There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 197,025,990 Issue: 922 | 4th day of Celebrating, Y22
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Failing Foods of Brightvale University

by parody_ham


For a list of edible foods on campus, make sure to check out this guide first: //

     Sometimes the Brightvale University dining hall gets things right. They create bizarre food combinations that have wide appeal on campus. Other foods have cult appeal. Yet many of their concoctions have students running for the nearest market off-campus, loudly proclaiming that Cosmic Corp is feeding the student body their rejected ideas at a discounted price. But whatever the reason is, not every food at the college is a winner. Before you continue, I will state once again: you have been warned. Proceed with caution (and an empty stomach). I present for you a top 10 list of BVU foods that receive a failing grade.

     10) Blumaroo Steak and “The Norbert Incident”


     If you live on campus—heck, even if you don’t—you’ve probably run into my roommate, Norbert. When he’s not talking about Sir Rohane, he’s busy getting lost on campus. He’s stumbled into psychology classes during their lectures, chemistry labs in the middle of titration experiments, and even the aquatic science department’s fish pond. Twice. Practically every professor knows him by name, same with most of BVU’s students, so “The Norbert Incident” won’t come as any surprise to most of my readers. Blumaroo Steak, although not a gross food per se, has its reasons for being listed on our top 10.

     It was a normal day at Brightvale University’s dining hall. Students were filing in, picking up their trays, and grimacing as the normal day-to-day “food” slopped onto their plates. My roommate wandered into the mystery meat section of the dining hall (probably by accident) and was served a chunk of meat with bone in the middle. By the time he returned to our table, the three of us, myself and our twin Ruki friends Dani and Danielle, stared in horror at the food on his plate. Surely, he knew what that was, right? So, we did as good friends do and stayed quiet. As Norbert lifted his fork to put a chunk of meat into his mouth, a well-meaning classmate walked behind him and said:

     “You know that’s Blumaroo Steak, right?”

     We had to act quickly. As anyone who has interacted with my roommate for longer than 30 seconds, he is a walking encyclopedia on Sir Rohane, better known as the “Hero of Five Lands.” He can regale you with tales about the knight’s adventures, teammates, family, the long-term impacts of his heroism, the list goes on and on. It’s impressive. Sometimes a bit overwhelming, but impressive nonetheless. And you won’t believe what his Master’s thesis is on. Or rather, who.

     …Did you guess Sir Rohane? If so, you would be correct.

     Norbert’s face turned paler than a sheet before he face-planted straight into the steak. Juices from the meat covered my roommate’s face. The well-meaning classmate sheepishly scooted away as we tried to shake my roommate awake. Within a minute, the dining hall fell into pandemonium as a student called for medical help. Before they could arrive, the three of us lifted him with the twins carrying his legs and I his head and shoulders. For such a slender guy, Norbert was surprisingly heavy. Maybe it’s muscle from all those textbooks he lugs around… or from wandering around campus for hours each day.

     It really says something about the quality of our food when the dining hall has its own paramedics team. They sprang into action and resuscitated him in no time. Of course, by this point, everyone and their grandmother circled around us like a Noil entraps its prey. When Norbert awoke, he asked us what happened. So as good friends do, we told him that he ate a Mystery Meat Sandwich—nobody knows what’s in that thing. It’s a good thing Norbert couldn’t remember anything from before he decorated the table. None of the vultures surrounding the scene corrected us; Dani made a poignant glare that quieted even the smarmiest of students.

     And that, my fair readers, is why Blumaroo Steak is on our top 10. Evidently, “The Norbert Incident” is one that will not fade so quickly from student memory…

     9) Bucket Full of Goo


     Chef Bonju is known throughout the land… as a mediocre chef. One of his “masterpieces” made its way to the BVU kitchen and it’s sure to make the average stomach summersault. It takes like tar sweetened with honey, or at least, that is what our eyewitness accounts say. Neopia fell into a frenzy to find the Aisha navigator of the Cyodrake’s Gaze named Hoban, after he disappeared from the flying vessel. As it turns out, he was the only crew member who dared to mock Bonju’s cooking openly. Perhaps I should stop by descriptions there—I don’t want to be thrown overboard by mad chef!

     8) Mutant Ketchup


     Hoo boy. You ever see something in the dining hall that screams “don’t eat me?” more than the mutant ketchup? Let’s just say there are rumors about this particular brand. You see, rumour has it that Dr. Sloth himself tampered with this ketchup. Not every bottle, mind you, that would be too obvious. It’s apparently quite tasty if you’re willing to take a risk. But heed my warning: one in every 1000 bottles acts like a transmogrification potion. And unless you want to become, erm, less easy on the eyes (no offense to my mutant classmates) I would highly recommend against using this sauce on your food.

     7) Slorg Ice Cream


     Have you ever bit into an ice cream that sticks to the roof of your mouth like glue? How about your tongue, your hands, your napkin, and the table? Although the BVU dining hall staff vehemently denies allegations of Slorgs making their way into the food, popular opinion says otherwise. It wouldn’t taste half-bad if not for the fact that it has a doughy, almost squishy consistency that squirts slime into your mouth with every bite. If you do order a cone, be sure to eat it quickly lest the slime slough off onto your hands and get everywhere. Because believe me, no professor is happy when you hand them a gunk-covered term paper—especially when it’s coated in Slorg slime.

     6) Mayonnaise Doughnut


     I have to admit, this makes for a great prank food. Not when you’re the unsuspecting victim, mind you. I saw this doughnut sitting untouched in the bakery section of the dining hall and took it without a second thought. Rarely—quite rarely—the dining hall serves “normal” food. Weird, I know. I mistakenly thought this might fall under that category. Boy, was I wrong. Mayo does not taste good in a doughnut, full stop. I spent the better half of my lunch chugging water in the desperate attempt to wash down the flavour.

     5) Carawool


     The caramel wouldn’t taste half-bad if not for the fact that you’re chewing on a ball of wool. Ever eaten your own shirt? Me neither, but the carawool seems like the next closest thing. It has a fluffy, cotton-candy-like texture reminiscent of a sugary boardwalk treat. Unfortunately, the chunks feel scratchy in your throat. They stick in your oesophagus and make it feel itchy. Not a particularly safe food for choking hazard reasons, and some students are moving to have it banned from the dining hall.

     4) Anything Soup


     A Brightvale University staple, this dish has been frightening the masses since Y5. The chefs will add practically anything into this dish, so student beware. And yes, I truly do mean anything. The kitchen sink couldn’t fit in the previous batch so he settled for the bathroom sink instead. Imagine a stew with random vegetables, meats, and spices garnished with whatever the chef has available within reach. If you’re feeling lucky (and have a strong stomach) it may be worth trying. Then again, last week there was a sparkle potion incident. Lady Kayla’s potion made it into the soup and made an entire dorm hall of students shine brighter than a mirror ball. It would have been hilarious if it wasn’t so blinding.

     3) Mop n Slop


     This is what happens when you let the janitor collaborate with Cosmic Corp to make an “innovative new dish.” It combines all the elements of an average BVU wastebin with the texture of a rotten banana peel. Needless to say, it’s not a very well-received dish on-campus. If you dare to eat it, grab a blindfold, nose plugs, and a few squirts of hot sauce. Only then will it taste decent.

     2) Worm infested cheese


     Some Pteris might call this meal a protein-packed treat, maybe even a few Lennies, but most Neopians agree: a cheese with large, brightly coloured worms wriggling on your plate does not make for a delectable dish. At least the cheese itself is a sort of sharp cheddar, decently commonplace for something coming from our campus kitchen. Why are the worms multicoloured, you ask? Apparently, it has something to do with the soil—that’s what the biology department is saying anyway. So, if you see any green worms… maybe avoid eating those.

     1) Mystery Meat Sandwich


     Technically, this is another so-called “Spooky Food,” or food from the Haunted Woods, so probably not under Cosmic Corp’s direct influence. Even so, trust me, it earns a spot on this list. As Haibara, a former “Golden Quill” writer wrote: “I'm a Draik of science first and foremost, and have spent countless hours trying to figure out what the ingredients are in this sandwich. Let's just say... you probably don't want to know.” When I asked the chemistry department for an elaboration on her claims, they responded the same way: “you really, really don’t want to know.” Evidently, the contents of BVU’s mystery meat will remain an enigma for generations to come. But please, take my word on it, you don’t want to eat the mystery meat. Last time I poked it with a fork, it hissed at me. I think this sandwich is alive.

     There you have it, folks, the top ten most disgusting or downright terrifying foods at Brightvale University dining hall based on a student opinion poll. If I was to assign a grade to all of these foods, it would be a solid D- for some, and a definite F for others (I’m looking at you, Mystery Meat Sandwich.) So, if you want to make it through your 2-4 years at Brightvale University, make sure you know which meals to eat and which ones to avoid. And if at all possible, find your food elsewhere.


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