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Worth Their Stone: An Interview with Team Tyrannia


by shadowstrand

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In the last two years, Tyrannia have gone from a non-contender to a serial champion team. They weren't known for much except their fondness of slushies until the arrival of "Spikes" Barmie, the young prodigy who launched them into the big leagues. Still, after their time in the top 3 faded, so did their media limelight. It was with that thought that I asked to interview them about their history— their past has been, no pun intended, rocky.

     When I arrive for my interview, the training ground's not what I expected. For a start, instead of a Yooyuball stadium, it appears to be an unmodified stretch of savanna with a mud-and-thatch hall constructed on one end. Several boulders have been placed on either end, which I can only guess is seating. The pitch is occupied by the local NeoSchool team, who are wielding spears instead of slings.

     This is not only Tyrannia's biggest Yooyuball stadium, but the official clubhouse of the Tyrannian Yooyuball team. That's not saying much; I'm pretty sure this is the only Yooyuball pitch for miles, and I'm pretty sure they're also using it to train in armed combat. It's exactly what you'd expect from the team who landed a solid 13th place for the second time in a row. I'm approached by Right Forward Wila Benne, who was in fact the coach of the kid's practise I was watching, and she takes me into the main hall to meet the rest of the team.

     I intended to question each team member one-by-one, but it seems they’ve decided otherwise— they’re arranged happily around a stone table, and the hall has exactly one room. They're certainly got a lackadaisical air for one of the most rugged teams. When I enter, I find that they've already started the tea and rock cakes laid out for us, and they seem more like they're looking forward to a good laugh than a good PR opportunity.

     NT: Thanks so much for taking the time to meet me.

     L: No problem! No problem! Very happy to meet the Neopian Times. Big paper, yes? We are big celebrities?

     Loryche winks. Team Captain and Centre Forward Loryche is one of the oldest players on the scene, and while you'd never guess it on the field, she looks her age in her traditional tribal gear instead of her sports outfit. She’s well-known for her strong leadership and her iconic running plays, and more dubiously known for her slowness and lack of grace— although in spirit, she’s as cheerful and carefree as any teenager. Her accent is thick with Tyrannian, but I’m lead to understand that she’s very well-spoken in her native language.

     NT: Loryche, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to start with you and your history with the team.

     L: Ah, history! I have very much history.

     NT: When you first started playing, your team manager at the time described you as ‘lazy’-- There’s a famous story about you skipping training sessions entirely. How were those early days?

     L: Oh, yes! Fantastic! I remember. They say to me, “Loryche. They have found another country.” I say, “Okay, great! New country! I love it!” They say, “They have a new sport, it is about chasing a Yooyu, you want to try it?” I say, “Oh, yes, I will try it!” I think this is all a very big laugh, yes? I have a go, I think it is very fun. Then they say, “Come back next week, we will play again.” I say, “Next week? I have to spar next week. But I will come the week after.” Oh, they don’t like that. But I say, “It is just a game!” I thought it was like Ugga-ugg-ugg. You know Ugga-ugg-ugg?

     I indicate that I do not.

     L: Is Tyrannian game, like Yooyuball. But with no Yooyu, instead with a rock. In Ugga-ugg-ugg, nobody minds after the game if you win or lose, yes? We like to fight here in Tyrannia, and we like to hunt, and we care about that, very much. But Ugga-ugg-ugg, nobody cares too much, it’s just for fun. So I did not care so much, back then.

     NT: What changed?

     L: The other teams. They were like warriors, you see. Big honour. We understand honour among warriors, yes? I realised, “This is not a silly game. This is fighting. We are fighting for Tyrannia, just without weapons.” I decide then, we change. Tyrannia will be a great team.

     There’s a wistful look in her eyes as she recalls this. The rest of the story, of course, is well-known: Tyrannia’s sudden spike into first place a few years into the Cup, seemingly completely unexpected.

     NT: And let’s talk about your personal life. How do you spend your time, off-season?

     L: I am Ugga-ug-Loryche-ga. ...How do you say this?

     Wila Benne has to intervene here.

     WB: Loryche is one of the tribal elders. She is, essentially, a community leader.

     L: Ah, not a leader! Not exactly a leader. ‘Leader’, one person’s more important. Me, I’m just more old. Just an Ugga-Ugg-ga. It is hard to understand.

     NT: And do you keep up with your practise sessions, these days?

     L: Oh, yes. I never miss them. But I still spar! [laughs] I do not miss my sparring or my Yooyuball. I have learned. Now if I have no time, we do both.

     WB: No kidding. If you think Loryche can play Yooyuball, you should try her in unarmed combat.

     Left Forward Wila Benne is very different to her captain. She’s serious-faced, with perfect, clipped language and a sense of age beyond her years. While she’s younger than Loryche, she’s still a veteran on the field, having played with the team since its introduction into the Cup. Before Spikes, she was the star scorer of the team, although with a reputation for impulsiveness. These days her play has tidied up considerably, and her scoring hasn’t taken too much of a hit either.

     NT: Benne, you’ve been here for the whole ride alongside Loryche. How do you feel about the changes the team has gone through?

     WB: I try to play a good game. I always have. That never changes.

     Answered like a true sportswoman. She lights up, though, when I change topics.

     NT: Tell me about your life outside in the off-season.

     WB: I’m a teacher. You could call me a sports coach for young people, although that also includes being a battledome educator, when you’re in Tyrannia. I work with the local NeoSchools, running the Yooyuball program.

     NT: Yooyuball isn’t exactly a traditional sport here. Do the kids take to it well?

     WB: Wonderfully. It’s a great crossover between the most important Tyrannian values— you know, physicality, sportsmanship, getting rowdy— while providing young Tyrannians with a clear connection to the rest of the world. Lots of them haven’t gotten out of Tyrannia, and may not have much in common with their peers elsewhere, but they can all talk about Yooyuball. I really think that’s the beauty of the sport.

     NT: Do the kids look up to you? You must be pretty famous among the Tyrannian youth.

     WB: Believe me, any starry eyes wear off within a week or two of training. I’m a teacher, not a celebrity. Once they realise I won’t let them get away with messing around and I’m going to make them do their homework, I stop being cool. It’s far more gratifying to see my students grow up and thank me for my coaching than it is for my younger ones tell me they liked me on TV.

     NT: Let’s get back to the game. You’ve been with the team the longest, alongside Taggert. Do you think there’s captainhood in your future?

     Defender “Scrap” Taggert interrupts here. He’s forgone the traditional Tyrannian fashion for a modern sports jacket and his pants are certainly designer. His tusks are polished— although, Tyrannian at his core, they’re cracked and chipped by past scuffles. His mane, usually tussled by the passing of a Yooyuball game, is currently gelled and well-styled.

     ST: Wila would become captain if she sensed it would stop me from doing it.

     WB: I would become captain if it was the best thing for the team. Which is to say, if the next choice was Scrap, I would absolutely stop him.

     ”Scrap” Taggert responds by flicking a biscuit crumb at her. They exchange snide expressions, but it’s clear that this is a familiar routine between them, more like bickering siblings than two sports rivals. Sure enough, Loryche is shaking her head with an expression of playful reproach, and she audibly ‘tsks’ at them.

     NT: Do you two find yourselves disagreeing on the pitch?

     WB: On the pitch? No. Scrap is a very competent defender.

     ST: Yes, and I’d say that Wila usually makes my job very easy.

     WB: It’s outside of the pitch that I disagree with Scrap. I’ve seen him wearing shoes, you know. Shoes! In Tyrannia!

     ST: My dear friend Wila here claims to enjoy broadening her horizons and exposing the kiddies to new ideas, but she’s never really moved beyond “dung” where her tastes in food and fashion are concerned.

     WB: [muttering] Dung food is traditional. Nothing wrong with it.

     NT: You enjoy the benefits of stardom, then?

     ST: Absolutely. I spend half the year chasing after Yooyus and getting absolutely battered, and the other half swinging an axe in the mud. I deserve a little luxury.

      NT: You mentioned an axe. Do you spend your off-season in the battledome?

     ST: A large amount of it. Tyrannia has plenty to do for the professional athlete. Yooyuball, the Ugga Dome, Tyrannian Mini Golf, Ugga-ugg-ug...

     NT: That’s the game Loryche referred to earlier, correct?

     ST: No, that’s Ugga-ugg-ugg. This is Ugga-ugg-ug I’m talking about.

     At this point, I’m unsure if I’m missing a subtle linguistic cue or if I’m being subtly made the butt of a joke. Nobody’s expressions have shifted, so I figure I’ll assume that this is a real sport and move on.

     NT: So you’re a sportsman year-round, then.

     WB: ‘Performer’ is more apt.

     ST: I’ve always been of the opinion that the career of a gladiator is the perfect fit for a Yooyuball player. It keeps me fit and makes sure the fans have something to watch during the off-season; what could be better?

     The face he makes at Benne makes it unclear whether he’s joking or not, but she certain huffs derisively in response either way. Feeling as though I might be intruding, I decide to change the topic and return to the team’s history.

     NT: Your playstyle changed dramatically a couple of years ago, which has been the point of plenty of discussion. Plenty of people say it’s because of the arrival of Barmie. Would you agree?

     ST: As much as I hate to, yes. Spikes is a prodigy.

     Right Forward “Spikes” Barmie puffs up with pride. It’s well-deserved. Following his arrival after the V Cup, the team’s performance and playstyle changed dramatically, with Barmie rising rapidly to the position as top scorer of the team and one of the best forwards in the entire game. His aggressive and incredibly speedy playstyle match his reputation as a firebrand, on and off the pitch. Up close, I’m surprised to observe his young age; polar opposite to Loryche, he’s one of the youngest players on the pitch.

     NT: Care to comment, Barmie?

     SB: Uh—

     L: Barmie is very talented. He inspires us. He keeps us sharp, and in return, we keep him grounded. It’s a pretty good trade, yeah?

     SB: --Yeah. Loryche said it better than me. I’ve learned a lot from the rest of the team, I wouldn’t be a good player without them.

     WB: That’s nonsense. Spikes would be a star player on any team. But yes, I think there’s a good balance there, and I think while Spikes’ skills as a scorer are unparalleled, his skills as a team player have really come along over the years, and I would credit that to Loryche and the rest of the team.

     ST: I’m surprised you’re not taking a moment to praise the wonderful coach he must have had as a child.

     WB: Well, I certainly helped more than you did, Scrap.

     SB: Would you guys let me talk for myself for, like, two seconds?!

     Barmie’s expression is that of a teenager being embarrassed by his parents on the way to prom. Still, with the air of familiarity the team shares, I’m not surprised to see the team acting in such a paternal way towards their youngest player.

     NT: Barmie, am I to take it that you were trained by Benne when you were younger?

     SB: Yeah. That’s how I made it onto the team. Every kid who plays Yooyuball in Tyrannia ends up training with Wila, and when Elvin Kroe transferred out of the team I was, like, barely old enough to start thinking about playing professionally. She encouraged me to try out, and... yeah. Here I am.

     WB: It was obvious to me that Spikes would end up on the pitch someday. I wanted to get in early and make sure he was on my side of the pitch.

     NT: You’re quite a bit younger than the rest of the team, and one of the newest players to the Altador Cup. How did you find training and playing alongside your heroes?

     SB: Crazy. Uh, absolutely crazy. I thought I’d died and gone to Yooyuball heaven. It’s still a little weird— sometimes I feel more like a kid practising than a professional player. On the other hand, like, these are people who have been in my life for ages. My Tyrannian isn’t even that fluent, ‘cause my mom was from Krawk Island originally. So, yeah, sometimes it’s too good to be true, and sometimes it’s like being on a sports team with a bunch of my crazy aunts.

     This comment causes a burst of laughter from the rest of the team, who seem more than happy to hear that their antics have sufficiently antagonised their youngest player. Curious about this confirmation that his teammates are aware of his talent, I choose to bring up a widely-circulated rumour about the young Barmie.

     NT: Barmie, you’re certainly a dominant player on the field, no doubt about it. Do you see yourself taking a similar role in the locker room, someday?

     SB: If Loryche thought I was ready. I can’t really imagine the team without her right now.

     L: Someday! Someday! I’m not a young player anymore, you know.

     WB: I could see Spikes making a great captain someday. Although, yes, if Lorcyhe didn’t vouch for him, then I can’t imagine ever bothering to listen to him.

     ST: I can’t see that being an issue for you, Wila, you’ve got the attention span of a Puppyblew.

     WB: I’m a schoolteacher. I have an excellent attention span— you need one to work with kids.

     ST: Well, you’ve certainly got a great attention span for your own voice.

     My attention turns to the last member of the team, who is standing awkwardly with the same air of out-of-placeness as I myself have. Mor Gollog, Goalie and transfer from Moltara, is the newest member of the team and the only non-native on Tyrannia’s roster. Even bigger up close, he towers over even Loryche (quadrupedal as she is). It occurs to me that the reason this enormous moehog is standing is because none of the chairs are big enough to seat him. After a repeat of his disastrous performance last year, Gollog has been the subject of much criticism and mockery by the media— a barrage that I don’t want to ruin the mood by adding too, but which nonetheless serves as an elephant in the room where the interview is concerned.

     NT: Gollog, you’re an even more recent arrival to the team than Barmie is. How have you adapted, over the years?

     MG: Blimey, you don’t know half of it. It’s a whole other world. So to speak.

     His voice is as gravelly as his Relic complexion, and unlike the others, he speaks with a thick Moltaran accent. Still, his clothes are in the Tyrannian style (although he hasn’t yet forgone the brass goggles on his head), and he seems quite at home with his rugged companions.

     NT: Do you find yourself suffering from cultural differences with your teammates?

     MG: Only in that I’m bliddy terrible at fighting compared to this lot.

     L: That isn’t true! Mor is wonderful on the battlefield. He is very sweet and excellent to practise with. He just cannot fight.

     ST: Sparring Mor Gollog is like sparring a wall, both defensively and offensively. The man could choose to never lift a hoof and still walk through a warzone unscathed.

     NT: How about Tyrannian life? You’re a long way from home, after all.

     MG: You’re telling me. Back home in Moltara, it’s all smokes and factories and figurin’ out how to make a machine do the work for you. None of that here. Cor, I thought I was tough before I came here, but even a little Tyrannian petpet would give me a run for my money. Brilliant, though, bliddy brilliant country.

     NT: What are your favourite things about your stay here, so far?

     MG: The lads’ll laugh at me for this, but I love the obelisk.

     This prompts a chorus of groans and laughs from the assembled, to my surprise. Tyrannians are usually fiercely proud of their landmarks, so I’m surprised to see an absolute lack of pride in their reaction.

     MG: The whole place is history, of course, but it’s a brilliant mix of cultures. Folks from all over, seeing this beautiful land, like me, an’ coming to put their dukes up around this big old monument. If I’m feeling homesick, I can go and find a Moltaran there in about five minutes. And then thump them. Great cultural mix. Tyrannia brings out the fight in people, I reckon.

     ST: We had nothing to do with that Obelisk. The tourists are the ones who decided to start going demented about it. Any Tyrannian worth their stone stays away from that thing.

     NT: They do?

     This is an unrelated tangent, but I can’t help but be fascinated by it.

     WB: You’ve never wondered why there’s no Tyrannian faction in the “war”? Nobody ever thinks to ask us, but there’s a reason we ignored that obelisk for hundreds of years.

     L: Oh, yes. They could have avoided all that fighting and shouting if they had just asked, but nobody asks the Tyrannians. Even about their own country. Oh, this is rude of me! You came here just to ask us questions, yes?

     Laughter. I switch back to the topic of Yooyuball.

     NT: Gollog, you’ve been under a lot of media pressure these last two years. How have you been coping?

     There’s a small spike of tension in the room. Expressions become a little colder, and “Spikes” Barmie’s frill even raises a little in response. Mor Gollog’s response is calm, and just as polite as he was a moment ago.

     MG: The team has been really supportive. I’m grateful.

     SB: It’s stupid. Mor is a great goalie.

     L: It’s very easy for people to shout at the newest player, the non-Tyrannian player. But every goal scored against Tyrannia is a goal we all missed, every goal we score is a goal we scored. Make no bones about it, the whole team let Tyrannia down last year.

     This is clearly a serious topic, but Loryche’s expression is as soft and as wise as ever. There’s no malice or bitterness as she speaks about her team’s recent poor performance.

     L: The Altador Cup is always changing. We are Tyrannian— we’re people of history, we always stay the same. We find something good, we keep it. But the other teams learn quickly and change quickly. They learned our tricks very quickly. I admire them! We can learn so much from them.

     NT: How have you been preparing for this year’s upcoming Altador Cup? How are you feeling about your prospects?

     L: As we say in Tyrannia: Ugga ugga ug-ugga ga-gak, ug ugga ga ugg.

     She takes a moment to translate this sentence, murmuring under her breath. Her team nod their heads, clearly accepting this as a mantra. For all their ribbing and joking, the respect they have for their captain is clear, and they’re all clearly as serious as she is about this.

     L: It means, “Stone is pretty good”.

     NT: “Stone is pretty good?”

     L: It sounds better in Tyrannian.

     Still, while her words haven’t exactly inspired me, it’s clear that the team is burning with passion for this year’s Cup. Whatever mantra they’re living by, it’s filled with them with fire— although whether that fire will be enough to take them through the championship is another matter. But I can’t deny that I’m looking forward to their performance, no matter what happens.

     NT: That’s about it for this interview. Any closing comments for the readers?

     L: Yes! Come to Tyrannia, play Mini Golf! Yooyuball is ok, but Mini Golf is great.

     WB: Have fun watching the games, but don’t forget to get out there and try some Yooyuball yourself.

     ST: But do stay and watch the match first. We do like the cheering, you know.

     SB: Uh... thanks to all our fans for all the slushies.

     MG: Keep an eye out for us this year! We’ll be sure to dazzle you, make no mistake.

     

 
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