Sanity is forbidden Circulation: 193,743,981 Issue: 711 | 18th day of Celebrating, Y17
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A Guide to Merriment for Neopia's Grinches

by xxsicklullabiesxx


Bah-Smug bug! Who needs the holiday season? Not I and certainly not any of the wicked Darigan minions roaming Neopia. For most of you, the holiday season is a time for warm borovan and roasted chestnuts by the fire. It is a time to celebrate our pets, Neofriends, and everything worth being joyful for, but what about those who do not care much for the joys of life? How does one cope with the holidays when they do not care about- well, anything, really? I am here to (begrudgingly) help you pretend to care about the holiday season.

Step one: Look the part.

Looks can certainly be deceiving. The fastest way to look like you give even the tiniest bit of thought into the holidays is to change your wardrobe for the month. Yes, I know, changing out of the black and daunting clothing can feel out of whack, but it is the least you can do to fit in this holiday season (even if you are furious on the inside.)

For those of you who cannot afford Neocash, you could buy some simple accessories from the shops using your hard earned Neopoints.

Slapping a Holiday Mystery Island Shirt on yourself and a Holiday Shopping List in your hand could easily make you look like a lost tourist trying to find last minute presents for The Day of Giving, or like a festive Mystery Islander if you have the right state of mind (which you probably do not have, considering you are reading this article).

On the other hand, a Holiday Tree Necklace and Holiday Tutu could be just the right amount of festive flair to hide your dismal attitude from the public. I know I have hidden my grouchy demeanor behind a gaudy silver chain once or twice *cough* or 18 times *cough* in my lifetime.

Of course, you could always paint yourself Christmas colored, but if you happen to be a beautiful Darigan pet or a stunning year-round Halloween celebrator, you wouldn’t want to throw away your million dollar paint job for a cheaper color like Christmas. Think twice about making this near permanent commitment!

For those of you who do have the luxury of having Neocash, you can afford to splurge on twinkly things (and more than likely don’t even need this guide to be a chipper little Chia during the holidays).

I suggest the always festive Cheery Holiday Bow Wings and Blinking Holiday Nose Light to display your seasonal joy, or, if you’d like to go all out with it, throw on your Holiday Breeches and Holiday Bumbluz Light Wings to really impress your out-of- town relatives and disguise the fact that you are internally screaming.

The best thing about having a holiday wardrobe handy is that you can save it and reuse it for more years to come, unless you’re like me and cannot resist a few white chocolate lennies here and there.

Step Two: Change your rude attitude.

Just like every other guide-writer, I know what you are thinking: “Oh mysterious article author, how do you expect me to change my attitude when I have worked my whole life to get it this dreary?” Well, it is quite simple, really: just throw in some common phrases to spice up your lingo. Instead of saying “hey” or “what’s up”, start every conversation with “happy holidays, fellow Neopian!” Sure, your friends and family will find it odd, but are we not all a little bit bonkers when you think about it? Another simple phrase to toss into your daily vernacular is “have you visited the advent calendar today?” Not only does it start a conversation that you can easily tune out, but it also has the chance to make whomever you are talking to leave in a hurry to go claim their gifts, thus giving you some moments of peace and quiet without the mind-numbing holiday blabber.

My personal favorite thing to ask is “what gifts have you bought for your friends this year?” because after whoever I am talking to is finished answering and proceed to ask me the same question back, I can easily make up something off the top of my head to make it seem like I have put in the effort for the season. It is as simple as “oh yeah, I got my precious Aisha a hand-woven sweater from the blind faeries of Terror Mountain”. Who knew that pretending that the seasonal splendor matters could be so easy?

Step Three: Pack up your things – You are moving to Kreludor!

Like my mother always said when I was not sure whether or not to buy a potion from Kauvara: when in doubt, move thousands of miles away. Why put up with the horrid holidays and silly seasonal spectacles when you could just leave the planet? I am positive that the orange grundo population could put up with a few more residents of the small, Neopian moon. Not only does it not have the stress and obnoxiousness of the holidays, but Kreludor also has everything anyone could ever want! There is a book store, and the neocola machine. There is even the Kreludan Homes store where you can get everything you need in order to build your new home on the space rock. You’ll never have to deal with the Neopians ever again!

So there you have it, my friends. There is no need to fret this year over the holiday mumbo jumbo. There is no need to go out and buy a million and three presents for your friends or lack thereof. All you will ever have to do is follow these three simple steps to dealing with the holiday season. First, get the look. Then, spice up your vocabulary, and if all else fails: move far, far away. Who said being a Grinch is a bad thing, after all? Just remember the ancient proverb: every holiday party has a pooper and that is why we invited you.

Have a rotten *cough* I mean…have a splendid holiday season, and even more splendid Day of Gifting everyone!

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