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The Essential Items to Survive the Wraith Apocalypse

by azusa_k


HIDING BEHIND A ROCK SOMEWHERE - So you've probably heard that Neopia is being invaded! Those pesky Wraiths have finally broken through the barrier and us Neopets are being done away with. It's alright for now, of course, while their sights are set firmly on those Faeries (which is fine with me; I was never fond of them anyway). But soon … soon the empty eyes of the Wraiths shall turn on us innocent Neopets, and we'll not have the Faeries as bait protection.

But hey, don't despair! Stop crying, over there, you big baby! I'm here to tell you what to gather before you flee your Neohome in fear. Follow this list, and you'll be able to survive out in the wild, hiding from the Wraiths for oooh, at least 3 days. Uh, I mean weeks! Or a year? I don't know, however long sounds like it will bring you comfort; the Times only commissioned this piece to keep everyone from going raving mad. In reality, there's no way you're going to last very long out ther—

I mean – have no fear! The Times will prepare you, and you can feel relief in the fact that those pesky Wraiths won't ever be able get to you if you have these items on your person. :)))

Without further ado, here is the list of the eleven essential items you'll need to survive the Wraith invasion!

1. A Bag – Lulu

This one is obvious, since you definitely won't be able to carry much without one of these on your person. I recommend an Explorer's Backpack, which is nice and sturdy. It also has exactly 37 different pockets - one for every need - which'll help you keep organised and neat while running for your life, which is clearly a top priority! Plus, super fashionable at the moment, given that brown is the "in" colour right now, an all-important factor at a time like this.

But if you don't have one of those and can't loot borrow it from your local store, grab anything sturdy-looking. If all else fails, use a thick jumper to knot into a knapsack or a tie a scarf around a stick and do it the old-fashioned way.

Don't be this guy … His estimated survival time is about 3 minutes.

2. Water – Azusa

I don't have to tell you this, do I? As I'm sure you've learned from Neoschool, water makes up 68.8% of a Neopet's body. Without water, you start to feel thirsty and sooner or later you'll feel dizzy and lethargic and as the days pass, your skin will start to shrivel up and … *shivers* ugh … I don't want to think about it anymore. I'll just tell you this: you definitely do not want this to happen to you.

Now, I know what you're thinking: buy the Bottle of Water, lots and lots of 'em. Yes, that's absolutely correct, but do you want to save on those Neopoints? In that case, I've got just the tip for you. Don't buy the Bottle of Water. Buy Two Bottles of Water. Trust me, not only are the two flasks half the price of one, if you divide the price between the Two Bottles of Water, one would only cost half of half the price of a Bottle of Water! For Fire and Magma pets, I'm sure you can heat the water with your fire powers. You can also buy a Borovan thermos and then store all your hot water in there. I know it says Borovan but it works just as well for water and is the easiest to steal cheapest one.

You won't want to know what'll happen to this Ettaphant a week later.

3. Food – Azusa

We're not going to live very long with only water. So what's the other important thing to pack with you? D-d-d-d-drumroll, please! It's food!

In this situation, canned and tinned foods are very convenient since they can last for a long time and most of them are nutritious too. Canned Ham is a good choice but there are other options such as a Can of Pickled Spinach, Can of Sausages or perhaps a Tin of Sardines. Furthermore, I've got great news for all you Lupes out there! Besides being tasty, the Silver Lupe Canned Chia Fruit is of high nutritional value, so be sure to snag them off the shelves before the other Lupes do. Alternatively, hunt for those Chias less prepared than you who are also hiding in the woods!

Also, I recommend that you bring a few packets of crisps and biscuits to enjoy yourself from time to time while you're exposing yourself to enemies safe and sound in the dense forest.

Don't let its appearance or origin fool you. Just follow my advice and you'll thank me later … *mutters* if you manage to make it through.

4. Medicine – Azusa

There's no way you're going to be able to find a doctor in these kinds of circumstances if you catch a disease. Why? Because the doctors themselves are hiding too (or, if they were Chias, being devoured by Lupes). But fear not, for there exists a Doctors Bag! This bag contains various types of medicines which can cure a wide range of diseases. It also comes with a handy little book which lists down all kinds of illnesses with their respective cures.

Do be careful though, it does not list anything else – only the cures. The company who printed these books will not be responsible for any harm caused due to an overdose of medicine. Rest assured, with a few tries *cough*, you'll have enough experience to become your own doctor *cough*.

If Anshu can get through with experience and no formal training, then you can too!

5. Weapons – Azusa

While the chances of encountering a Wraith are 99.9 perc – ehem – I mean, unlikely unless you're unlucky, I strongly advise you to carry a weapon on your person at all times. Ever heard of Brynn's Legendary Sword of Wraith Smiting? That, my fellow Neopian, is the perfect weapon to eliminate even the strongest of Wraiths. Just a swoosh and a whoosh and they'll vaporize instantly! However, if you can't afford the million-neopoint item or choose to be a dimwit spend less, any Faerie weapon would suffice.

I understand that some Neopets *cough* weaklings *cough* prefer to stay a far distance away from the Wraiths. If you fall under this category, I suggest you get yourself a Desert Arrow Launcher. This inexpensive item helps a lot in that it makes the Wraith raging mad and by all means, try to feast on your soul distracts the Wraith but sadly, it doesn't do much damage.

On the bright side, at least you're having some fun and exercise … right?

Another solution, if you don’t mind sacrificing some petpetpets. This Mootix looks really brave.

6. Bedding & Clothing – Lulu

The comfort level of sleeping on a forest floor is roughly around 0. Nobody likes it, nobody sleeps well, and everyone moans about the kink in their back that they'll never manage to get out at this rate. Do you want this to happen to you? Hint: the answer is 'no'. Take yourself a nice fluffy pillow to rest your head, or even Tarla's Travel Pillow1 so you can even sleep sitting up against a tree!

Any blanket or sheet will do, but I highly recommend bringing a Walking Carpet with you for extra … uh, padding from the floor. Please don't report me to the Petpet Protection League!

As for clothing, at least one extra set of clothes is advised. Don't go for anything garish like your favourite highlighter yellow Kookith T-Shirt - that won't help you hide out! Depending on where you'll be going into hiding, you'll probably want more neutral tones like brown, black and earth greens. Make sure they're sensible clothes too – no ball gowns allowed! You'll want loose, comfortable clothing and a good pair of walking boots.

Gilly's glad she took our advice and packed an extra pair of pants.

1 Sore neck? Unable to sleep well? The solution is right in front of you – Tarlas Travel Pillow suits all occasions, whether you’re sleeping on your bed, on concrete floor or even up in a tree! Limited stocks on sale at selected stores. Hurry and get yours now! This advert is brought to you by the Gift Shop.

7. Entertainment – Lulu

Nobody said running for your life was any fun, now, did they? After the first hour or so, the adrenaline will wear off and you'll find that scavenging for berries and trying to fashion a loin cloth out of tree bark are no fun. So, you better bring something to do!

You'll want at least one game. I recommend a deck of cards so you can play a nice game of Sakhmet Solitaire on your own. A Mark of Ta-Kutep Bat and Ball Game will allow you to spend hours of fun and result in repetitive strain injury you forgetting all about the horrible situation you've found yourself in! Yay!

Alternatively, take a book you don't mind reading over and over again. Basic Survival Skills is an obvious one, since I haven't bothered mentioning things like matches, tinder, sunscreen, and petpetpet repellant, as well as a slough of other things that might have helped you to survive – so maybe it's better to get your advice from a few different sources. I mean, not that fire is that essential, and an Itchi bite surely won't hurt you if left unattended.

Or something like that.

Technically, this running for your life business is just one big game of hide and seek.

8. Captive Shadow Wraith – Lulu

These bundles of, uh, something mysterious and dark were bandied around after the fall of Faerieland -the beginning of this end that has begun to descend on Neopia. “Oh, what fun!” the Neopians cried as they naively adopted these traitorous spies into their homes, made excuses after they ripped their sofas to bits and pretended they didn't defy the laws of physics by existing as both a gas and a solid simultaneously.

So what good is it to take one of these little blighters off into the woods with you? Well for one, they don't need to eat, so forget that needy Kad that's "cute" but always begging for seconds.

But what they really do well for is – hostages. Cruelty, you cry, to use a petpet as a commodity to be traded!

Well, you won't be saying that when you're in dire straits. Imagine this: you’re in the middle of the forest and you've come face-to-face with a Wraith who’s threatening you with vaguely ominous things (please use your own imagination here, we don't all have enough to go around). The Wraith thinks that it has you backed into a corner and that you're powerless to stop it, something it's sure of once it witnessed your pitiful sword-fighting skills.

Aha! That's when, from behind your back, you produce your Captive Shadow Wraith! You hold your trusty Butter Knife to it and tell the Wraith: "let me go, or the petpet gets it!"

You watch as the Wraith's eyeless sockets widen, and it gasps in shock at your cunning and wit. It concedes, and you escape unscathed.

See? They aren't really petpets. They're an essential survival tool!

A face only a mother could love. Well, her and that weird old Kacheek who lives down the street who smells vaguely of old crisps and owns fifteen of them.

9. Wraith Paint Brush – Lulu

Look, don't call me a defeatist but – well, sometimes you just have to admit defeat rather than be soul-sucked by a wraith. It hurts, okay? Those big menacing death claws aren't there because Wraiths are herbivores, no sirree.

So when push comes to shove and you find yourself surrounded, having a Wraith Paint Brush on hand might be very useful. All you need is a quick once-over, and you can camouflage yourself among the Wraiths. You just need to make that weird gurgling sound they do when they see Neopets and try to smell less delicious.

It's a last resort, but it's always good to have one of those up your sleeve when your back is against the wall, to butcher some metaphors.

Swallowing souls too fast without chewing can lead to some serious indigestion.

10. Invisible Paint Brush – Azusa

If compromising and camouflaging have failed you, don't give up hope yet! There's still one last and final super-duper amazing foolproof plan, and it is time to reveal it to you. May I announce … the Invisible Paint Brush! Dun dun dun. You will turn … you guessed it! … invisible when you paint yourself with it. You will cease to exist visually. Isn't that great? The Wraiths won't be able to target you if they can't spot you.

Reminder! The method mentioned above would be infallible if you played your part as well. It's not going to work if you look but don't act invisible. That made sense, right? You know, like … portraying that you're invisible. If a Wraith sees a cookie being munched away in midair, I’m not the one to blame for the enemy hunting you down. Otherwise, all credit goes to me, obviously. :)

Good luck finding that at the bottom of your bag.

Please note that the Neopian Times or myself are not responsible for any harm or loss that you suffer in relation to any use you make of this article.

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