Doctor's Orders

     "This isn't going to hurt, is it?"

     "It'll only hurt if you think it will hurt."

     "What does that me--OWW!" the young Kacheek shouted in pain as I stuck the needle into his arm. I quickly finished injecting the medicine and moved to apply a special bandage that wouldn't rip off any fur when it was removed.

     "There. You should stop feeling itchy in a few minutes. The red spots from the Neezles should clear up in a few hours," I said to the still-sobbing Kacheek and an older Blumaroo who I assume to be his brother. "Please be sure to avoid doing whatever caused him to come down with this," I said to the pair as they were leaving.

     "I don't like it in here, and that doctor is kind of scary," the young Kacheek whimpered to his brother as they were leaving.

     "He might be scary and a bit gruff, but he is still a very good and efficient doctor," the Blumaroo muttered back.

     Scary, but efficient. I've heard those before. My name is Zed Guy. I'm an Aisha doctor at the Neopia Central Hospital. My working title is Dr. Guy, PhD and on-call Medic. Gruff, blunt, and unfeeling. Just a few of the words some patients describe me with. The semantics change from patient to patient, but there is always one word that doesn't change; efficient. Since graduating from Brightvale University after a grueling program, I've been known as one of the coldest yet brightest doctors in Neopia. I might look unfeeling towards my patients, but I always get the job done. My motto is "It's a doctor's job to make you healthy, not comfortable."

     The last patient was that young Kacheek with Neezles. Kid got into some kind of fight against someone who heavily outclassed him in the Battledome. Apparently his opponent used something that caused him to get sick. At least that's what his brother told me. Not one who gets too hung up on details. I'll do what I can to fix up any patients who come my way. A nurse called over to me to take care of the next patient. A disco-colored Kougra sat on the table while a worried Faerie Kougra stood beside him.

     "What seems to be the problem?" I asked the the pair of young Kougras.

     "He has Blurred Vision. We really need you to make him well again," the faerie Kougra replied, a tinge of panic in her voice.

     "Blurred Vision..." I wrote down the problem on an incident form. "And how did this happen?"

     "Apple Bobbing tank," the disco Kougra replied quickly.

     "Of course. I can't help you with this," I stated matter-of-factly.

     "WHAT!? Are you kidding me?" the pair shouted simultaneously.

     "This isn't my field. I'll go get the optometrist who actually specializes in this disease," I answered back.

     I am a doctor, but there are some things I am not licensed in. Optometry and dentistry are outside of my field of study. Eyes and teeth are not things I can take care of.

     "Good. Don't scare us like that." The faerie Kougra sighed. She seemed exhausted.

     "Hey, Doc. How much is this cure gonna cost us?" the patient asked.

     "A lot." I had to tell him straight.

     The cure for Blurry Vision is Extra Thick Goggles. Each treatment is expensive. The reason the goggles are very rarely in the Pharmacy is that each pair has to be custom-made. Every species has a specific degree of sight, some with better vision than others. Each species alone would require a different prescription strength for the goggles, but it gets even worse. Not everyone who gets Blurry Vision has is to the same degree. The goggles have to be made specifically to correct a single case of it. The odds of two Neopets having the same exact degree of Blurry Vision and being the same species are very, very slim, so each pair can only be used by the one it was made for.

     "How long have you had this disease?" I needed to know for the report.

     "About ten days," the faerie Kougra said.

     "Let me guess, you've been going to the Healing Springs to try to get that Faerie to heal you, right?'

     "Yeah. There something wrong with that?" the Kougra patient said with a snarky tone.

     "After ten days, and you still have Blurry Vision. That's the problem. Come to the hospital straight away next time. You'll actually be able to see sooner."

     The Healing Springs. Day after day, 'Pets go there in the hopes that the Faerie who presides over them can heal whatever disease they've got. She was actually the reason I got into medicine. I was just amazed by her and how utterly incompetent she is! Go there to get healed for a disease? Get a boost in endurance. Go there for a boost of endurance? Get a dang Snowball. Sometimes, I wonder if she is even conscious while doing this stuff. She's been there for too many years to count, has cured plenty of 'Pets before, but she still can't be consistent! Quick story: My brother came down with Neomonia a long time ago, before I became a doctor. We went to to the healing springs, and the Faerie there healed him up right away. Poof! No more Neomonia. However, the one after us was the exact same species and color as my brother and also had Neomonia. What does the Faerie do? Uses a different spell and gives them a small endurance-boosting potion. Just after healing the same species and disease with one spell, she doesn't heal the exact same thing. I can't believe we were so foolish as to even try her first. The guy behind us, the one who still had Neomonia, I asked his name and quickly bought and sent over some Medicinal Soap. It was the right thing to do, but I can't forgive the Faerie. Messing up something she just did perfectly and has had ample time to perfect is just humiliating.

     I left the room and hurried off to give the incident report to one of the optometrists in the lab of the hospital. The lab is where they make the medicine, our own pharmacy in the building. Many Neopets don't come to the hospital. If they know what disease they have and the cure for it, they'll go buy the medicine themselves from either the local pharmacy or from another user. The hospital is really only here for the most extreme cases, ones that don't know the disease or the cure, or the case of the disease is very severe.

     The intercom rang out, saying I was needed for another patient. Just wondering who it would be this time. I was greeted this time by two female Tonus, one purple and the other blue. The blue one seemed to be in severe pain. It only got worse when the only word she could say was "Ugga." It was immediately apparent what she had, and there was a very high probability of what caused it.

     "Ugga ugg. Ug, Ugga," the patient struggled to get out.

     "Don't strain yourself," I said to her as I put some rubber gloves on and got out a tongue depressor. "Open your mouth wide." As she did, I examined her throat and saw a few abnormalities, but it was exactly as I had expected.

      "This appears to be a classic case of Ugga Ugga. I've got a few questions, so just nod your head yes or no," I said to the young Tonu.

     "Been to Tyrannia lately?" I asked followed by a quick nod. "I see. How long have you had this?"

     "She got it this morning," the purple Tonu finally chimed in.

     "Let me guess: You ate a piece of what you thought was a Cheese omelette, but it turned out to be rotten. Correct?" The blue Tonu nodded and looked down in what appeared to be embarrassment.

     "Figures. I'll be back in five minutes with Sporkle Syrup. Wait here," I told the pair as I left the room.

     Ugga Ugga is a surprisingly common disease we need to treat at the hospital. We actually have a stock of Sporkle Syrup readily available at all times, just waiting to be heated. It's probably such a common illness because so many Neopians eat from the Giant Omelette in Tyrannia. The omelettes may not all say they're rotten, but who knows how long that thing has been in the sun.

     I took the now heated syrup back to the patient. She seemed thrilled to see me arrive, which is a very rare sight among my patients. She downed the stuff very quickly and started looking like she was in less and less pain each moment.

     "*cough* Thank *cough* *cough* you, Doctor, *cough*" she barely managed to choke out.

     "Don't strain yourself. And don't thank me. Just doing my job," I replied quickly. I'm here to make patients get well. I don't need praise.

     "I'm getting *cough* better now. Um, Doctor Guy? I have just *cough* *cough* a quick question for you *cough*, if you don't mind," she asked me.

     "What is it?"

     "I'm sure you've heard of Warm Amber Ointment *cough* and Cooling Ointment. Would you recommend those to anyone who was sick like me?" She finally stopped coughing.

     "Do you even know what's in those things?" I asked back.

     "Um, no."

     "Well neither do I. As a professional doctor, I would never recommend a patient something that I didn't know the contents of myself," I quickly finished.

     Warm Amber and Cooling Ointments, now those are a medical enigma. Yes, they can heal most diseases, but how? What is in them, and worse, what potential side effects could those things cause? I have spent many long hours researching those two potions, but still find all tests coming back inconclusive. The shopkeeper at Brightvale Potions refuses to tell the ingredients to anyone, no matter how much they beg. I've asked multiple times, stating how they needed to be made known so any potential side effects could be taken into account before doctors could even consider prescribing that to patients and all I've gotten was a 'It's a trade secret' reply.

     "OK, Doctor. I understand," the young Tonu said agreeably.

     "Open up again," I told her. It's standard procedure to check patients thoroughly before they can be discharged from the hospital. A quick but thorough look at her throat showed that the abnormalities caused by Ugga Ugga were gone.

     "It looks like the disease is gone. Go check out with the receptionist at front," I said to the pair. They quickly thanked me and left the room and hospital, hopefully they would throw out those omelettes when they got home.

     It had gotten much later than I had thought during that patient's visit than I thought. I didn't notice until the night shift doctor told me my shift was over.

     "Doctor Guy, I'm here to relieve you," the young Nimmo in a white coat said with a smile on his face. "Have a good evening and I'll see you tomorrow!" he said with an almost unnatural cheerfulness.

     "Yeah, you too," I said quickly as I left the hospital's entrance.

     Cold, blunt, and unfeeling, but very efficient. That's what I am. "It's a doctor's job to make you healthy, not comfortable" is how I look at my work. I took one last look at the hospital, and wonder why anyone would want to be there. It's a cold, grim place no one ever wants to be in. If I knew I wasn't doing any good, I wouldn't want to be there either. But then I thought back to my last patient of the day, that young blue Tonu. Her sincere smile as she thanked me for just doing my job. I turned from the hospital and headed for home, a slight smile forming on my stone-cold face.

The End