Altador Cup XI Match Report: In the Commentary Box

Hi there, and welcome to the eleventh incarnation of the Altador Cup! I’m Kuszemi, and I’m here today with Tobias Sigmir and Hovri Sweet, who will be walking us through the match. Despite the high emotions from all sides, the morning papers describe this as a friendly match. We'll see how friendly it is when the first tackles start flying in. Today the participating teams are Haunted Woods and Darigan Citadel. Say hello, boys!

Tobias Sigmir: Hiya there!

Hovri Sweet: Hi!

Layton Vickles: What am I doing here? I need to get my teeth into some undead playerssss…

Krell Vitor: Oi! Watch where you’re pointing those fangs, Canine!

Kuszemi: (hastily) Right then, that’s it for the nice hellos. Off you go to the field, then.

(Layton Vickles and Krell Vitor leave, gnashing their teeth. Tobias, Hovri and Kuszemi settle down on the plush armchairs.)

Tobias Sigmir: Here come the Haunted Woods team now. Leading them is their captain, Krell Vitor, and bringing up the rear is Mortigan Usul. What’s that he’s munching? Is that a muffin?

Kuszemi: (coughs somewhat contritely) Yes, I do believe it’s a Brain Muffin.

Hovri Sweet: Battledome equipment of any sort is strictly prohibited within Yooyuball matches. That applies to dead and living players alike. Oh look, there’s the Scorchio referee, coming to intercept Mortigan. He’s blowing his whistle, and by Fyora, he does not look amused.

Tobias Sigmir: Neither does Krell Vitor. Here he comes now. He’s talking to Mortigan – can’t hear what he’s saying – but he’s gesticulating wildly at the Yooyuball.

Hovri Sweet: Mortigan’s swallowed the rest of the muffin. They’re settling into their formation now. The referee’s walking away. Suppose it’s the mark of a real captain, isn’t it Tobias, getting your team members to listen to you and call a spade a spade?

Kuszemi: Team HW’s falling into formation now, and my old friend Mortigan looks like he’s ready to do some damage to anyone who’s unfortunate enough to get between him and any potential brains, muffins or otherwise.

Tobias Sigmir: I didn’t want to mention it whilst Krell Vitor was here as I didn’t fancy being bitten and zombiefied, but I think we can all agree that last year was an unprecedented flop for Team Haunted Woods, coming in at the very bottom of the league tables. Considering the fact that they’re the only team so far to win the championship twice, I hope they’ve been putting in some extra practice this year. Wouldn’t want them to embarrass themselves again, in broad daylight too.

Hovri Sweet: Darigan Citadel did slightly better, coming in at ninth place, but still somewhat underwhelming compared to their past achievements. They’ve vowed that they will come back this year with a vengeance, bigger and better than before.

Kuszemi: The Darigan team is out on the field now. Can you feel the apprehension in the air? Just listen to that, the crowd is going wild. The hatch is opening. Aha – it’s a Normal Yooyu.

Hovri Sweet: Layton Vickles gets the ball. Well, that escalated quickly. Zo Junior is hot upon his heels. Just look at him go! Vickles slithers through Mortigan and Talvos, and he SHOOTS!

(There is a roar from the crowd, and all three commentators lean forward eagerly)

Tobias Sigmir: Well then! He's beaten the wall, he's beaten the goalie but unfortunately he's also beaten the post. Nothing but a couple of Draik eggs there.

Hovri Sweet: The ball’s gone to Krell Vitor, our dependable HW captain. Talvos is shadowing him, Krell’s going to pass to him – oh, he’s dropped the ball.

Kuszemi: Not so dependable after all, then. Do you mind if I take a short break? Be right back.

Hovri Sweet: Not at all, my dear fellow. Toilet’s on the left.

(Kuszemi leaves the commentator pod)

Tobias Sigmir: And it’s Mortigan, Mortigan grabs the ball, and now he’s hurtling with all his might towards the goalie. He shoots – Reshar Collifey dives to save – and misses – and it’s a goal!! The first goal of the match goes to Team HW.

Hovri Sweet: Will you just listen to that hullaballoo. The crowd are loving this, well, at least the ones not supporting Darigan. Oh, wait! What’s happening? Zo gets the ball, he’s passing it to Mortigan. Mortigan in possession. HE SHOOTS – AND IT’S ANOTHER RINGER FOR HIM! Two goals in ten seconds from the undead Usul! Did you just see what happened, Toby?

Tobias Sigmir: I most certainly did. Makes it look easy, doesn’t he? This one’s definitely going to put him in the record books.

Hovri Sweet: Krell V’s got the ball now. He’s hurtling up the left wing. Where is Kep Bonnefie? It’s getting embarrassing. This could be a third goal. It IS a third goal! Three-nil!

Hovri Sweet: Look stunned, don’t they, the players?

Tobias Sigmir: They sure do. Just look at Vickles, he’s completely in shock, the poor chap. As are we all, really. The audience – we – cannot believe what we have just witnessed. The real question here facing the Darigans is, how do they shake up – the unshakeable?

Hovri Sweet: A dizzying – thirty seconds – leaves Darigan Citadel nonplussed. It’s really about restoring pride now, for them.

Tobias Sigmir: Well, who wants the ball now. Let’s be brave, stop dithering about like that.

(Kuszemi returns, sees the screen and the score. His jaw drops.)

Kuszemi: Three nil? Three nil? Is the screen broken?

Tobias Sigmir: Indeed it’s not. You just missed three goals.

Kuszemi: Three goals? I go to the toilet for barely half a minute and Haunted Woods scores three goals!?

Tobias Sigmir: I should have that engraved and framed and put on my mantelpiece. It was their finest moment.

Hovri Sweet: Poor Darigan Citadel. Brutal, that was.

Tobias Sigmir: Afraid the dream is gone for them. Blown to smithereens, by the way.

Kuszemi: Tandrak Shaye’s got the ball now. Let’s see if he can – uh – salvage something from the sinking ship that is Team Darigan. Still can’t believe I missed that, by the way. Ramping up he is. He shoots – I really think he’s got it – oh, never mind about that. Still three nil. I hope the crowd didn’t notice him tripping over his own tail.

Hovri Sweet: Oh dear. Oh Darigan. They should have scored. Tandrak Shaye at the fore, they've opened up the zombies and here's Shaye with the chance! He just sort of tumbles over, like a sad and dying tree.

Tobias Sigmir: Krell Vitor gets the ball, he’s doing some passing with Crade Talvos. Layton Vickles is trying to get between them. Couple of handbags there, the Hissi looks like he’s losing the rag. Red card for the captain would be a fitting final indignity. The referee chills everyone down.

Kuszemi: Tormo Frein has the ball, and he gives it away cheaply. Zo’s pounding up the right wing – might this be their fourth goal – he scores! Four nil!

Hovri Sweet: Atrocious failure to save the goal, really thought Reshar Collifey had that one, but everything for Team Darigan today seems to have gone pear shaped so far. And like an archaeologist, this keeper's career is in ruins. If you ask me, he should probably go back to working the help desk at the Cosmic Dome.

Tobias Sigmir: Twenty seconds to go till the match ends. Some of these are career low performances. Reshar Collifey, the poor bloke is a laughing stock. Ditto Kep Bonnefie. Tandrak Shaye, well all the bad bits have been in full effect. Layton Vickles is probably the worst of the lot, just wandering up the right wing, missing from his post time and again.

Kuszemi: Krell Vitor nicks the ball from Tormo. Zo is matching him pace for pace. Will he pass to Zo, or does he want to take this one on himself? He’s calling it! He scores! Five nil! Just hear that, resounding silence from the Darigan side. I think everyone’s just gobsmacked at this point.

Hovri Sweet: Criminal defending from Darigan. The captain of the opposition ... just left to his own devices near the back post to sidewing the ball into the net. Shocker.

Kuszemi: Five seconds to go. Layton Vickles gets the ball, and he’s streaking up the left wing. Look at that, they’re just letting him go. Out of sympathy, do you think? A consolation goal of sorts?

Tobias Sigmir: Very probably. Fanetti isn’t even bothering. 5:1. And with that, Layton V scores the most useless of Altador Cup goals.

Hovri Sweet: Time’s up, fellas. This is one for the books. Haunted Woods scores a resounding victory over Darigan Citadel. Thank you for being here with us today, and please stay tuned for the next match, which I and my lovely colleagues will be co-hosting.

Kuszemi: This is Kuszemi for the Neopian Times, live in Altador! Thank you for watching.