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The Ten Worst Petpets for Faerieland: A List


by bizniscorg

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If you’ve ever visited my homeland of Faerieland, you know exactly how full of purple, fluffy nonsense it is. Sure, it’s cute for the first week or so, but being surrounded by the same pink billowy clouds day after day gets exhausting. You know what else is exhausting? Choosing a petpet. There are countless combinations, even more than there are for pets themselves! In an effort to make petpet hunting more fun, I decided to intentionally find the grossest, meanest petpets and try them out for a day in the sweet, charming realm of Faerieland. Fortunately for anyone else sharing in my exhaustion, I’m the type that likes to turn my strife into helpful advice, and that’s exactly what I’ll be doing here. In this guide, I’m going to list the 10 petpets I think are most suited to making mischief in Faerieland, without getting the Defenders on your tail.

10. Bearog - A bare necessi-three

While I enjoyed carrying around my Bearog, I found it to be not nearly scary enough. Sure, it has three heads, but at the end of the day, it’s a teddy bear with a Doglefox body. Most citizens I came across were all too happy to pat its head, and that just won’t do. However, I would still recommend the Bearog for your skittish Kacheek who pretends to like being afraid until they actually get scared.

You haven’t even seen my claws yet!

9. Furwitch - A magical choice

Faerieland is all about magic, so what better choice is there than something magical, but still kinda gross? A Furwitch is a great petpet, as its sickly green color and pointy hat will keep everyone from thinking you give a hoot about blending in. People will want to touch it, but they’ll be apprehensive due to their fear of curses, so you get to relish all the forced polite smiles. These pets are relatively low maintenance, with only one rule: Do not. Remove. The hat. (I learned this one the hard way.)

It keeps me brain in.

8. Baraga - Hairy, but scary

The Baraga is my number 8 choice on account of its furriness. At first glance, everyone will think, “Aww, how cute and fluffy and not at all grotesque!” Don’t worry, all that will change once your lovely petpet turns around. Wait til your friends get a loada those teeth, huh? “What kind of gremlin is that?!”, they might say. “One with fantastic dental hygiene,” you might say back. If nothing else, your Baraga will inspire everyone to get regular checkups and start flossing again.

These pearly whites didn’t get this sharp on their own.

7. Horus - Where’s he looking?!

If you want your petpet to only be slightly unsettling and not cause too much of a fuss, the Horus is for you. Perched up high and always looking slightly to the right, all your neighbors will be forever wondering just who he’s eyeing. These pets are brilliant, so you don’t even have to worry with taking time out of your busy schedule to train your Horus to unnerve. Your Horus likely won’t attack anyone, but if he starts to look to the left, I advise you keep him indoors.

Just keep to the left of me and we won’t have any problems.

6. Tentacle - Slimy, yet satisfying

A simple, no-nonsense petpet, the Tentacle is the ideal choice for someone who secretly likes clinginess--and lots of goo. You can stick this petpet on your window, or on your bicep for easy travel. The creepy benefits of owning a Tentacle include: strangers stopping you in the street to see if you have a slippery green growth; strangers with actual slippery green growths stopping you in the hopes that they might’ve finally found someone who understands; and people, many people, asking if they can touch your Tentacle.

*sshhhhLLOOUUUUUP*

5. Dribblet - Big, scary, and PINK

If Tentacles aren’t quite gross enough, how about a tongue, with another tongue? The Dribblet is ideal for anyone who wants a muscle with a face for a petpet. Less adherent than a Tentacle, but even slimier, transporting this little guy is a little trickier. The most convenient method I found was to just shove it in your mouth, alongside your real tongue. “That’s disgusting!”, you might say. Yes, yes it is--but there’s nothing quite like the look on someone’s face when you open your mouth to reveal three tongues and a couple eyes. The Dribblet is pink and soft, and perfect for any Faerieland resident not quite ready to get too daring of a petpet.

Maybe get your other pet a Swabby.

4. Spyrabor - Get a grip

The list has been all about pets that won’t blend into the traditional Faerieland scape--however, the Spyrabor’s color scheme is its advantage. The pink and blue hues of this petpet allow it to hide in plain sight--and snap at everyone’s ankles. Sit down outside a nice bistro and set it loose! Cackle with delight as your Spyrabor fells passersby, one by one. They’ll literally never see it coming.

Little pinch?

3. Candy Vampire - For your sweet tooth

The Candy Vampire is another wonderfully deceptive petpet. Everyone will think you’ve got an adorable piece of candy corn in your purse, until it opens its mouth to reveal an impressive set of mini chompers. Faerielanders expect everything to be sweet and innocent. and this expectation makes it even easier to scare fellow citizens. I mean, if you think about it, it’s their fault for reaching their hand into your bag in the first place. That’s just manners, after all; don’t worry about footing the Neohospital bill.

Trick or treat, pick up your feet, I haven’t had much to eat...

2. Slorg - A classic for a reason

Slorgs are my personal favorite of all petpets, but that isn’t why they made number 2. Sure, there’s already two other slimy petpets on this list, so you may be wondering, what sets the Slorg apart? Well, I’ll tell ya: it’s the goofy, unassuming grin. Everyone looks at a Slorg and expects the sliminess, but that grin always convinces them to let their guard down and go for it. It’s like they forget how gross one feels, and it works every. Single. Time. Few things in this world are more rewarding than the look of disgust coupled with the forced, uncomfortable smile you’ll get from everyone who realized their mistake too late.

The doctor warned me about my sodium.

1. Snotbunny - Tissues not included

Finally, in the coveted number 1 slot, is the Snotbunny. I had the most fun taking this petpet around with me, and I learned that there’s not many things Faerielanders consider grosser than snot. Even the cuteness of the Snowbunny-like appearance wasn’t enough to convince most to approach my gooey, dripping petpet. The few that did left with a delightfully nasty sheen on their palms, which earned me some glares that I was all too happy to receive. If you want the most appalling petpet to proudly show off around Faerieland, the Snotbunny is the best way to go.

*Warning: Snotbunnies should not be given to your most squeamish pet.

Would you believe all these free napkins I got?

I hope you enjoyed this list of the absolute best worst petpets to have in Faerieland. Having a creepy, icky, ridiculous petpet isn’t for everyone, but it will turn everyone’s stomach. Good luck out there finding the perfect match for your pet!

 
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