infinite loop. Or, at least, walking in a mobius strip. Or, at its most inconsequential, walking in a circle.

     With a magnificent shrug, she closed her eyes and randomly spun around. Once her head felt sufficiently vertigoed and her sense of adventure was renewed, she opened her eyes, and took off in that direction through the forest.

     CHAPTER VI: THE RANDOM COMEDY CLUB

     Fanny continued through the forest with utmost randomness. This forest was clearly playing tricks on her; if not even she knew where she was going, the forest would be unable to thwart her. At least, that made sense to the young Ixi.

     At last, she came across a 4-star resort. “What is a 4-star resort doing in the middle of an otherwise undeveloped forest?” she asked herself.

     “I could say the same thing about a young albeit 10-foot-tall girl,” came a reply, though it was not from herself.

     Fanny spun around and looked down to meet the gaze of a charismatic elderly Ogrin; she could tell he was charismatic because of the way he grinned at her, because of his quick-witted response, and because he wore a shirt on which “MY CHARISMA IS +5” was proudly emblazoned across an icosahedron.

     “What is this place?” inquired Fanny with utmost curiosity.

     “Welcome to Casa Random,” he replied, gesturing proudly to the resort. “A refuge for weary travellers who get lost here in the forest! Or, at least, it would be if it were still open for business.”

     At this, Fanny frowned. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that.”

     “Don’t worry,” the Ogrin said warmly, “it’s not your fault. It’s the fault of the darned economy and poor federal planning,” he added crossly, shaking his fist. “Anyway,” he continued, his pleasant demeanour returned, “the hotel might be closed, but the attached Comedy Club is still going strong. I’m one of the standups at Club Random tonight. There’s a dinner show every day at suppertime, and additional matinees on weekends. And don’t worry, all our doors are large enough to fit our, er, plus-sized guests.” He gestured at her, now.

     The Ixi smiled, but she wasn’t sure whether she should be offended. “Why does everything here possess a Random moniker?”

     “Oh, well that’s an easy one,” replied the Ogrin, waving his paw dismissively. “The only way to get here is to take random turns until the observer is hopelessly lost.”

     Fanny tilted her head. “Do you get many in attendance?”

     “Nope! Anyway, name’s Leopold.”

     “Fanny,” said Fanny, grinning. “May I come in? I’ve never seen a comedy club before.” Seeing a comedy club was on her bucket list, right between trying baked asparagus below and starting a bucket list above.

     “Charmed to meet you, Fanny. And sure thing, follow me. The show will be starting soon.”

     The two walked into the club. Leopold joined the two other comedians to greet guests; they seemed especially excited to see the large Ixi.

     Being a dinner show, Fanny was offered a meal – but given the state of Casa Random, she did not expect much. Indeed, it was a cheap noodle cup with less nutrition than a Poisonous Jelly; Fanny instead opted for a drink of water (avoiding the adult drinks) and some surprisingly non-stale popcorn. She went and took her seat – which was really 3 seats that Leopold had nicely placed together – at a table at the front of the lounge.

     But for a hyperkinetic Snowbunny a couple tables behind her, she was the only one in the audience. Nevertheless, Fanny grinned widely at the excitement.

     “Put your hands together,” came Leopold’s voice through the PA system, “for our first comedian of the night – Dr. Ko!”

     As Fanny pressed her hooves together, a Koi in a white lab coat swam onstage. A few seconds later, he held up a crushed cube of what appeared to be mostly garbage, but with a few bells hanging off it in loose strings. He jingled the bells for effect, which caused the Snowbunny to laugh wildly.

     Fanny frowned. “I don’t get it,” she said.

     “Ohhh, seems like we have a heckler – or else just someone who doesn’t understand comedy!” playfully derided the Koi.

     Fanny felt smaller at the teasing… but she couldn’t quite tell if she had actually shrunk in size. “Please explain it to me,” she pleaded.

     “Alright, see…” started Dr. Ko patiently as he held the crushed cube higher. “This is a joke.”

     Fanny agreed that this act was a joke, but likely did not view it with quite the same connotation as that held by the Koi. “Er, yes.”

     “Thank Princess you understand. Alright, I made this. Could you believe that?”

     Given it appeared to be something a child a quarter of her age could make, Fanny had to agree.

     A look of pure satisfaction washed over Dr. Ko. “Then I made a joke. That’s what happens at comedy clubs. Geddit?” He grinned dumbly.

     Fanny decidedly did not get it. “Er…” But she did not want to look like she did not understand, so she smiled and nodded. “Actually, yes, yes I do! Thank you for enlightening me, oh sagacious doctor.”

     Dr. Ko chuckled and exited from the stage. The Snowbunny clapped furiously.

     “What a hilarious guy!” said Leopold from offstage. “Now, show some love for Miss Meriposa!”

     A Grarrl with a blonde wig walked onstage as Fanny did her best to look lovingly toward the comedian.

     Miss Meriposa held up a Keno egg, across which was scribbled the word “JOKE”.

     “Ooh ooh I love this one!” came the Snowbunny’s excited voice.

     The Grarrl grinned to the audience and – after showing off the egg like it was a prize on the Wheel Of Excitement game show, which Fanny enjoyed – smashed it to the ground.

     The Snowbunny erupted with laughter and applause, and the Grarrl bowed.

     Fanny raised an eyebrow, visibly confused. “Well, that makes no more sense than the last act,” she said, gesturing toward the stage.

     Miss Meriposa scowled at her, and then, in her very deep voice, defensively stated, “I cracked a joke. That’s what happens at comedy clubs. It’s funny.”

     Fanny frowned; she was quite certain that Club Random’s near empty audience was not just because the location was near impossible to find.

     The Snowbunny continued to laugh, and Fanny decided to fake a laugh as well. Miss Meriposa grinned, revealing her sharp teeth. With a final bow, she exited the stage. A small Angelpuss stagehand came and ate up the broken egg, and then exited.

     “Prime comedy, just prime!” came Leopold’s voice once more. “And now, for the final act of the evening – me, Leopold!”

     The Ogrin got on the stage. Fanny and the Snowbunny applauded him.

     “Alright, let me set up this joke for you all – er, both.” He grinned at them. “What is the fundamental difference between soda-pop and a sofa-bed?”

     Finally, thought Fanny, some actual comedy! “I’m not sure,” she asked with an anticipatory grin. “What is the fundamental difference?”

     At this, Leopold charismatically replied, “I don’t know either!”

     The Snowbunny erupted into a thunderous roar of deep belly laughter.

     Fanny was dumbfounded. “Wait… what? You told the joke, you must have the answer!”

     The Ogrin raised his arms. “Hey, I just said I would set up the joke – I didn’t say I had a punchline!”

     With vigorous applause from the Snowbunny, and vigorous displeasure from Fanny, Leopold took centre stage. “Thank you for coming out tonight, everyone!”

     Well, that was more like a tragedy than a comedy, Fanny crossly thought.

     “Now,” came Miss Maripold’s voice flatly as she got onstage, prompting Leopold to exit. “Get out. You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”

     With a sigh, Fanny left the club – but not without being caught by Leopold.

     “So, what did you think of the show?” he asked with a friendly demeanour.

     “I thought it was… well, it most certainly shattered my expectations,” she said, truthfully.

     “Glad to hear it!” replied the Ogrin with a grin. “The fellow comedians were wondering – how did you get to be so tall?”

     “Oh,” said Fanny as she held up her horn. “I blew into this, and it made me larger. Much as it is nice to tower over my foes – not that a girl as young as half twenty-two should have any, I suppose – it is rather difficult to navigate this body; I do wish I were my normal size.”

     “Don’t be silly,” said Leopold with a dismissive paw wave. “There is no such thing as ‘normal’. At best, normal is a subjective illusion to help one survive reality. Anyway, if you wish to become smaller, have you tried to do the opposite of what you did to grow larger?”

     “That had not occurred to me,” admitted Fanny with growing excitement. Why, that seemed to be the logical solution! She spun the horn around and blew through its bell.

     Alas, she remained tall.

     “Oh dear, that didn’t seem to work,” said the Ixi, crestfallen, as she slumped down on the soon-to-be broken pavement outside Casa Random.

     “Well, that sucks,” agreed Leopold in a lower vernacular.

     “Wait… sucks!” Fanny’s eyes lit with understanding. “The opposite of blow is suck! Suck me!” At this realization, she instead sucked at the mouthpiece, and started to shrink.

     “Oh happy day!” exclaimed the Ogrin, applauding. “It worked!”

     Fanny beamed. “So it did!” She sucked some more, until she was – as far as she could tell – her normal height. Or, at least, the height at which she felt suited her best based off her current age and species.

     “Now that’s a good height for a little girl,” remarked the comedian, now several feet taller than her. He twice patted her head in a gentle, grandfatherly way.

     “Thank you.” The young Ixi giggled. “Also,” she started, “might you know the Way?”

     “Oh my, a young thing like you…” he trailed with a frown. “Which side of the Way are you on?”

     This response puzzled Fanny; “Er… clearly the wrong side, because I am not yet there.”

     Leopold gave a slight chuckle. “Well kid, you have a real go-getter attitude, I’ll give you that.” He gestured out into the forest. “Head that way until you hit the Courtyard Walls. In the inner court, ask someone playing the Game for further assistance; the Way is very close by.”

     Fanny committed the instructions to memory. “Duly noted. But what is this Game?”

     “You’ll know it when you see it, wee one.” He rose an eyebrow suspiciously at her. “You’re not from around here.”

     “No,” she replied matter-of-factly. “But that does not matter, does it?”

     “Not one bit.” The Ogrin said with a knowing smile. “In the grand scheme of things, nothing matters.”

     Fanny frowned pensively. “I’d like to think things matter. For we are nothing without what matters most.”

     The Ogrin merely shrugged.

     The Ixi shrugged back. “Anyway, thank you, Leopold.” With a quick wave, she smiled and started to walk away.

     “Thank you for enjoying the show!” the Ogrin called after her.

     “Well, I found it much nicer than electronica of the classical futurism variety, anyway,” she replied articulately.

     He chuckled. “And send my regards to Princess!”

     Ooh, the Princess would be involved with this somehow. Fanny became excited – she had never met a real-life Princess before… though, she had encountered many fake-life princesses, and one real-dead princess. Anyway, this new experience certainly promised to be enthralling, and her adventurous attitude grew. “I will! Farewell!”

     And Fanny walked away, in the direction pointed to her by the comedian.

     To be continued…