An Interview with the Toy Box Escape Uni
I recently ran into a Uni at Uni's Clothing Store that looked strangely familiar. I remember seeing the news all over Neovision—"Neopets trapped in evil toy box!" and dramatic headlines in the Neopian Times: "No Hope of Recovering Toy Box Trapees." Yes, many years ago, Dr. Frank Sloth trapped a handful of Myncies, Shoyrus, Kougras, Scorchios, Kacheeks, and a Uni in an evil toy box of doom. Only recently did these poor neopets finally escape. Today, I met up with that Uni and got the inside scoop about what really went on in that toy box.
Me: First of all, what is your name? Despite the media frenzy over your disappearance, no one could ever identify you by name.
Uni: Listen. I'm a failed robot experiment, so I don't have a real name, duh. Thanks for reminding me. Sloth did dub me "U.N.1" though. It stands for Uni Nefarious 1, as in I was the first nefarious Uni neopet he tried to create. Get it? Next.
Me: Oh, sorry. I guess we'll just call you UN1. Why don't you tell us more about this experiment? What is Dr. Frank Sloth really like, anyway?
UN1: Well, Frank was... still blossoming back then. He was pretty good at telling corny jokes but that was pretty much it. He didn't have the means to take over Neopia at the time. But he still had the ambition to do so, which led him to attempt to create an army of robotic neopets.
Me: But what went wrong? Why didn't the plan work?
UN1: Like I said, Frank used to be... rather slow. He didn't account for the fact that we would need to be evil. So we turned out to be functioning robots, but not what Sloth wanted. We were too nice, didn't have any weapons, and possessed no malice or anger in our hearts. Dr. Sloth wanted us to be evil but obviously we weren't of that caliber.
Me: Why did he have to put you into an evil toy box? Couldn't he have tried to fix you?
UN1: I really wish he would have. But instead, he said he "had a headache" and "needed a hot bubble bath." I took that to mean he had no clue how to fix us. But if word got out that Sloth had failed in manufacturing an army of evil robots, his reputation as a villain would have been severely undermined. He decided we needed to be hidden from Neopian society so no one would ever know about us.
Me: So... you're saying Dr. Sloth couldn't build a few evil robot neopets but he was able to intricately construct a gigantic evil toy box? Wow.
UN1: Yeah, I don't know how that happened. He's a pretty... interesting guy. Like I said, the guy tells some really good corny jokes.
Me: Well, his plan backfired and everyone soon found out about his toy box. How did that happen?
UN1: He was forcing this mutant Grundo, Gralix, to do his errands at the time. I think Sloth called it an "unpaid internspaceship," whatever that means. Anyways, Gralix came back with Sloth's large non-fat no-foam latte at the exact moment Sloth was doing away with us and gearing to throw us into the box. Of course Gralix was shocked and spilled everything to the media. As a matter of fact, he spilled Sloth's drink too because he was so startled. Frank was not amused.
Me: Moving on, what was the inside of that toy box like?
Uni: It was constructed with large toy building blocks, but to make it worse, Dr. Sloth added in treacherous spikes, lava, and other horrors. I thought I'd be trapped in there with those idiots forever.
Me: Idiots? You mean the other neopets that were trapped in there weren't smart or helpful in coming up with a plan to escape?
UN1: Listen. While everyone thinks that each of us had a "special ability," I was the only one that did. The Myncies climbed; how is that extraordinary? Kougras, by their nature, can dig. Big deal. The Shoyrus jumped, which was the most disappointing ability to contribute. It's like they forgot they had wings and could FLY?! Scorchios can breathe fire, the Kacheeks just pushed, and so on. Nothing special at all.
Me: So what made your ability so special?
UN1: Uhh, hello? I turned into a RAMP. I don't know how much more unique it gets. Without me, they wouldn't have been able to climb up and get those fun, shiny coins Dr. Sloth left in there for us. To reiterate, I turned into a RAMP. How many other neopets do you know who can do that?!
Me: Point taken. But how does one exactly convert into a ramp?
UN1: I'm a robot. I make beeping sounds. I have flashy lights. I do cool things. You know the drill.
Me: Right, right. Anyways, how did you guys end up escaping from that evil toy box?
UN1: I had an artistic vision. I said, listen up, guys. Some of you think you're all that, what with your fire breathing and "deadly" digging skills. But I, a Uni, am fabulous, fierce, fashionable, and a leader by nature. Only I possess the necessary skills to get us out of this mess. Essentially, I told them that even though they are indeed moronic, we had the ability to work together and get out of that toy box. I was their amazing inspiration. Me: a beacon of beautiful light shining on their ugly, ungroomed faces.
Me: Oh, wow, that's a bit harsh, but okay. But what exactly did *you* do to help escape?
UN1: Once again, without my direction, those imbeciles would probably still be in that toy box. What we ended up finding was a loose toy block that Sloth was too lazy to secure in place. So the Shoyrus jumped on it, the Scorchios breathed fire on it, the Kacheeks pushed on it, the Kougras tried to dig through it, and the Myncies sat on it with their body weight. Eventually the block caved through and we jumped out of that miserable place. All thanks to me.
Me: I must be missing something. How exactly did you contribute to the escape? Do you mean to say you "ramped" on that loose block?
UN1: Oh, goodness no, silly! The ramp only comes out when I'm tired of dealing with idiots. But since I had to sacrifice my peace of mind to manage them all, I couldn't ramp at the time. Instead, I was the glue that held everything together. The creative director, if you will. I had a vision we would work together and escape, and we did. Those neopets owe their escape to me and my genius. I supervised them as they worked to loosen the block, and I totally called it ahead of time!
Me: Wow. You Unis really are vain. We better wrap this interview up. However, I would like to know what you did with all the coins you collected before we part ways.
UN1: We're robots. Metal coins are tasty treats for us. Those coins were gilded and had Sloth's face on them. Those coins were my dinner for years. Kudos to Sloth for being kind enough to include those in that toy box, although that seems like an odd thing to include. But then again, Frank's an odd guy. Speaking of those coins, those nit-wit Shoyrus would always jump and miss to try to get them. How they didn't realize they could just fly was beyond me.
Me: Okay, but you're a Uni, and you have wings. Since you're so self-aware, why couldn't you just fly and get the coins instead of making the Shoyrus do it?
UN1: Please. These gorgeous wings are for show and for show only.
Me: Oh... okay. Thank you for joining me today, UN1. I'm sure Neopia will be absolutely thrilled to find out the details of both your tragic experience and your unwavering vanity as a Uni.
UN1: Ugh. I don't have time for your backhanded compliments. UN1 out. *ramp*