An Interview with the Grumpy Mummy

Kuszemi: Hello there! This is Kuszemi at your service. Today I’m here with the Usul Appreciation Club by courtesy of our dear fellow Usul Brains Mortigan, who has very kindly booked us an interview with the Grumpy Mummy of the Awakened faction. Mind you, I had to bribe him with a month’s supply of Brain Muffins. As I understand it, Mortigan is also a member of the Awakened, although he generally leaves most of the fighting to his fellow team members. (turns to Brains) Why is that, Mortigan?

Brains: Arr? I though’ we be interviewin’ the Grumpy Mummy today, not me.

Grumpy Mummy: AARRRRGHHH...

Brains: (sniggers in reply) I know. I told yer.

Kuszemi: Mortigan, you promised not to be snide today. Now just answer the question, please. Grumpy Mummy, you’re up next.

Brains: It’s obvious, innit! More brains to be had in the Haunted Woods. No brains ‘ere. No brains in the Obelisk. All you have is that blinkin’ omelette.

Grumpy Mummy: ARRRGGHHH..

Brains: Arr, I know. Lot o’ fuss over nothing. Now if they started makin’ Brain Omelettes, tha’ would be a diff’rent story.

Kuszemi: Fair enough. So, Grumpy Mummy, could you please tell us a bit about why you decided to join Awakened?

Grumpy Mummy: URRRRGGHHHH...

Brains: (sniggers in agreement) I did warn yer that he’s not the slimiest brain in the box.

Kuszemi: Hey! Though I suppose in hindsight that wasn’t the cleverest thing to ask. Next question then. Grumpy Mummy, Mortigan tells me that you play Yooyuball quite well. Have you ever considered going in for the Altador Cup?

Grumpy Mummy: ARRGGHHHHH!

Brains: Quite right yer are. Horribly damp the field can get at times. Even yer Dehydration Potion wouldn’ do the trick, methinks.

Kuszemi: So the field makes you decompose faster.

Grumpy Mummy: ARGH.

Kuszemi: On another note, I hope this isn’t too personal, but pray, why are you grumpy?

Grumpy Mummy: GNNNGGNHH!! AAAAARRGGHHHH!! (His eyes begin to glow green and several of his bandages begin to unravel. Kuszemi and the other Usuls take a step back.)

Brains: (to Kuszemi) Now yer’ve done it. How would yer feel if you had to fight in the Ugga Dome day in, day out, wi’ no brains ter be had?

Kuszemi: They don’t feed you brains? Well, that’s just barbaric.

Grumpy Mummy: URGGHHH.

Brains: Quite right. That’s why I stopped going to all them Battledome matches. That flippin’ Zombie Hooligan eats everythin’ in sight without so much as a by yer leave. Can’ even get half a brain in sideways.

Kuszemi: Well, I wasn’t planning on bringing these out, but the thought of a fellow Usul being deprived of food makes my blood boil. Here you go, then. Brains, I brought some for you too. (produces two boxes of Brain Muffins, which the undead Usuls fall upon greedily.)

Grumpy Mummy: Righ’ then, tha’s much better. Thank you kindly, I’m sure.

Kuszemi: (jaw drops to the floor) You can TALK properly?

Grumpy Mummy: Sure I can. I jus’ needed a brain or five in me. (burps extremely loudly. Some of the Usuls turn up their tails in disgust.) Now that’s some good old Year 3 brain, that is.

Kuszemi: Where did you live before you became all, well, bandaged up?

Grumpy Mummy: Before all this ‘appened, I was the Grand Food Taster for King Coltzan the Third, may his Highness watch over the shrine in peace.

Kuszemi: You were? But wait. If Coltzan had you taste the food first, how did the poisoned dishes get past you?

Grumpy Mummy: Delayed reaction. Turns out that double-faced conniving little Khamtef Aisha had been trying to poison his Majesty for weeks. He didn’t eat all of the food that was prepared for him, but I did. I built up a resistance to the poison she used, see. Last straw broke my back, though.

Kuszemi: My condolences, and my sincere apologies for doubting you. So then Lanie and Lillie resurrected you to fight in the Obelisk War.

Grumpy Mummy: One obelisk for another.

Kuszemi: Still, that’s a terribly long way to transport an undead warrior.

Brains: One obelisk ter rule ‘em all.

Grumpy Mummy: And in the brains, unite them.

Brains: (more morosely than usual) Or so we were led ter believe.

Hannah: I’m sorry to interrupt like this, Kuszemi, but is Awakened is the only faction we’re supposed to meet today?

Kuszemi: (tries to keep his composure) Yes, by all means. Just Awakened. May I ask why?

Garin: (snorts derisively) I’d like to ask Hannah why too. Of course, she probably won’t tell you that it has everything to do with a certain Gelert who claims to be a Master Thief, yet has only stolen a handful of victories for his faction after almost three years of skirmishing.

Hannah: Oh, go eat a Koi, Garin. At least Kanrik wasn’t idiotic enough to let himself get caught by his enemy.

Garin: You’re right, he didn’t. He ran right back into their arms.

Hannah: (bristling) At least he came back to me afterwards, which is more than I can say for you.

Kuszemi: (hurriedly steps on Garin’s footpaw before Garin can make a retort) Ahem! Much as I would like to hear more about this, could we please get back to the Grumpy Mummy?

Garin: Ouch, that hurt. Kuszemi, look. You broke my big toe nail. I think I’m going to have to leave early to take care of it. I left my nail clippers on the Black Pawkeet. Which I captain, for those of you who don’t know.

Hannah: Still as vain as ever, I see.

Garin: (with a smirk) Well, I am known for my smouldering good looks and I can’t help it I’m popular. You of all Usuls should know that.

Hannah: (rolls her eyes) Oh, get over yourself, Garin. You’re not THAT good looking.

Garin: Neither is Kanrik! What’s so cool about him, anyway?

Sally: Well, he is tall, dark, mysterious and rugged. And he does have great hair. (She and some of the younger Usuls giggle admiringly.)

Garin: Oy! You’re supposed to be on my side, you are! (winces) And urgh, this nail is just as impossible as you lot. Right, that’s it. I’m leaving.

Grooming Parlour Shopkeeper: Oh, you poor darling! Would you like to borrow my Usuki Perfect Nails Set?

Garin: Why yes fair damsel I most certainly would. Perhaps we could go get a manicure together. I know an amazing place in Maraqua. (He proffers his arm to the Grooming Parlour Shopkeeper, and flashes a smug smirk at Hannah, who rolls her eyes)

Grooming Parlour Shopkeeper: (takes his arm and they both walk out, apparently lost in animated conversation as everyone stares on incredulously) Oooh I would love that! You know, I never had you pegged as someone who was fastidious about their appearance... but then again, there’s no denying that you’re an Usul through and through, is there? I have to say, Mr. Garin, I’ve always admired how your hair stays immaculate even during the most dreadful underwater swordfights. You must go through crates of hairspray.

Garin: Obviously you’ve never seen Jacques in action. He’s always very secretive about his hair products. Sixteen years I’ve known him and I still don’t know what brand of conditioner he uses... (Their voices and the Grooming Parlour Shopkeeper’s titters gradually fade away)

Kuszemi: Really? Garin and the Grooming Parlour Shopkeeper? Well, I don’t think anyone saw THAT coming... Ahem. I think we’re running out of time, so we’ll call it a day. Thank you for your time today, Grumpy Mummy. As a token of our gratitude, please accept this Usul Club Appreciation T-shirt, along with an exclusive invitation to join us every Thursday. This is Kuszemi, live from the Tyrannian Plateau. Until next time!