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Kiss The Mortog: A Guide To Keeping Clean

by alienigenosidad


Deep in the countryside of Meridell, tucked away near King Skarl and not far from the rare riches collected by Illusen, there is a warty Grundo surrounded by Mortogs. No, he doesn't quite fit in with the group. The kind Gelert from Meri Acre Farms prefers to keep his distance, and that little Kacheek who spends his day counting potatoes won't even exchange a hello. No one is quite sure where this Grundo came from, why he has so many Mortogs, or how many Neopoints he has to spend to clean up the mess made by Neopians trying to find a prince, but what we do know is that he has great riches to offer us!

The point of this game is simple: kiss the right frog and reveal a prince. This should be easy, I mean it's a prince disguised as a petpet, you'd think there'd be a visual cue or something. Nope. No way. This Grundo has some crazy magic (or something...) that makes it indistinguishable who is a petpet and who is a prince. You could spend hours studying each Mortog and you'd be none the wiser for it.

Now, if you kiss the correct Mortog you'll see a significant jump in your Neopoints. You can collect your Neopoints or gamble them again for even greater wealth. If you are able to reveal 4 princes, you'll get 5,900 Neopoints AND a shiny new avatar to use on the Neoboards. If you want the avatar, you must collect your points after 4 princes. However, if you are here for the Grundo's wealth, keep going. After a mere 7 kisses you'll be rewards with the ultimate prize: 2,000,000 Neopoints. Yes, that's enough to buy both Meri Acre Farms and all that Kacheek's potatoes (though you may not ever know really how many potatoes there are).

This game is fairly cheap to play, at only 50 Neopoints per round, so don't sweat it too much if you have to play quite a bit. It's easy to get nervous in the later rounds, as the reward stacks up and the pressure is on, but take a deep breath and relax. You'll do just fine! I'm here to give you some specific tips and strategy on how to make it through this (often) frustrating game. Just remember, however frustrated you are, you aren't as frustrated as these poor Mortog's who keep blowing up when they get kissed. With all that being said, let's get into my suggestions for beating the odds and walking away a millionaire!

Use A Pattern

Since there is no discernable difference between the Mortogs, we can only assume the game is completely random. You essentially have absolutely no way in the world to figure out just which Mortog is going to be the charming prince or if it will explode in your face and create quite the mess. If you click randomly each time, you're going to end up pulling your hair out with frustration, so I have a small technique I use. I create a pattern in my head, where I will choose the same Mortog on each turn. I choose the first Mortog in round one, the last Mortog in round two, the second Mortog in round three, the second to last Mortog in round four, etc. Breaking that down into digits: 1 3 2 3 3 3 4 over the seven rounds. This gives me something constant to rely on, and a way to keep myself getting stressed and feeling like I have no control. It keeps me from questioning "what if I just chose this one" or overthinking about which one to pick cause I repeat time and time again.

Know Your Limits

Few games are as stressful as Kiss The Mortog, it ranks right up there with Double Or Nothing and not far behind Tyranu Evavu (at least in Tyranu Evavu you have some more control over your fate). You need to be able to decide when to walk away, otherwise you're blood pressure is going to shoot off the charts. I recommend setting a game limit, maybe 25 games a day, or even as few as 10. It all depends what you're patience (and bank account) can handle. If you're going for an avatar, you need to hit 5,900 points, if you want a decent trophy you'll need even more. It's going to take a lot of time and a lot of plays and a lot of luck to muster up those points and wrangle in all the princes. Know your limit and walk away when you hit it. Drink some water, take a hot shower, and come back tomorrow.

Don't Give Up

With all the frustration, with all the Mortog guts, and with the creepy red-eyed Grundo watching your every move, you're bound to want to quit at some point or another. Don't!!! You can do this! Like the previous tip, if you need to step away for a period, do it, but don't throw in the towel completely. Even if you are on a streak and you are one prince away from an avatar or trophy and you're like "I've gone far enough", push through. Push for greatness, go for the gold and take that chance. If you don't, you'll only have a few extra Neopoints, not a shiny new trophy or an avatar to brag with all over the Neoboards. Remind yourself that you can do this, not only will you have all these cool things but you'll also be rewarded with a newfound patience in life...and a lot of dirty outfits covered in slimy Mortog pieces.

With this new knowledge, you can conquer the beast. The tiny petpet that hates kisses and sometimes turns into a prince. You can bamboozle the bazaar bug-eyed Grundo, maybe one day you'll even earn his crown. You'll be known from Mystery Island to the Ice Caves as the world's best kisser and have enough princes chasing you that you could populate a new land. A land where you never have to see another Mortog again. I wish you luck in this journey and hope I was able to help you at least a little bit!

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