The most fantastic thing in the universe! Circulation: 196,752,993 Issue: 935 | 7th day of Hunting, Y23
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You Are What You Eat

by smart100000


“Two Milk Chocolate Lupes and a Strawberry Fondant Surprise, please,” said Conrad, putting the merchandise on the counter of the shop.

     The old Kiko running the Chocolate Factory smiled warmly at the young Lupe as he put the candy in a bag. “Coming right up! That’ll be 3,783 Neopoints.”

     Conrad put the money on the counter and reached out to take the bag. “Hey, Mr. Shopkeeper, there’s an Organic Broccoli in here! I didn’t buy that!” He looked at the shopkeeper in confusion.

     “It’s on the house,” the shopkeeper chuckled. “I can’t have my best customer getting sick from eating nothing but candy, can I? If you eat too much candy, it’ll give you nightmares. Eat your vegetables. They’re good for you.”

     “Yuck!” Conrad exclaimed. “I hate Health Food! I don’t want this.”

     The old Kiko sighed. “I’ll tell you what, kiddo. If you promise to eat the Organic Broccoli, I’ll throw in two Red Scorchio Lollypops free of charge.”

     Conrad thought for a moment. “Make it four and we’ve got a deal.”

     Amused, the shopkeeper dropped three lollypops into the young Lupe’s hands. “Pinky promise?”

     “Pinky promise, Mr. Shopkeeper,” Conrad said, solemnly. He held out his hand and interlocked his finger with the shopkeeper’s. He put the lollypops in his bag and walked out of the shop.

     “Remember, a good Neopian never goes back on their word. Don’t forget, kiddo. You are what you eat,” the old Kiko said, cryptically.

     Once he had left the shop and shut the door behind him, Conrad began to laugh. “Sucker.” He took the Organic Broccoli out of his bag and threw it into a nearby garbage bin. “I hate Health Food.”

     When he got home, Conrad quickly gobbled up the candy that he had bought. “Who needs to eat vegetables when candy tastes so good?” Wiping some chocolate off of his mouth with his paw, Conrad wagged his tail in contentment. “I never thought that the old shopkeeper would start lecturing me too.”

     Conrad’s friends and teachers had all noticed his unhealthy eating habits, and they were constantly telling him that he needed to change his diet. “You’re gonna get sick if you keep eating like this,” his friend Cecelia had said to him many times. But the young Lupe never paid any attention to their advice, continuing to eat nothing but candy day after day.

     That night, as Conrad was getting ready to go to sleep, the old Kiko’s words resounded in Conrad’s head. “A good Neopian never goes back on his word.”

     Conrad felt a little guilty for deceiving the nice shopkeeper, but he just hated vegetables so much! He’d never eat them! Never! Silencing his guilty conscience, the Lupe put on his pajamas and went to sleep.


     Complete darkness surrounded Conrad.

     “Hello? Is anyone there?” called Conrad. “Where am I?”

     Scared, Conrad groped around with his paws in the total darkness, trying to get some idea as to where in the world he was. Then, he felt something wet and squishy beneath his paw.

     “What’s this?”

     He still couldn’t see anything at all, so he couldn’t figure out what the object that he had stepped on was. He tried sniffing his paw to get a clue about the object’s identity.

     “This smells like… Organic Broccoli…?”

     Suddenly, the object beneath his paw began to move, wriggling its way out of Conrad’s grasp.

     “It’s a bit dark right now, isn’t it kiddo? Let’s get some light in here,” a familiar voice called out. The sound of rustling clothes was heard.

     “I recognize that voice! Is that you, Mr. Shopkeeper?”

     The familiar voice chuckled. “Ah, I found my flashlight. Why don’t you take a look and see for yourself?”

     A blinding light shone in Conrad’s face. Conrad blinked to let his eyes adjust. Now that there was a bit of light, Conrad could make out a faint outline of the figure in front of him. An oval-shaped figure was holding a flashlight.

     “It really is you, Mr. Shopkeeper! Can you tell me where I am?”

     The figure ignored Conrad. Instead, the figure directed the flashlight’s beam onto its own body. It wasn’t the jolly old Kiko that Conrad was excepting. Instead, a giant head of broccoli with Kiko-like arms sticking out of its stalk was standing before Conrad.

     “Remember, kiddo. You are what you eat,” said the giant broccoli, with the shopkeeper’s voice. The broccoli smiled, revealing sharp, jagged teeth. “And I want to become a Lupe.”

     “AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!” screamed Conrad. Snatching the flashlight out of the broccoli’s hand, Conrad quickly turned around and fled in a panic.

     With the help of the flashlight, Conrad could see that there was a small house off in the distance. Desperate to escape from the terrifying vegetable chasing him, Conrad sprinted toward the house with all of his strength. He opened the door to the house and ran inside without a second thought, hurriedly shutting and locking the door behind him.

     Conrad took a look at his surroundings. The inside of the small house seemed to be filled with… candy?! The ground was littered with Chocolate Cybunny Paws and Fire Mote Lollypops and Jhudora Thorn Pops as far as the eye could see. There were so many candies on the ground that Conrad couldn’t even see the floorboards underneath. Then, the candies on the ground suddenly started melting. The ground became covered in a grotesque bubbling sludge of melted chocolate and molten sugar. One particularly large bubble close to Conrad popped, spraying a mist of molten candy sludge into the air. Several large droplets splattered onto Conrad’s face and some even went into his open mouth, filling his mouth with a noxiously sweet taste.

     The candy sludge on the ground began to move, collecting itself into a large, formless blob of melted candy in the center of the room. Then, limbs started forming themselves from the shapeless mass of sludge. Four terrible arms poked out from the sides of the blob, waving around menacingly. Using its arms, the giant blob slowly dragged itself toward Conrad.

     “N-no! Get away from me!” Conrad tried to run away, but his legs were frozen in place from fear. He could only watch in horror as the terrifying figure got closer and closer to him. Shining the flashlight at the blob, Conrad could see its features more clearly. It had seven eyes that looked like giant Eye Pops, and a huge gaping mouth that took up most of the blob’s body. The inside of its mouth was filled with rows and rows of razor-sharp White Chocolate Grarrl Teeth.

     The candy blob threw itself at Conrad. Conrad’s fur and clothes became sticky with melted candy sludge. The blob raised all of its four arms and reached out toward Conrad’s face. Four sticky hands touched Conrad’s cheeks, dripping huge amounts of candy sludge into his open mouth. The noxiously sweet taste filled Conrad’s mouth once again, and Conrad accidentally swallowed it.

     The blob pushed its face right up against Conrad’s. It smiled a terrible, wicked smile. “Now you’re one of us,” it rasped in a ghastly, grating voice. “Look down.”

     Conrad looked down at the ground. His paws, once strong and covered with magnificent yellow fur, were now red and translucent, as if they were made out of Gummy candy. He looked behind himself, at his tail, which was now shiny and green, like it was made out of Wintermelon jelly.

     “W-what happened to me?” Conrad cried out in confusion. The blob laughed, filling the air with a horrid cackle.

     “You are what you eat,” it said, mockingly.


     Conrad awoke with a start. His sheets were soaked with cold sweat. He was back in his bed, safe and sound. No giant stalks of broccoli. No candy sludge monsters.

     “Oh, thank goodness. It was all a dream.”

     He licked his lips in relief. But then, he noticed something strange.

     “My lips…. They taste… sweet…?”

     The End.

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